0058. I'm tired and irritated.

I've had so much going on in the past few weeks that I haven't had time to do much else besides... well, everything that I've had to do. School has been keeping me so busy that I want to cry. Literally. I have 4 exams when I get back from Spring Break next week. I had 1 exam the week before. I have exams at clinicals any time a good patient walks through the door and my fellow classmates don't snatch up the paperwork first. And it's ALWAYS LIKE THIS. It seems like the minute we're done with a round of exams, we're starting on another. I'm stressing so bad over school that my hair is starting to fall out (more of it is coming out while I'm in the shower than what I'm used to and it's kind of freaking me out, if I'm honest). I had my first fever blister in well over a year, which I only get when I'm stressed and/or not sleeping, so that should give you some idea of how things are going on the stress level.

And speaking of stress. I know PK doesn't like me talking about him online, but this is my personal journal, and this is where I go to vent. Surprisingly, this time I'm not actually venting about him, so much as because of him (if that makes sense?) He's been working his ass off. He goes in early and doesn't get home until after 8:00 most nights. There have been several nights that he's gotten home well after Monkey has gone to bed (at 8:30) and he usually goes immediately to bed himself because he's so exhausted. He's been working himself into the freaking ground, and I've slowly been getting more and more worried about him because on the rare occasion that he is home, all he ever wants to do is sleep. Which, don't get me wrong, I totally understand why. He's working hard. He's stressed because of everything he has to do at work (which I won't discuss here, because that's his business and not mine). I've been trying to get him to relax a little more, eat healthier, maybe even try to get up and walk (if not exercise outright), because he has a pre-existing heart condition. Even with that, it still didn't cross my mind that he'd call me while I was in class 2 weeks ago to tell me he that he thought he was having a heart attack and to come get him so that I could take him to the ER. I was all for calling an ambulance, but Mr Stubborn Ass decided he'd work for another hour or so and then drive his stupid ass home so that we could leave his car at the house. For that alone, I might have to beat him senseless. I finally managed to get him to the ER, and he ended up spending the entire weekend in the hospital. I somehow managed to not be in the room every time the doctor came in (usually getting Monkey from my mom's house so she could visit with her dad - the doctor kept really strange hours), so I never really got the straight facts on what was going on. PK has a way of hiding things from me so that I don't completely freak out. He won't outright admit it to me, but it was a minor heart attack. He's now taking steps to reduce stress (he's been coming home at 6:00 and we've actually been getting along better than ever), he's playing with Monkey outside, he's helping me fix up the house... But he's still got all this other stuff stressing him out and I don't know how to help him. I want to take all the outside stress in his life and just make it go away. If I have to see my husband in the hospital again because his stress level went through the roof and his heart couldn't handle it... well, I might end up going postal, because my stress level can't handle it. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. We're talking about the possibility of having a baby once I'm done with school. I'd like the chance for a few more anniversaries and maybe a babyKitty of our own.

And now that I've completely depressed myself. Let me rile myself back up for a minute before I run off to make dinner.

I've been busting my ass for the past three days to clean my house top to bottom, organizing every room in the house (including the rooms we haven't unpacked yet because PK has to build bookshelves for my library and office, as well as get a new desk since the one we currently have it TINY, and bring the bed over from the old condo/storage unit so that we can properly set up the guest bedroom, and put up shelves in Monkey's room and hang her TV on the wall so that she has more room to play), doing all the laundry, scrubbing bathrooms and the kitchen and whatever else I could find to scrub with BLEACH (it smells clean and fresh and all that) because it's Spring Break and my mom and 3 of my aunts were coming over either tomorrow or Friday for lunch. I finally got in touch with the aunt we all consider the "matriarch" of the family, and she tells me "Stop cleaning!" (I'd texted her to tell her I was cleaning up the house and I was going to head to the store later) Then she tells me that another one of my aunts doesn't want to come this week because her grandkids (who live with her) are on Spring Break, and she wants to wait to have lunch until they're back in school.... Except the only reason I'm able to have lunch with them in the first place is because I'm on Spring Break! Apparently they've all forgotten that I'm a full time student and in school ALL THE FREAKING TIME. And when I'm not in school, I'm at study group or at clinicals. And hello? Since when do I not have a kid with a room full of toys and a TV and a backyard and a front yard with other kids their age? I mean seriously! My mom knew I was cleaning the shit out of my house. My uncle knew I was cleaning the shit out of my house. My aunt surely knew, because I go insane every time she comes over (remember the part where she's the matriarch of our family?) but I haven't been able to talk to her because every time I call her she's unavailable and she never freaking calls me back!!! I'm irritated, and to be quite honest, I'm a little bit hurt.

I have to go make dinner for the Monkey now. She's bitching at me that she's starving, despite the fact that she's eaten almost everything I have in the pantry today. She must be hitting another growth spurt.

0057. feels like every time i get back on my feet [trouble] come around & knock me down again

iTunes: Trouble - Ray La Montagne

Mood: tired, irritated, frustrated, done

Today wasn't bad. It really wasn't. I slept in a little bit, but still managed to make it to school on time. I was sleepy, but I didn't fall asleep in class. I understood what was going on (for the most part - I have a lot of studying to do this weekend). When we had a tutoring session with the director of the xray program (who is also our Principles of Radiographic Imaging II teacher), I actually understood what was going on. So, the morning wasn't bad I guess.

I had an appointment at the VA today, and driving up there is always crappy because it's a 40 minute drive (one way). I'm already really tired, and long drives tend to put me in a coma so I spend the whole drive up there and back either singing at the top of my lungs or on the phone.

The appointment I had today was for my Well Woman appointment, which is always super fun. They have a special clinic just for us chicks so that we don't have to deal with being around men while we're going to have special girl time, which I like. Unfortunately, I learned today that they're taking this option away and I'll be having my next WW appointment with my Primary Care doctor. I don't like that option so much. See, my doc is a female, but I don't always see her because she's busy. Sometimes I see a resident, and occasionally that resident is a male... and I have PTSD... that doesn't allow me to be comfortable around males (I'm honestly surprised that I'm married). Anyway. When I went into the room for my exam, one of the Primary Care docs was there to "brush up" on his Well Woman technique and I instantly froze up. My hands started shaking and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. My OB/GYN noticed and sent him out while I was changing, but the damage was done. To top it off, there's an issue with my cervix that's sending me to the Gyno specialist.

Really, the appointment wasn't that bad. I've had far worse, I assure you.

I went home after and it was early enough that Monkey was still in school so I took a little (much needed) nap. After I picked her up, she started talking, and didn't stop until I put her to bed 2 minutes ago. PK came home feeling grumpy and crappy and in an all around bad mood. I'm stressing out about money and school and everything else going on in my life. I'm ready to be done with it all and I've got SO MUCH MORE LEFT. I know 4 1/2 semesters may not seem like a lot, but when you're this burned out, it really fucking is.

I took half of a Valium earlier and I hope to God it kicks in soon because I need to not care right now. Or just be chill. Or something. I just need to chill. PK wants me to go into the bedroom and watch the fucking Godfather ("the best movie of all time!") but I don't like it so I'm procrastinating. It's not like I don't have 16,000 other things to do any way, but still. I need to spend time with my husband.

0055. gimme gimme

(Normal x-ray markers)

We were looking at x-ray markers today at the hospital because one of the techs was hired on full time and one of the other techs wanted to get her a present. So, we found some right and left markers that fit her personality (they have skull and crossbones above the R and L and her initials), but while we were searching, I found a website that had a ton of markers that I'd punch a nun for. They're seriously SO CUTE!!

So, obviously I can't use all of the markers, but I still want all the sets. Maybe I can keep a couple different ones on me and use one for adults and one for kids and just switch out every other day. But it'll have to wait until I have a regular tech job and until I have a regular paycheck coming in, because even though I have disability and the GI Bill, it's not necessarily guaranteed. This month, I was short 2 week's worth of a paycheck because I wasn't in school for that amount of time (fucking break) and they no longer pay breaks (fucking Obama) so now I'm fucked (FUCK). Anyway.

I applied to be a cashier at HEB today. I gave my availability as Wednesday afternoons, Friday afternoons, all day Saturday, and Sunday afternoons (so that I don't miss church). It's going to cut into my blogging and my study time, but I need the money. I'm going to have to let them know that I need time off for my SIL's wedding and for AAD, and if they have issues with that then I'll just have to not accept the job (if I get it to begin with that is). One of the girls that's in the program with me works there and she says that they're pretty good about working with people who are going to college. And they pay fairly decently considering minimum wage is like $7.30 an hour or some shit. I think they pay around $8 an hour or maybe even a little more than that. As long as I'm not paying to work there by using up a shit ton of gas by driving there, we're all good.

Wish me luck.

I'm gonna go hang out with PK now. It's our anniversary today and I figure it'd be nice to actually spend time with him tonight (for once, lol)

0054. confused and irritated

iTunes: none - watching Big Bang Theory

Mood: confused, irritated, sad, and yet still have a bit of happy thrown in there.

So I'll start out with the bad and go to the good.

First: PK's out of town on business. This makes me sad. Why? Well, he's my husband and I love him, for one. And sleeping without him next to me isn't easy. For whatever reason, I've become used to the chainsaw buzzing that is his snoring, and it's even soothing to me. I know, I'm weird. I am happy that he went to this conference, because it means more opportunities for him at work (which will hopefully lead to him getting a nice raise, lol) and it means more contacts in his industry. So, I know that this trip will be good for him, business-wise, but personally.... it sucks. I miss my PK.

I'm confused and irritated because of stuff that happened in school. See, there's this guy in my class from last semester, who suddenly stopped talking to me. Like, flat out refused to talk to me. I never knew what it was that I did, but there were times when he was just plain RUDE to me in his desire to avoid speaking to me. I've always been nice to him, because I'm usually pretty nice to everyone. I don't like confrontation, so in an effort to avoid it, I'm a nice as I can be to everyone. Anyway. One of my friends from clinic this semester is in lab with this guy. My friend told me that the guy was talking to another girl in our class, one who I thought I was at least on acquaintance terms with, if not friendly, but I guess I was wrong... the guy was telling the girl that I'm crazy and rude and so my friend asks why they think that. The guy says that he doesn't like me because I'm "bipolar and psycho" and he asks the other girl (who is in my classes with me - the guy and my friend are in the other group of students, so we don't have classes together... it's a little confusing, I know) if I'm "as bad as [I] was last semester", and she actually said I was worse! I'm so confused, because I don't really talk much in class, if ever. I have a paralyzing fear that whatever I say will be wrong. When my friend stepped in to defend me, telling them that I'm nice, they told her that she must be a psycho too.

What the fuck?? How dare they pick on me about the fact that I'm bipolar. No, I don't try to hide it. I'm proud of the fact that I've got my issues under control. I'm medicated and staying that way. I'm going to therapy. At least I'm trying to work through my shit. Most people ignore it until it's a big fucking problem and it destroys them or someone else. So why am I psycho for it? I think I'm actually the opposite of psycho, thank you very little. And how the fuck am I rude??? I'm all peaches and cream, smiling and shit at school. At home might be a little different (I once told my BFF that I used up all my nice during the day at school, and at one point I thought I might've been serious about it)

I shouldn't worry so much about it. It's just drama I don't need and I really did have a good day today. I shot a lot of x-rays today and had some really awesome patients. I did see my first trauma though, which was... well, it was kind of traumatic, actually. I can't talk about the specifics of my patients' cases, but the trauma I saw today was an attempted suicide. Look like the patient will be ok, but it was so heart-breaking to see.

I also shot my first pediatric x-rays today... three different pediatric patients, actually! My first one was a little girl who needed a chest and 2 abdomen x-rays. She was younger than Monkey and so quiet. She just stood there, stock-still, and staring up at us. I gave her stickers because she was such a great patient. My next two pediatric patients were just as awesome. And they weren't my only good patients - I had several older patients (ok, everyone's older than the pediatric patients, lol) who were just fantastic.

So really, other than finding out about the two assholes in my class, I had a really good day. And I'm not going to let them bring me down. This is going to be a good semester, dammit! :)

0052.

I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it. I have all this anger and frustration and fear and I feel like I'm going to fucking explode but I can't tell anyone about it because everyone has their own shit going on and I can't burden them with it because then they'll topple over and I can't do that to them.

So what do I do?

My psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be Wednesday, but my doctor called me that morning and told me that she had a doctor's appointment and wouldn't make it back to her office by 3:30. She did reschedule my appointment for 12:30 on Friday (tomorrow... technically... sort of), so that's a good thing, because if she would've told me that she didn't have an opening for another two months, I might've found a bridge to jump off of.

I had another dream about school the other night, and I'd say it's starting to freak me out, but obviously I've been freaked out. I'm sick of being freaked out. But last semester was so fucking hard and I don't know that I can deal with another semester like that... not when I don't have the kind of support that I need at home.

God, this sucks.

0048.

I know I sound like I'm whining when I say this, but it hurts my feelings when my study group leaves me out of the loop. Maybe I leave myself out because I don't drink and they tend to go out all the time but I can still go out with them and have a good time without drinking. In fact, I have MORE fun because I don't drink because I don't fall down and hurt myself AND I get to remember everything that happened! But because I don't drink or act like a 19 year old (despite being a 31 year old mother of 2), I'm blatantly left out of everything. I shouldn't let it bother me. Most of the time it annoys M's when they're a ting like children, but they are still fun to be around... I know, I
Whining and contradicting myself. I hate it when people don't like me. I'm not a horrible, evil person. I might come across as abrasi e sometimes, but I'm really not. I'm what people call "short" with people because I don't have time to deal with things like stupidity and childishness (to name a few things). Even though I'm a Southerner, I've been told I have a Yankee mentality and that turns people off. Funny thing is, when you're my friend, I'll love you forever, have a ton of patience (within limits), and bend myself in a pretzel to help you out. Earn my trust, love, and loyalty, and you're set for life.

I was really hoping I would bond with the people in my class and form these amazing friendships for life sort of like I have with MamaChelle and Nerf... But I guess nothing will ever compare to them because any friendship I've formed since them has paled in comparison. PALED. And these girls.... Sigh.... It's like I'm hanging out with the girls from high school all over again. We just happen to be chronologically older and have children.

0047. Really? Again?

I was in lab today, positioning a "patient" for an xray and I was slightly off. I was only off by a few degrees on the angle, and the instructor was really heavy with her praise, but I took it hard anyway. In fact, I burst into tears.

It's stupid, I know. I had no reason to cry. I'm not doing horribly in positioning class. I'm too hard on myself and I'm stressing out so bad over all of this (school, money, the house, Tessa, Monkey's behavior problems, my sleep problems...) that it really was only a matter of time before I cracked. I tend to bottle things up for so long that I end up exploding after a while. Today just happened to be that day.

Monkey got in trouble again today. And yesterday. Yesterday, she "pushed a friend/name calling" and "poked a student with a sharp pencil". Today, she was "playing on the mat during math time". I'm not sure what to do anymore. She hasn't gotten in trouble for pushing, name calling, or poking with sharp pencils before, but she's gotten in trouble for playing during learning time more than once. She's been grounded, had her dress-up clothes taken away, had her butt popped... What else do I do to make her listen? I can't have her being bad every day.

I pulled out the same speech my mom gave me. "You're not there to make friends. You'll use what you learn in school every day of your life. You have to pay attention in school. You don't play during school except during recess." (I of course immediately called my mom after this and apologized for rolling my eyes at her all through school when she said this to me) Monkey told me she understood, but she always says she understands, then goes right back to school and gets in trouble.

Thing is... She was on "green" today. They're on a stop light system: red light-office, yellow light-warning, green light-good. But she had a substitute teacher today, and she said the teacher just forgot to change her color clip. M actually ratted herself out by telling me that. When I picked her up from daycare, she told me she was on green, I wasn't going to check her binder. I rarely do when she's on "green" since there's usually nothing in there for me to check. But then she went on to tell me that the teacher forgot to change her clip. Oops. Now she's cooped up in her room, not allowed to watch TV (from yesterday), not allowed to play with her Barbies (from today), and waiting for her spanking.

I can't wait for the 27th. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm thinking that I need to up my dosage again, because this shit ain't fucking working.

0046. It's just one of them days (don't take it personal)

It's just one of them days when I wanna be alone. It's just one of them days when I gotta be all alone. (Don't take it personal)


Today sucked. Last week sucked. The week before sucked. The week before that sucked. It seems like it's been one long month of nothing but suck lately and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. it's not that I have a defeatist attitude. Things have just been beyond my control lately to the point that I feel like I'm drowning in shit right now. I'm tired and I feel so run down that I don't know if I can pull myself out of this hole...

And this isn't a good thing, considering how I'm only 3 weeks into my semester and it's only going to get worse - not to mention the fact that my other jobs (mommy/wife/and everything that comes along with those positions) never end. Ever. And what a massive amount of stress that adds!

There wasn't any one thing that was so awful that made me want to tear my hair out today, but I guess it was just everything accumulating over time and people being shitty to me (in subtle ways) and my being overly sensitive because I'm both Bipolar and a stupid Girl that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. A lot. But that would give me a headache and then I'd get pissed off because of the headache, which would make me cry more... It's a cycle and it sucks.

0044. today I don't feel like doing anything.

iTunes: The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars

Mood: Tired

0043. how does it feel to be wrong fucking stupid for so long

So, I'm sure he meant this as a breakup song based on some of the lyrics, but as for the rest of the song? Totally fits today.

It was my last at work and the last day of the short summer semester, and it couldn't fucking come soon enough for my taste. I've been super stressed out lately (um, duh) and most of it has come from... you guessed it - work and school. Mostly school because this Algebra class has seriously KICKED MY ASS for some reason. Probably because I suck at math anyway and the teacher is a moron, but I digress. I'll retake the class, pass it, and pull my GPA back up where it's supposed to be.

Once I let go of the all the stress I was putting on myself with trying to pass the class, I was doing fine. I hated my job, but I was working in the back with BossLady and my new friend M and we got along great... until the night of the Jewelry Party. BossLady's 16 year old daughter let my 5 year old watch a zombie movie in the kid's room and of course I was NOT OK with that. I said something to the 16 year old, and BossLady was not okay with that (I'm condensing the story in case I've already told it).

Ever since then, BossLady will only speak to me if it's work-related, she gives me the cold shoulder, and I found out today that she gave the other work studies time off (WITH PAY) so that I would have to work out in the front so that I wouldn't have to be in the office alone with her while M was in class. I'm sorry, but how freaking childish is that??? I know I've mentioned before that BossLady likes to gossip and stuff, but I figured that was just her trying to stay on our level since she's so much older than us. Nope. She really is that immature. She asked M "How could you be friends with her" referring to me when M was texting me before I came into work the other day.

When I woke up this morning, I dreaded going to work. Seriously. My stomach hurt so bad that I could barely eat anything, and I have to eat or I can't take my meds. I ended up not taking them because I couldn't get anything down - I was too afraid I'd end up throwing it all back up. And even though I'm hugely relieved not to have to go back unless I have student-related stuff... but I'm also worried because she's the ONLY person there who certifies my attendance for the VA. If I don't get certified, I don't get paid. And with her attitude of late, I have to wonder if she will mess with my paperwork for next fall. She knows that I depend on my GI Bill money to survive financially. I'd hope that she wouldn't take food out of my child's mouth, but at this point I wouldn't put anything past her.

I'm going to have to put this blog on private for a while, I think. Or maybe just this post.

I'm so tired and so frustrated. I want to go to PK and cry, but if I told him about all this mess, he'd either tell me to suck it up (since he has to deal with multiple assholes like BL at his job on a daily basis) or he'd go punch the bitch in the face for making me cry and possibly threatening his family's financial stability. Probably option #2, since you don't fuck with his baby girl. Since I don't want him to go punch her in the face and ensure that she never certifies me again, I want to go lay my head in my mommy's lap and cry. Except oh wait, I can't do that either. She's on vacation in Florida and I have to go take care of her animals and water her plants (already did that today - I'm a good daughter). GODDAMNIT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A HERMIT???

0042. tearing my hair out

iTunes: "Get the Party Started" - Pink (BossLady's music)
Mood: stupid

Algebra test next Monday and I'm not prepared. I got a 28 on my last test. Yes, you read that right. A 28. I've never made a 28 before. Ever. In fact, the lowest grade I've made before now is a 68.

Math has never been my strongest suit, but I can't help but feeling like I'm stupid. I know that I'm not, but I still can't help feeling like I am. I'm studying with my dad as often as I can, staying up entirely too late and paying the price for it by falling asleep during the day and becoming an emotional crying/screaming mess when I'm supposed to be at work or in class.

It's not pretty. I've found myself apologizing more often than not to my co-workers when I start babbling or sobbing over something completely trivial. BossLady asked me this morning how my day was going so far and I burst into tears.

"Apparently not well."

Nope, not at all. My next test is Monday, it's only Tuesday, but I'm already convinced that I'm not going to do well. And even though I know having this defeatist attitude will do me no good, I can't help but have it. I don't understand anything about the f(x), the g(x) or what the fuck one has to do with the other. I'm praying that my stepdad has both the time and the patience to teach me both because at this point, I'm going to fail hard if I don't figure something out, and I don't want to retake this class. I've never had to retake a class and I'm not about to start now!

I've got 2 weeks of class left and 3 tests (including the final) remaining. I will get this done.

0041. no really, we have an answer.

Dear MAMAKITTY,

You have been selected as an alternate to the Medical Radiography Program
at San Jacinto College Central Campus. You are one of several alternate
candidates for enrollment in the fall semester of 2011.

If one of the primary candidates fails to attend orientation or does
not accept their selection, an alternate candidate will be chosen. You will be
contacted and given first right of refusal for admittance if selected.

If you will not enroll if accepted for the fall semester, please advise
us so that we can provide an opportunity to another qualified candidate.

What does this mean for me? Well for one, it means I'm living on my disability income, which is fairly small. PK makes good money, but not good enough to support both of us. This means unless I get that alternate spot (which isn't likely from what I've heard), I have to get a good paying job. I'm going to apply to about a million spots on hiremymom.com tomorrow AND I'm going to start applying to IRL jobs as soon as we get back from Italy.

I'm also going to start another account and I'm going to put money away, but I'm probably not going to be able to save a whole helluva lot of money in a month and a half. I might just have to dip into the Italy fund. I think my living fund would be more important, don't you?

Sigh. This sucks.

0040. the results are in. maybe.

iTunes: None
Mood: Crushed

Got an email from the Medical Imaging program director. It says:

Letters are being sent as we speak.
FYI. The minimum acceptance numbers are
as follows:
GPA 3.55
SAT 1130
ACT 25

My GPA is 3.53, which is what I applied with. I've never taken the SATs. If I had applied with my ACT score, it's 24. Any way you look at it, I'm fucked.

When I ran into one of the counselors in the hallway, he noticed that I was crying and I told him what the email said. He said that the information he saw said they were accepting 3.5 flat, and he'd check to see if they'd sent out the roster yet. He'll drop by later and let me know. I leave in 30 minutes, so if he doesn't I'll have to stop by his office. I'm not holding out much hope.

What a shitty day. Shitty, shitty day.

0038. don't you forget

iTunes: "It's my life" - No Doubt
mood: almost defeated

I have a test on Thursday in Algebra and I have almost no idea what we're doing. Today, I had my first breakthrough. I'm hoping that when I go to tutoring later I'll be able to remember what the fuck we did. I'm hoping even more than when I sit down with my dad I'll be able to remember what the fuck's going on.

I'm so tired that I can barely remember my name at this point. I'm not sleeping well, and even coffee can barely keep me awake. Even when I go to sleep at a decent hour, I don't sleep through the night. I'm going to take my doc's advice and pick up either some Tylenol PM or some Benadryl, which is apparently the same thing, but Tylenol PM has Tylenol in it (which I need for the constant pain I'm in).

I've also been rethinking my career goals. I don't want to be a nurse, and haven't wanted to be one for a while. I love blogging, but don't always have anything interesting to say, which is a big reason why I don't blog here consistently. I don't think y'all want to hear me whining about how much pain I'm always in, how much I hate my job, or always talking about the funny thing Monkey did or said all the time (ok that last one is probably ok - I have a really cute kid). But when I don't get a lot of comments (especially over on MKR, and especially when I'm actively going to other blogs and commenting on theirs, I tend to get a little butthurt and I want to give up).

So, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? The truth is, I don't really know. When I was an administrative assistant, I was really freaking good at it. Sure, there were times I'd get bored and read at work or twitter (when they allowed it - sometimes they blocked the site, the bastards), but sor the most part, I was fucking GREAT at my job.

So the question is... do I go back to that world if the medical jobs and the work-at-home jobs don't pan out? More than likely. I can't live off of disability, as much as I'd like to. I'd love to stay at home, take care of the house work and be a stay at home mom. I'd make Donna Reed look like a trashy trailer house mom (I say that being someone who grew up in a trailer -- granted, my mom always kept a beautiful home and we would bleach everything, literally, once a week, but I digress).

I feel so lost and I hate this! I just want to know what to do with my life. And I want to stop being so fucking tired and in pain all the time.

0036. you're amazing just the way you are

Monkey and I spent the weekend with my Aunt G and Uncle M. Twin and I grew up spending weekends with them, so being at their house brought back a lot of memories (even though it's not the house they lived in while Twin and I were growing up... they just had a new place built, and it's absolutely gorgeous). We swam in the pool, hung out by the water, ate dinner together, and watched tv until we passed out. What's unusual is that I was the one who woke up early. Normally, I sleep until Aunt G literally drags me out of bed. But for some reason, I was up at 5:30. Probably because I've been waking up for school. That, and I wasn't sleeping next to my husband, who had band practice and had to stay home for the weekend.

Yes, I'm one of Those Women. I'm so accustomed to sleeping next to her man that I find it difficult to sleep without him. Also, sleeping next to my daughter, who routinely tosses, turns, and kicks me in the back is kind of difficult. LOL.

Anyway. While Aunt G and I were watching Sunday Morning, there was a section on Blogging and we got to talking about MKR. I mentioned how I wished that I could devote more time to it. I love reading, I love blogging, and I know that I can make money blogging, but I don't have the time to do it right now because I have to be able to make money in the mean time until the blog takes off.

She mentioned that she has a friend in her neighborhood who runs a website where moms can work from home. I've heard of schemes like that before so I kind of went "yeah right" and humored her... until she actually showed me the site. She's been featured on the local news here, but she's also been featured in nationally syndicated magazines. I haven't called or written to the lady yet (it's still Sunday as I'm writing this) but I plan to do so after I get off work tomorrow. Why? Because I desperately want to quit my job.

It's not that I'm not grateful to BossLady for helping me out when I was in a bind. I am. But I can't deal with whiny ass brats or idiots all the time right now. I think working from home might be just what I need until I can get through school and get my meds straight (just had them adjusted again).

0035. and it begins again

Summer classes began on Monday. I'm only taking two this time around, so you'd figure less stress. Well, you're partially right. I'm taking Intro to Computers, which is gonna be an incredibly easy class because it's... An introduction to computers. You literally learn all the parts of the computer, what they do, about the Internet, etc. It actually asked ms what a blog is. I shit you not. I'm totally gonna ace that class.

But.

I'm also taking algebra. And I suck at math. I took Tech Math last summer and got a B, so I don't actually need this class bin taking it because I need a class for my GI Bill (my source of income), I have to be in school in order to be a work-study, and I'll need College Algebra for my Bachelor's, so I figured "Why not?" I guess I should've said "No!" and stayed away instead. Or maybe picked another teacher. The one I chose was the one I had for Tech, and I'm pretty sure the only reason I passed Tech was because my dad stayed up til midnight almost every night tutoring me.

Anyway. I had a pretty severe panic attack at work the other day. I've been stressed out and not sleeping very well. My class starts at 7:30, and in order to get Monkey to my mom's in time to get to class on time, I have to wake up at 5:30 so we can walk out the door between 6:40-6:50. I don't normally go to bed til about 11 and I tend to wake up several times a night. Definitely not enough sleep. I walk around like a fucking zombie because I'm always *so* tired.

My psychiatrist recommended that I quit work last semester because I was under so much stress. She was probably right, I probably should have and probably still should, but I can't afford to do that while I'm trying to save up for Italy. Or, y'know, trying to save money, period. We might be comfortable, but we're not exactly rolling in it.

Still, it'd be so nice not to have to worry about going to work. I could just worry about school and the house... Focus more on things I actually want to do (like read and my blog - which I've kind of dropped lately since the people who've volunteered to help me haven't bothered and I feel like I'm fucking drowning with everything else going on in my life) and I'd love it. At least I think I'd love it. Grass is greener, and all that.

0033. grown children

I'm taking Spanish this semester even though I already speak the language. I needed a foreign language credit and for some reason the college didn't take my military Spanish credits. Whatever, it's an easy class and I figured I'd sleep through it. I was partially right. There are several people in the class that are beginners. They've never taken a Spanish class before and they're kind of lost. I don't blame them too much because the teacher moves a little fast. But I want to slap the shit out of all of them when they start bitching and whining and blaming everything on the teacher when I know for a fact that none of the little fuckers are studying outside of class. How the fuck are you going to learn if you don't study? And how are you going to blame it on the teacher when she gives you options. She bends over backwards to allow these adults children more than enough time to turn in their homework. Hell, I was sick for the past 2 weeks and couldn't finish a project. I asked her politely if I could turn in my questions and answers (in Spanish, covering the verbs in the chapter we tested on) today. She said yes. I assumed it was because I'm such a good student, but today she said she was taking work from everyone that had something missing from their portfolio. She's said more than once that no one has ever failed her class. I have a feeling that my "partner" (who is no longer my partner - I asked to change with someone else since I can’t have someone who is so freaking negative all the time pulling me down and fucking with my grades) is probably going to fail since he refuses to do any work outside of class, to include the projects that are due every test day. I’m so tired of being surrounded by these children! It must be nice to go to school on Mommy and Daddy’s money and not have to worry about things like GPAs and having to finish school to get a good job. 2 more years. Just 2 more years and I’ll be done with school. Please God let it go by quickly.

0027. all my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

iTunes: "All I Need" - Within Temptation

Mood: happy

I know it's been a while since I've posted. There are plenty of good reasons for it, namely that I've been working and doing the school thing. Monkey got sick for a while and she took up pretty much all my time & energy (the flu is bad enough, but when it's a 5 year old that's sick... it's awful). My internet had all sorts of issues and I was without internet for a week or so. But mostly, I was too busy with the whole wedded bliss thing.

Yup, you read that right. PK & I got married!

Technically. We filed a Declaration of Informal Marriage, which is common-law marriage. But in Texas, it's as legal as going in front of a judge or a priest, so we're as married as married can get. I hyphenated my last name and we now refer to each other as "husband" and "wife" because we're silly like that.

HAPPY TIMES!!

Speaking of happy times... I've been battling with pretty severe depression for almost my entire life. I've talked about it on the Twitloss blog a lot because it deals with health and weight loss issues, but basically - I'm bipolar. It's not as severe as some other people I know, but it's enough that it does affect me and those around me. It got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore, and I finally broke down and went to Mental Health at the VA (something I put off for 2 years because I was so certain I could handle it).

Turns out, asking for help with something doesn't make you weak, and being bipolar doesn't make you crazy. Amazing, the stuff you learn when you reach out...

Anyway. They put me on some meds to help level my moods out. In the 5 weeks or so I've been on it, I've been sleeping better, I haven't been crying or screaming nearly as much, and I'm generally happier. The one issue I have with it is that I"m hungry all the time. And it's really hard to resist grabbing the puffy Cheetos (which I'm craving BIG TIME). I drink a TON of water because the meds dehydrate me, but also because it helps to curb my appetite... kind of.

I'm secretly terrified that I'm going to gain all the weight I lost back, but as of the last doctor's appointment, I've only gained 1 pound back, and that was during Girl Time, so I'm attributing that pound to water retention.

I've cleaned up the house and it looks nearly model-like again. I just need to get the boxes out of the corner and see about setting up that damned elliptical. I need to jump on it & get the remaining 40 pounds off. If we're going to Italy in the summer, I don't want to look like a beached whale when we hit the private pool at the villa.

Oh, did I forget to mention that part?

We're going to ITALY for TWO WEEKS this summer!!!! We're going with PK's family and a few very close family friends. Monkey's staying home with Nana, so it'll kinda be like a honeymoon. At some point, PK's hoping to take me to Rome for a day or two, just us. I can't wait!!

And in other good news (I'm full of it today, aren't I?) I've been elected president of my college's creative writing club. Kind of exciting, but at the same time kind of scary since I don't know the first thing about running an extra curricular club. But I'm sure it'll be a blast either way.

Guess I'd better get to work. Or pretending to work. :)

0022. the beat was going strong playing my favorite song

iTunes: "I love rock & roll" - Britney Spears

Mood: tired, slightly irritated, but still ok (complicated?)

Today wasn't horrible. It was busy, but not bad. By the time 2:00 rolled around, I was seriously clock-watching cause I was so ready to go home. 3:00 hit, and I ran out the door. Went & picked Monkey from school and had to take her home to change her shirt because she managed to get green frosting all over it (they made "Christmas trees" out of waffle cones, green frosting, and M&Ms). I decided to take her to the nail salon so that we could get our nails done.

I love taking her to get her nails painted, she's so adorable when she's picking out the color and trying to be patient about how long it's taking for them to dry. Normally, I take her Leapster and she sits there fairly quietly playing while I get my nails redone. Today, she played her Leapster for about 10 seconds and proceeded to spin the chair around, kick the chair away from the table, mess with everything on the table (especially the fan and the lamp)... basically anything she could do to get in trouble.

I don't know what's going on with her lately, but she refuses to listen to me. She looks right at me with that little glint in her eyes and does exactly what I tell her not to. Then she laughs at me when I get mad at her for doing it! What the hell??? Is it an age thing? Is it a phase? Is it her way of saying "Pay more attention to me and stop being such a shitty mom?" I don't know what the hell to do! Spanking and time out isn't working. Talking to her like an adult isn't working. Talking to her like a child isn't working.

I'm at that point where I'm overwhelmed from everything and I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of having a panic attack. I need a fucking break. Not just from Monkey (my mom's planning on taking her for a weekend sometime soon), but from everything. Work, school, PK... LIFE.

I feel like I'm being all whiny and irritating because everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and needs a break, but FUCK! How am I supposed to center my fucking chi and calm the hell down if I can't even take a shower without someone (namely Monkey) crawling up my ass & asking me 10,000 questions?!

0021. Flaunting my intelligence... or something.

I love school. I make no secret of that. While I'm not a huge fan of my government class, I am huge fan of learning... especially history. OMG, I'm suuuuuch a history dork. So much so that I've been actively wondering why I'm not pursuing a history degree instead of a nursing degree (money - plain & simple).

Today, I had to take an online test for my Texas History class because the prof had been absent one day and he needed the extra time for lecture before the final. I'm actually really happy for that because it gave me a little more time to really read the book instead of just skimming over the book for the answers to the questions on the review. As dorky as it makes me, I really enjoyed the outside reading we did this semester. The book is called Galveston: A History by David G McComb.

It's not nearly as dry as I thought the history of a city would be, and I ended up going online to see what other cities or states he's done biographies of. He's written about Colorado, the state of Texas, a modern history of Texas, and HOUSTON! Of course, I ordered the Houston book and can't wait to read it (I'll have to, since I'm so horrendously behind on my reviews, but as soon as I get caught up, I'm diving right in!)

So yeah, the test... We usually have 40 multiple choice questions and one (short) essay question. This time, we had 20 multiple questions, which took me around 15 minutes to complete, and I took the remaining 45 minutes on the timer to write the longest test essay response I've ever written in my life.

I wrote 1248 words on 2 pages in 11 point Calibri font. Normally, I have to fight myself to come up with something to write on tests. But in this class I have never lacked for the words, just the time and the page space (we've got 4 short pages on our scantrons and with how large my handwriting is.... it tends to fill up quickly). Today, I let myself go crazy. And I'm so happy with the results that I can't help but share it. If you're really that interested in reading my genius work, click the "READ MORE!" link below.