0048.

I know I sound like I'm whining when I say this, but it hurts my feelings when my study group leaves me out of the loop. Maybe I leave myself out because I don't drink and they tend to go out all the time but I can still go out with them and have a good time without drinking. In fact, I have MORE fun because I don't drink because I don't fall down and hurt myself AND I get to remember everything that happened! But because I don't drink or act like a 19 year old (despite being a 31 year old mother of 2), I'm blatantly left out of everything. I shouldn't let it bother me. Most of the time it annoys M's when they're a ting like children, but they are still fun to be around... I know, I
Whining and contradicting myself. I hate it when people don't like me. I'm not a horrible, evil person. I might come across as abrasi e sometimes, but I'm really not. I'm what people call "short" with people because I don't have time to deal with things like stupidity and childishness (to name a few things). Even though I'm a Southerner, I've been told I have a Yankee mentality and that turns people off. Funny thing is, when you're my friend, I'll love you forever, have a ton of patience (within limits), and bend myself in a pretzel to help you out. Earn my trust, love, and loyalty, and you're set for life.

I was really hoping I would bond with the people in my class and form these amazing friendships for life sort of like I have with MamaChelle and Nerf... But I guess nothing will ever compare to them because any friendship I've formed since them has paled in comparison. PALED. And these girls.... Sigh.... It's like I'm hanging out with the girls from high school all over again. We just happen to be chronologically older and have children.

0034. Happy Birthday to Me (and Twin!)

Yup, it's my birthday. Twin and I turned the big 2-8 this morning at 0:dark:30. I used to know the exact time I was born, but it's so unGodly early that I've let it slip my mind. Seriously. I don't wake up that early for anyone... except my mom, I guess. :)

I'm not that into cake, funnily enough, but I am into cupcakes. Weird, I know. If I do have cake, I want the whipped icing you get from Kroger or Target (although Target's frosting is way better AND you can get it flavored with strawberry! omnomnomnom), and of course, both the cup/cake and frosting have to be chocolate. (Fresh) Strawberry topping is entirely optional, of course.

I don't think I'll be getting a cake or cupcakes this year, which kind of bums be out, if I'm being honest (and I promised I would be totally honest on this blog... which is partly why I haven't been posting lately. That, and I simply haven't had time with all the things I have to say). Birthdays aren't ususally a big deal for people after 21, but I've always loved them. I love the parties, I love decorating the cakes (I've made a cake for Monkey every year so far and decorated it like her favorite character at the time), I love the celebration, and since I'm being honest, I love that it's all about me. Well, about me and Twin, but he's in Georgia right now, so it's mostly about me. LOL. I can't help it.

I don't get a lot of days that are all about me anymore, and as shy as I am I like being the center of attention (among friends and family - strangers weird me out, so please go away). Does that make me selfish? Probably. Does that make me human? Absolutely. Who doesn't like being praised and showered with love and attention (and gifts - don't lie and say you don't like them).

I think when I get home tonight, Monkey and I are going to whip up a batch of cupcakes. Maybe cookies. I don't think I have any cake mix at home, and I'm not sure if I have all the ingredients to make cupcakes from scratch.

Happy birthday to me.

0022. the beat was going strong playing my favorite song

iTunes: "I love rock & roll" - Britney Spears

Mood: tired, slightly irritated, but still ok (complicated?)

Today wasn't horrible. It was busy, but not bad. By the time 2:00 rolled around, I was seriously clock-watching cause I was so ready to go home. 3:00 hit, and I ran out the door. Went & picked Monkey from school and had to take her home to change her shirt because she managed to get green frosting all over it (they made "Christmas trees" out of waffle cones, green frosting, and M&Ms). I decided to take her to the nail salon so that we could get our nails done.

I love taking her to get her nails painted, she's so adorable when she's picking out the color and trying to be patient about how long it's taking for them to dry. Normally, I take her Leapster and she sits there fairly quietly playing while I get my nails redone. Today, she played her Leapster for about 10 seconds and proceeded to spin the chair around, kick the chair away from the table, mess with everything on the table (especially the fan and the lamp)... basically anything she could do to get in trouble.

I don't know what's going on with her lately, but she refuses to listen to me. She looks right at me with that little glint in her eyes and does exactly what I tell her not to. Then she laughs at me when I get mad at her for doing it! What the hell??? Is it an age thing? Is it a phase? Is it her way of saying "Pay more attention to me and stop being such a shitty mom?" I don't know what the hell to do! Spanking and time out isn't working. Talking to her like an adult isn't working. Talking to her like a child isn't working.

I'm at that point where I'm overwhelmed from everything and I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of having a panic attack. I need a fucking break. Not just from Monkey (my mom's planning on taking her for a weekend sometime soon), but from everything. Work, school, PK... LIFE.

I feel like I'm being all whiny and irritating because everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and needs a break, but FUCK! How am I supposed to center my fucking chi and calm the hell down if I can't even take a shower without someone (namely Monkey) crawling up my ass & asking me 10,000 questions?!

0020. on the outside looking in

I don't want to sound like a child, stomping my foot on the ground and crying because I feel left out or ignored... but that's how I've been feeling lately. Maybe I try too hard to fit in, in IRL situations, because I'm constantly trying to talk to someone, find something in common with someone, and/or connect with someone. And I don't feel like I'm doing that. I have friends, but I don't have many people that I'm close to.

Ever since I joined the Navy and moved away, my relationship with Gigi has suffered. We're not nearly as close as we used to be. Lolo and I joined the Navy together, but she got out way before I did, got married, and moved to the other side of the city. I'm happy that she's married, has a beautiful baby girl, and is happy, but I miss my friend. And Nerf, my BFF from the Navy, moved to California to be with her husband. I can't be mad about that because I'd do the exact same thing, but I miss my best friend. I miss them all so much.

I feel like I"m being really needy and whiny right now, but I miss nights when I'd go over to Nerf's (or she'd come to my place), and we'd bake cookies from scratch, watch chick flicks, and stay up all night talking. I miss walking in the door and her immediately reaching for whatever it is I needed at that moment (because she somehow always knew) and sitting down with me on the couch and cuddling with me. It's hard to have that kind of strictly platonic friendship when you can cuddle up with someone and they don't think you're trying to get in their pants.

As for online... Most of my friendships are blog-related. And while I know that I could call any one of these women and they'd drop whatever it is they're doing to talk to me, I still feel as though I'm on the outside looking in. I don't blog as much as I should, I'm not on Twitter as much anymore, and I'm scared that I'll fade away. And because I don't blog as much as I should & I'm not on Twitter as much anymore, I feel like I'm missing out on a lot and people who I was close to in the past are forgetting about me.

I also feel like I'm not nearly smart enough to be blogging with some of the people I blog with. I look at their posts and I'm blown away by the amount of information they came away with after reading a book. I don't see symbolism. I don't see themes. I don't notice the subtleties that make a book. Well, I do when I'm actively looking for it, but if I'm not reading a book for a class, I don't see things like that. I read to get lost in the story and to lose myself for a few hours.

I know I'm being paranoid & ridiculous, but it's how I feel right now. And since this is my personal blog and I'm supposed to be totally honest in it... well, there you go.

0016. we always find things we've never seen before...

iTunes: nada - Monkey's watching Backyardigans on TV
mood: tired & irritated

I have one more paper to write for my Medical Terminology class, which I can turn in early so I plan on doing that just to get the class out of the way. I have one more test in my Government class (but no idea when that will be since the professor isn't exactly big on the whole communication thing), and two more for my Texas History class (which I love and wish would never end). I'm ready for this semester to be over! I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I finally get into nursing school!

I’m tired and stressed and that doesn’t exactly equal for happy MK. I have an hour to get to class and 2 ½ hours until I have to go to work. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to deal with the newbie who gets pissy because he’s not used to working anymore. I’m sorry, but you were a freaking Sgt in the Marines. If you’re not used to work, then you must’ve sucked a lot of dick to get to E5. I don’t care if you haven’t worked since you got out – Marines work hard. End of story. So for you to get all whiny and pissy when someone tells you to freaking go take some envelopes to the post office is beyond ridiculous and you should be strung up and whipped with a wet noodle for being such a bitch about it. Jesus fucking Christ. Grow the fuck up. You’re 27 years old and you act like you’re a child. My daughter knows more about responsibility and doing what you’re told and she’s FIVE!

Sorry, I had to vent that for a minute. I just want to take the day off of work, take a nap, and ignore the urge to pull my fingernails out by the roots rather than deal with dipshits and asshats. This is why I’m not good at customer service (and I’m going into nursing??)

Speaking of... I’ve been seriously re-thinking going into nursing as my history class progresses. I love my history class. I love history. So why am I going into a field where I’m not sure I want to be instead of going into a field where I can do what I love? Mostly because of money. The GI Bill requires that I follow a certain degree plan once I’ve chosen it. And if I change from pre-health to history, most of the classes I’ve taken in preparation for the nursing program won’t fit, and the GI Bill won’t be able to pay for the other classes that are required for a history degree. Also, nurses make WAY more money than history teachers do, even though high school teachers make around $50,000 a year to start in the Houston area. So, I’m stuck prepping for and heading into the nursing program. Which, let me be honest, isn’t exactly my cuppa right now.

Whine, whine, whine. Now I’m the whiner. I really do need a vacation.