0057. feels like every time i get back on my feet [trouble] come around & knock me down again

iTunes: Trouble - Ray La Montagne

Mood: tired, irritated, frustrated, done

Today wasn't bad. It really wasn't. I slept in a little bit, but still managed to make it to school on time. I was sleepy, but I didn't fall asleep in class. I understood what was going on (for the most part - I have a lot of studying to do this weekend). When we had a tutoring session with the director of the xray program (who is also our Principles of Radiographic Imaging II teacher), I actually understood what was going on. So, the morning wasn't bad I guess.

I had an appointment at the VA today, and driving up there is always crappy because it's a 40 minute drive (one way). I'm already really tired, and long drives tend to put me in a coma so I spend the whole drive up there and back either singing at the top of my lungs or on the phone.

The appointment I had today was for my Well Woman appointment, which is always super fun. They have a special clinic just for us chicks so that we don't have to deal with being around men while we're going to have special girl time, which I like. Unfortunately, I learned today that they're taking this option away and I'll be having my next WW appointment with my Primary Care doctor. I don't like that option so much. See, my doc is a female, but I don't always see her because she's busy. Sometimes I see a resident, and occasionally that resident is a male... and I have PTSD... that doesn't allow me to be comfortable around males (I'm honestly surprised that I'm married). Anyway. When I went into the room for my exam, one of the Primary Care docs was there to "brush up" on his Well Woman technique and I instantly froze up. My hands started shaking and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. My OB/GYN noticed and sent him out while I was changing, but the damage was done. To top it off, there's an issue with my cervix that's sending me to the Gyno specialist.

Really, the appointment wasn't that bad. I've had far worse, I assure you.

I went home after and it was early enough that Monkey was still in school so I took a little (much needed) nap. After I picked her up, she started talking, and didn't stop until I put her to bed 2 minutes ago. PK came home feeling grumpy and crappy and in an all around bad mood. I'm stressing out about money and school and everything else going on in my life. I'm ready to be done with it all and I've got SO MUCH MORE LEFT. I know 4 1/2 semesters may not seem like a lot, but when you're this burned out, it really fucking is.

I took half of a Valium earlier and I hope to God it kicks in soon because I need to not care right now. Or just be chill. Or something. I just need to chill. PK wants me to go into the bedroom and watch the fucking Godfather ("the best movie of all time!") but I don't like it so I'm procrastinating. It's not like I don't have 16,000 other things to do any way, but still. I need to spend time with my husband.

0056. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and Sam's sister has Bipolar Disorder. Her case is a lot more severe than mine is, but either way it's not easy. I keep thinking that I'm one of the more "normal" cases. My case is on the mild side - I'm relatively functional most days, but I walk on a thin line between "normal" and falling into a pit of depression so deep I never know if I'm going to crawl out again. And then there are the "high" days. The days when I don't sleep because I have so much to do and I know that I'm the only one who can get it done because if anyone else does it, it'll be wrong (thank you, OCD).

It's taken me a long time to admit it, but I'm sick. And I'm still coming to grips with that fact. I've been on my mom for years about staying on her meds, because her Bipolar Disorder is far worse than mine is, but I continuously fuck mine up. I did it again in the past few weeks, because I've been so depressed that I just can't bring myself to even get my meds out from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and put them in my little pill holder. Yes, I have a pill holder - for both my AM and PM pills, because I take that many. 8 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Good GOD, I take a lot of medicine. But according to the doctor, I need them all. But I HATE TAKING THEM.

My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. And I'm fucking sick & tired of being fucking sick & tired.

0055. gimme gimme

(Normal x-ray markers)

We were looking at x-ray markers today at the hospital because one of the techs was hired on full time and one of the other techs wanted to get her a present. So, we found some right and left markers that fit her personality (they have skull and crossbones above the R and L and her initials), but while we were searching, I found a website that had a ton of markers that I'd punch a nun for. They're seriously SO CUTE!!

So, obviously I can't use all of the markers, but I still want all the sets. Maybe I can keep a couple different ones on me and use one for adults and one for kids and just switch out every other day. But it'll have to wait until I have a regular tech job and until I have a regular paycheck coming in, because even though I have disability and the GI Bill, it's not necessarily guaranteed. This month, I was short 2 week's worth of a paycheck because I wasn't in school for that amount of time (fucking break) and they no longer pay breaks (fucking Obama) so now I'm fucked (FUCK). Anyway.

I applied to be a cashier at HEB today. I gave my availability as Wednesday afternoons, Friday afternoons, all day Saturday, and Sunday afternoons (so that I don't miss church). It's going to cut into my blogging and my study time, but I need the money. I'm going to have to let them know that I need time off for my SIL's wedding and for AAD, and if they have issues with that then I'll just have to not accept the job (if I get it to begin with that is). One of the girls that's in the program with me works there and she says that they're pretty good about working with people who are going to college. And they pay fairly decently considering minimum wage is like $7.30 an hour or some shit. I think they pay around $8 an hour or maybe even a little more than that. As long as I'm not paying to work there by using up a shit ton of gas by driving there, we're all good.

Wish me luck.

I'm gonna go hang out with PK now. It's our anniversary today and I figure it'd be nice to actually spend time with him tonight (for once, lol)