0055. gimme gimme

(Normal x-ray markers)

We were looking at x-ray markers today at the hospital because one of the techs was hired on full time and one of the other techs wanted to get her a present. So, we found some right and left markers that fit her personality (they have skull and crossbones above the R and L and her initials), but while we were searching, I found a website that had a ton of markers that I'd punch a nun for. They're seriously SO CUTE!!

So, obviously I can't use all of the markers, but I still want all the sets. Maybe I can keep a couple different ones on me and use one for adults and one for kids and just switch out every other day. But it'll have to wait until I have a regular tech job and until I have a regular paycheck coming in, because even though I have disability and the GI Bill, it's not necessarily guaranteed. This month, I was short 2 week's worth of a paycheck because I wasn't in school for that amount of time (fucking break) and they no longer pay breaks (fucking Obama) so now I'm fucked (FUCK). Anyway.

I applied to be a cashier at HEB today. I gave my availability as Wednesday afternoons, Friday afternoons, all day Saturday, and Sunday afternoons (so that I don't miss church). It's going to cut into my blogging and my study time, but I need the money. I'm going to have to let them know that I need time off for my SIL's wedding and for AAD, and if they have issues with that then I'll just have to not accept the job (if I get it to begin with that is). One of the girls that's in the program with me works there and she says that they're pretty good about working with people who are going to college. And they pay fairly decently considering minimum wage is like $7.30 an hour or some shit. I think they pay around $8 an hour or maybe even a little more than that. As long as I'm not paying to work there by using up a shit ton of gas by driving there, we're all good.

Wish me luck.

I'm gonna go hang out with PK now. It's our anniversary today and I figure it'd be nice to actually spend time with him tonight (for once, lol)

0043. how does it feel to be wrong fucking stupid for so long

So, I'm sure he meant this as a breakup song based on some of the lyrics, but as for the rest of the song? Totally fits today.

It was my last at work and the last day of the short summer semester, and it couldn't fucking come soon enough for my taste. I've been super stressed out lately (um, duh) and most of it has come from... you guessed it - work and school. Mostly school because this Algebra class has seriously KICKED MY ASS for some reason. Probably because I suck at math anyway and the teacher is a moron, but I digress. I'll retake the class, pass it, and pull my GPA back up where it's supposed to be.

Once I let go of the all the stress I was putting on myself with trying to pass the class, I was doing fine. I hated my job, but I was working in the back with BossLady and my new friend M and we got along great... until the night of the Jewelry Party. BossLady's 16 year old daughter let my 5 year old watch a zombie movie in the kid's room and of course I was NOT OK with that. I said something to the 16 year old, and BossLady was not okay with that (I'm condensing the story in case I've already told it).

Ever since then, BossLady will only speak to me if it's work-related, she gives me the cold shoulder, and I found out today that she gave the other work studies time off (WITH PAY) so that I would have to work out in the front so that I wouldn't have to be in the office alone with her while M was in class. I'm sorry, but how freaking childish is that??? I know I've mentioned before that BossLady likes to gossip and stuff, but I figured that was just her trying to stay on our level since she's so much older than us. Nope. She really is that immature. She asked M "How could you be friends with her" referring to me when M was texting me before I came into work the other day.

When I woke up this morning, I dreaded going to work. Seriously. My stomach hurt so bad that I could barely eat anything, and I have to eat or I can't take my meds. I ended up not taking them because I couldn't get anything down - I was too afraid I'd end up throwing it all back up. And even though I'm hugely relieved not to have to go back unless I have student-related stuff... but I'm also worried because she's the ONLY person there who certifies my attendance for the VA. If I don't get certified, I don't get paid. And with her attitude of late, I have to wonder if she will mess with my paperwork for next fall. She knows that I depend on my GI Bill money to survive financially. I'd hope that she wouldn't take food out of my child's mouth, but at this point I wouldn't put anything past her.

I'm going to have to put this blog on private for a while, I think. Or maybe just this post.

I'm so tired and so frustrated. I want to go to PK and cry, but if I told him about all this mess, he'd either tell me to suck it up (since he has to deal with multiple assholes like BL at his job on a daily basis) or he'd go punch the bitch in the face for making me cry and possibly threatening his family's financial stability. Probably option #2, since you don't fuck with his baby girl. Since I don't want him to go punch her in the face and ensure that she never certifies me again, I want to go lay my head in my mommy's lap and cry. Except oh wait, I can't do that either. She's on vacation in Florida and I have to go take care of her animals and water her plants (already did that today - I'm a good daughter). GODDAMNIT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A HERMIT???

0039.

iTunes: None. I'm at work.
Mood: Lost/Confused


I'm... lost. Confused. Something. I don't know anymore. I want to work, I do. I hate being bored. But I don't know what I want to do with my life. I like being an administrative assistant, but that's such a difficult field to work in these days because of the economy and it's vast suckage. I far prefer blogging and social networking (which I know you can make money from at home - but I don't know how to break into that world... I'm looking into it via hiremymom.com).

I like school, but at the same time I'M SO TIRED OF IT. And if I get into this program, I've got 2 more freaking years of it. I know 2 years isn't a long time, but it's 2 more years. At least if I get into the program I won't be able to work anymore.

Shit, maybe I should quit anyway. I'm stressed out and I want to rip every bit of my hair out. Do you know that I actually dream of going for a run, and I hate running? But I know that working out is a MAJOR source of stress relief, so I dream about running.


The Medical Imaging program director said that if I haven't received an email stating if I have or haven't made it into the program, to either call or email. Well, I called this morning and they have a recording up with something saying if you have questions about MRI, Sonography, or Mammography, call these extensions (I'm applying for X-ray/Radiography). So, of course, I had to email. This means I have to wait longer. Smart, grasshopers. very smart.


This also means I have more time to ponder... Do I really want to do the X-Ray program? Do I really want to do 2 more years of school when I've already done enough classes (85 credit hours... I'm a freaking Junior!) to have a degree in General Studies? I'm so freaking sick of school I could vomit (probably literally).


I know I'm only 28, but I want to stay at home and be with the kid(s)... and God help me, I want to have more. I want to have another baby with PK. I don't think I can do that if I go back to work. Then again, we can't afford to have another kid if I'm not working, so it's kind of a vicious cycle there isn't it?


I don't know what to do!!! Why can't God just put a flashing neon sign in front of me. "HEY MAMAKITTY! This is what you're supposed to do with you're life. And guess what! You're going to LOVE IT!!!"

0038. don't you forget

iTunes: "It's my life" - No Doubt
mood: almost defeated

I have a test on Thursday in Algebra and I have almost no idea what we're doing. Today, I had my first breakthrough. I'm hoping that when I go to tutoring later I'll be able to remember what the fuck we did. I'm hoping even more than when I sit down with my dad I'll be able to remember what the fuck's going on.

I'm so tired that I can barely remember my name at this point. I'm not sleeping well, and even coffee can barely keep me awake. Even when I go to sleep at a decent hour, I don't sleep through the night. I'm going to take my doc's advice and pick up either some Tylenol PM or some Benadryl, which is apparently the same thing, but Tylenol PM has Tylenol in it (which I need for the constant pain I'm in).

I've also been rethinking my career goals. I don't want to be a nurse, and haven't wanted to be one for a while. I love blogging, but don't always have anything interesting to say, which is a big reason why I don't blog here consistently. I don't think y'all want to hear me whining about how much pain I'm always in, how much I hate my job, or always talking about the funny thing Monkey did or said all the time (ok that last one is probably ok - I have a really cute kid). But when I don't get a lot of comments (especially over on MKR, and especially when I'm actively going to other blogs and commenting on theirs, I tend to get a little butthurt and I want to give up).

So, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? The truth is, I don't really know. When I was an administrative assistant, I was really freaking good at it. Sure, there were times I'd get bored and read at work or twitter (when they allowed it - sometimes they blocked the site, the bastards), but sor the most part, I was fucking GREAT at my job.

So the question is... do I go back to that world if the medical jobs and the work-at-home jobs don't pan out? More than likely. I can't live off of disability, as much as I'd like to. I'd love to stay at home, take care of the house work and be a stay at home mom. I'd make Donna Reed look like a trashy trailer house mom (I say that being someone who grew up in a trailer -- granted, my mom always kept a beautiful home and we would bleach everything, literally, once a week, but I digress).

I feel so lost and I hate this! I just want to know what to do with my life. And I want to stop being so fucking tired and in pain all the time.

0035. and it begins again

Summer classes began on Monday. I'm only taking two this time around, so you'd figure less stress. Well, you're partially right. I'm taking Intro to Computers, which is gonna be an incredibly easy class because it's... An introduction to computers. You literally learn all the parts of the computer, what they do, about the Internet, etc. It actually asked ms what a blog is. I shit you not. I'm totally gonna ace that class.

But.

I'm also taking algebra. And I suck at math. I took Tech Math last summer and got a B, so I don't actually need this class bin taking it because I need a class for my GI Bill (my source of income), I have to be in school in order to be a work-study, and I'll need College Algebra for my Bachelor's, so I figured "Why not?" I guess I should've said "No!" and stayed away instead. Or maybe picked another teacher. The one I chose was the one I had for Tech, and I'm pretty sure the only reason I passed Tech was because my dad stayed up til midnight almost every night tutoring me.

Anyway. I had a pretty severe panic attack at work the other day. I've been stressed out and not sleeping very well. My class starts at 7:30, and in order to get Monkey to my mom's in time to get to class on time, I have to wake up at 5:30 so we can walk out the door between 6:40-6:50. I don't normally go to bed til about 11 and I tend to wake up several times a night. Definitely not enough sleep. I walk around like a fucking zombie because I'm always *so* tired.

My psychiatrist recommended that I quit work last semester because I was under so much stress. She was probably right, I probably should have and probably still should, but I can't afford to do that while I'm trying to save up for Italy. Or, y'know, trying to save money, period. We might be comfortable, but we're not exactly rolling in it.

Still, it'd be so nice not to have to worry about going to work. I could just worry about school and the house... Focus more on things I actually want to do (like read and my blog - which I've kind of dropped lately since the people who've volunteered to help me haven't bothered and I feel like I'm fucking drowning with everything else going on in my life) and I'd love it. At least I think I'd love it. Grass is greener, and all that.

0027. all my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

iTunes: "All I Need" - Within Temptation

Mood: happy

I know it's been a while since I've posted. There are plenty of good reasons for it, namely that I've been working and doing the school thing. Monkey got sick for a while and she took up pretty much all my time & energy (the flu is bad enough, but when it's a 5 year old that's sick... it's awful). My internet had all sorts of issues and I was without internet for a week or so. But mostly, I was too busy with the whole wedded bliss thing.

Yup, you read that right. PK & I got married!

Technically. We filed a Declaration of Informal Marriage, which is common-law marriage. But in Texas, it's as legal as going in front of a judge or a priest, so we're as married as married can get. I hyphenated my last name and we now refer to each other as "husband" and "wife" because we're silly like that.

HAPPY TIMES!!

Speaking of happy times... I've been battling with pretty severe depression for almost my entire life. I've talked about it on the Twitloss blog a lot because it deals with health and weight loss issues, but basically - I'm bipolar. It's not as severe as some other people I know, but it's enough that it does affect me and those around me. It got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore, and I finally broke down and went to Mental Health at the VA (something I put off for 2 years because I was so certain I could handle it).

Turns out, asking for help with something doesn't make you weak, and being bipolar doesn't make you crazy. Amazing, the stuff you learn when you reach out...

Anyway. They put me on some meds to help level my moods out. In the 5 weeks or so I've been on it, I've been sleeping better, I haven't been crying or screaming nearly as much, and I'm generally happier. The one issue I have with it is that I"m hungry all the time. And it's really hard to resist grabbing the puffy Cheetos (which I'm craving BIG TIME). I drink a TON of water because the meds dehydrate me, but also because it helps to curb my appetite... kind of.

I'm secretly terrified that I'm going to gain all the weight I lost back, but as of the last doctor's appointment, I've only gained 1 pound back, and that was during Girl Time, so I'm attributing that pound to water retention.

I've cleaned up the house and it looks nearly model-like again. I just need to get the boxes out of the corner and see about setting up that damned elliptical. I need to jump on it & get the remaining 40 pounds off. If we're going to Italy in the summer, I don't want to look like a beached whale when we hit the private pool at the villa.

Oh, did I forget to mention that part?

We're going to ITALY for TWO WEEKS this summer!!!! We're going with PK's family and a few very close family friends. Monkey's staying home with Nana, so it'll kinda be like a honeymoon. At some point, PK's hoping to take me to Rome for a day or two, just us. I can't wait!!

And in other good news (I'm full of it today, aren't I?) I've been elected president of my college's creative writing club. Kind of exciting, but at the same time kind of scary since I don't know the first thing about running an extra curricular club. But I'm sure it'll be a blast either way.

Guess I'd better get to work. Or pretending to work. :)

0024. I can admit when I'm being childish

So my last post was written while fairly drunk and in the middle of a tantrum. I admit that sometimes I can be a bit of a child. I'm 27, not 17. I sometimes have trouble remembering that.

The thing is, with how severe my social anxiety is, I don't want to go out often. PK has routinely told me that I've changed his entire lifestyle because he used to go out all the time and now he never goes out. Of course he gives himself away when I actually want to go somewhere and he tells me that he wants to stay home because he's "so tired" and he "never [gets] to stay home and relax because [he] never [has] time off".

Yes, I know that he works hard and often. I understand that. But why is it only when I want to go out that he's too tired for it? And why is it the things that I want to do that he's tired of (going to a bar in the area - i.e. Maribel's, Scout Bar, Monkey Bar, etc).

Maybe I'm still in the middle of my childish tantrum.

While I'm ranting... We had a "pow-wow" at work yesterday wherein we were told that we all need to help each other out. I found this a bit amusing, since my job entails filing, voicemail, whatever Boss Lady needs in the office, and backing the guys up because they're out front with students. I'd say about 85% of my time is spent in the front or standing in the office helping the guys because they know nothing.

The 2 new guys, I can totally understand why they need help. They've been here less than a month, they're bound to have a few questions here & there. But Lazy has been with us for MONTHS and he still routinely has to ask the most basic simple questions there are! And he made a comment on how the filing wasn't done Thursday afternoon. I'm sorry, would that be the day that we were so busy I didn't even have time to eat lunch? The day that I pick my kid up from school and have to RUN out the door? Yes, I believe so. And he also brought up a day where he asked me a question & I told him that I had to leave. That was on another Tuesday or Thursday. He claims it was 10 minutes before I had to leave, and yet I've routinely been late picking Monkey up because I've been too busy helping his stupid lazy ass out and taking care of students to leave right at 3:00.

I cannot tell you how many times I've told them that if I'm not OUT THE DOOR RIGHT AT 3:00 that I will be late to pick her up. And how many times I've left at 3:05, even as late at 3:10. I don't like it when Monkey is the last kid picked up. I don't like it when it's evident that she's been crying when I pick her up because she thinks Mommy has forgotten her. So fuck you for being upset that I told you I'm leaving and don't have time to answer your stupid ass question. Fuck you twice for implying that I said it 10 minutes before leaving because that shit has NEVER HAPPENED, Mr "I'm out 15 minutes before my shift is actually over".

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? He leaves early. Every day. And he laughs about it! He even left me by myself on a Friday when the entire office was closing at 5:00. We do NOT leave before 5:00 because the Big Boss Lady (the one who's in charge of the entire office) gets pissed if we close our doors one second before 5:00. But our boss was out that day and he & I were the only ones there. He told me that his clock said it was 5:00, so he was leaving. I told him we don't go by our personal clocks, that we go by the one in the office and even then, we don't leave until all the students are gone and/or we've been given permission by TBBL to leave. He left anyway. I should've reported it to our boss, but I didn't because he was new and I didn't want to throw him under the bus like that.

But now? Oh, I can't wait for the first Greyhound to pass by because his ass is getting tossed directly in the line of fire.

0022. the beat was going strong playing my favorite song

iTunes: "I love rock & roll" - Britney Spears

Mood: tired, slightly irritated, but still ok (complicated?)

Today wasn't horrible. It was busy, but not bad. By the time 2:00 rolled around, I was seriously clock-watching cause I was so ready to go home. 3:00 hit, and I ran out the door. Went & picked Monkey from school and had to take her home to change her shirt because she managed to get green frosting all over it (they made "Christmas trees" out of waffle cones, green frosting, and M&Ms). I decided to take her to the nail salon so that we could get our nails done.

I love taking her to get her nails painted, she's so adorable when she's picking out the color and trying to be patient about how long it's taking for them to dry. Normally, I take her Leapster and she sits there fairly quietly playing while I get my nails redone. Today, she played her Leapster for about 10 seconds and proceeded to spin the chair around, kick the chair away from the table, mess with everything on the table (especially the fan and the lamp)... basically anything she could do to get in trouble.

I don't know what's going on with her lately, but she refuses to listen to me. She looks right at me with that little glint in her eyes and does exactly what I tell her not to. Then she laughs at me when I get mad at her for doing it! What the hell??? Is it an age thing? Is it a phase? Is it her way of saying "Pay more attention to me and stop being such a shitty mom?" I don't know what the hell to do! Spanking and time out isn't working. Talking to her like an adult isn't working. Talking to her like a child isn't working.

I'm at that point where I'm overwhelmed from everything and I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of having a panic attack. I need a fucking break. Not just from Monkey (my mom's planning on taking her for a weekend sometime soon), but from everything. Work, school, PK... LIFE.

I feel like I'm being all whiny and irritating because everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and needs a break, but FUCK! How am I supposed to center my fucking chi and calm the hell down if I can't even take a shower without someone (namely Monkey) crawling up my ass & asking me 10,000 questions?!

0019. it seems all I do these days is rant...

I have a test tomorrow over the History of Galveston. I've made it clear since the moment I walked into the door at work that I have to study today. And yet Lazy decided that he should be allowed to leave early to study for his test... which isn't til next week.

It's bad enough that he gets "overwhelmed" or "swamped" when there's more than one student waiting or when he's asked to do something like filing (which is his main fucking job!), but to leave me hanging again? That's fucking BULLSHIT. He sits up front the entire time he's here on Facebook playing war games or wannabe-Sims (thereby taking up the computer and making it impossible for any of the other workstudies to do homework during the -ha!- slow times), he doesn't take the time to learn the system, he whines when he's given a task... Why the fuck is he working here? And was he seriously a Marine? He's giving the USMC a bad fucking name.

Our part-time workstudy came in shortly after Lazy left, and I got all excited that I'd actually have some help with the students and maybe have some time to study. But from the minute she walked in, she's been on her cell phone or talking to her brother. I know that she's got financial & medical issues going on that need to be taken care of, but she's supposed to be working. She's collecting a check right now and not doing her job. From everything that I've been taught throughout the 16 years I've been working (yes, I've been working since I was 11), that's equivalent to THEFT. Get off the fucking phone and do something.

My boss takes 2+ hour lunches to go pick up her kids. I get that she needs to pick up her kids, but a 2+ hour lunch? That's ridiculous! And the fact that I don't have the power to lift holds and I don't know all the answers and she's not here... more ridiuclous.

I'm frustrated and ready to quit. The measly $725 a month isn't fucking worth it. I'd rather go wait tables at this point. The only reason I'm not quitting is because any other job I'd get would require me to work weekends, and I'm not gonna do that while I'm in school. I don't get to spend enough time with my family as it is.

0014. heaven cannot wait forever

iTunes: The First Taste - Fiona Apple
Mood: irritated

I want to start off by saying that I enjoy my job. I do. Helping veterans get back into school is awesome and rewarding. But I've been getting more and more frustrated with certain aspects.

• Vets who act like they have no idea WTF they're doing. You've been attending school for how long now and you don't know that you have to turn in your fee slip and a request for certification? Come on, now. That's just plain stupid.
  
• And it KILLS ME when they come in demanding to know why they haven't been paid yet when they turned their paperwork in just a few weeks ago. We warned them that it would take a while because they waited until the last minute. It's the VA. Do you really expect them to be ahead of the game? Um. No. They're part of the government. They move slower than a snail. Get used to it or turn your shit in early -- like we tell you to when you register for classes every semester!
  
• The boss lady is cool as hell... most of the time. It feels like she plays favorites, and if there's one thing I can't abide, it's favoritism.
• I was there by myself on Friday because one coworker had a pre-arranged day off to take care of a few things. The other coworker had mentioned taking off because we were going to have 3 people there (me, him, & the other coworker)... but then we remembered that boss lady wasn't coming in and the other coworker had appointments all day. Darn. Then he suddenly remembers that he has to do something with his car, so he calls boss lady and asks if he can take it into the shop "real quick". This leads to the assumption that he's got a ride back and he'll return in a little while. Nope. I was alone ALL DAY. It was a fairly slow day, comparatively speaking, but leaving me by myself is NOT FUCKING COOL.

I have midterms today (Government) and tomorrow (Texas History). I took the Government exam before I came into work, so I don't have to study for that, but I have to majorly study for History... and I got left alone AGAIN today.

W. T. F. ?!??!

I have a headache already, but it got worse after boss lady left with our part timer (who'd only arrived minutes before leaving) and they went to lunch. They were gone more than an hour! When they got back at 4:30, I asked to go home early so that I could study. I picked Monkey up, and decided that I needed to rant a bit before starting to study again. I'm thinking we'll have to order dinner tonight unless PK wants to cook. I'm too tired and have too much studying to do to cook tonight.

0007. you fall away from your past but it's following you

iTunes: The Fray - Fall away
Mood: Tired, but happy

Monkey's first day of Kindergarten was today. When I went to wake her up this morning, she was resistant at first (even grunting at me when I told her it was time to get up), but when I told her it was time to go to her big girl school, she jumped right out of bed and ran to the shower so she could have her hair all nice & curly for her first day of big girl school.

I got her to school early (which is kind of a first for me, since I'm chronically late for everything) and we sat in the parking lot for a minute while I did my makeup and she bounced up and down in the backseat asking if it was time to go inside yet and if she could raid her Tinkerbell lunchkit because she was "starving for cookies". When it was finally time, I took her picture at the entrance of the school and we made our way to her class.

The minute we saw her teacher, she turned into the shy kid she was pretending to be last Friday when I took her to meet her teacher (She actually screamed when the principal tried to get down on his knee -so he was at her level- and shake her hand last week). I took her into the classroom, showed her where she stowed her lunchkit and grabbed her nametag. The kids have to wear a badge with their name and picture on it kind of like I have to at work or the highschool kids do...

To be honest, that kind of weirded me out and made me feel safer at the same time. At least I know that there won't be any random people walking around the school without someone going "Hey, where's your badge and have you checked in at the front office" now. Though... a 5 year old running around a school? Kind of makes me wonder what kind of kidnapper/terrorist they're expecting. I know, I'm a paranoid freak.

Anyway. We got her situated, and she chose to sit in front of a pink jar of play dough at the green table (I don't know why that was significant) and I took more pictures. Then, she fave me the look. You know, the "are you really leaving me here alone?" look.


This is the part where I started crying.

I gave her a big hug and a kiss (ok, several), and made myself leave. I knew that if I didn't leave right at that point, I was going to grab her up and take her with me. But I know that I've got to let my baby girl grow up at some point, and since there's not much I can do about her being 5 and ready for Kindergarten, I sort of have to now. I don't like it, but I'm accepting it. Sort of.
I just keep remembering when I first had her... she was so tiny and small and helpless. totally dependent on me. And now I'm taking her to Kindergarten... I know I've got 12 more years of this stuff, but it feels like I'll be watching her graduate from high school next week. I mean, it sure as hell feels like I just found out I was pregnant with her yesterday, and that was almost 6 years ago!
I know, this is something that every mother goes through. Doesn't make it any easier to watch my little girl start to grow into her own little person. She's got such fire and personality in her. She's truly the best thing that I have ever done in my life, and the best thing to ever happen to me.

I need to go give her a squeeze now, even though it's way past her bed time. Just one little squeeze. She won't even wake up. No, really. I sneak in there for cuddles all the time. She sleeps like a log, but I still get my sleepy baby cuddles.

In other, non mommy-stalker news.... (LOL)

Work went pretty good today. We were busy as hell because it's the last day for registration, but I kept my cool and was level-headed. Even when I was the only work study up there and when my boss had to leave for an hour. I got more than a few compliments on how sweet/nice/polite/professional I was when people were leaving the office. I just think about all the times that I've had to go up there and deal with the unprofessional rude jackasses before (not necessarily in my office - there are other offices around there that I hate going to specifically), and I don't want people walking out of there with a bad taste in their mouths.

So, yeah. Work is going pretty good. It's kind of stressful, but I think I take a lot of that stress onto myself. I only have to work 25 hours a week, but I've already put in more than 80 in the 2 weeks and 1 day that I've been there.

I really enjoy working again, if I want to be completely honest. I don't like the feeling of having nothing to do. And even with all the schoolwork I know I'm going to have, I know that if I need the time off to study, I can take it. I know that if things get too crazy around the house (read: I slack off so much on the housework that it looks like a tornado hit the interior), I can take a day off and clean.

But right now, I don't have to. I'm stacking up hours so that I can take 2 days off during September when PK takes me to New York and still get paid for them. Not to mention the 3 days we'll have off for Thanksgiving, and the nearly 2 weeks we'll have off for Christmas. WOO!

It's late and I'm getting tired. Well, I guess I should say MORE tired, because I've been tired since before I got home. I had every intention of making dinner and going to bed tonight. But the food I made was good, and then PK wanted to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (he fell asleep on the couch about 20 minutes before the end of it). Now, it's getting ready to storm and I'm getting ready to go listen to it.

Good night all. Sweet dreams and all that stuff.

0003. My words would flow like honey, sweet & laid on thick

iTunes: Katy Perry - Simple
Mood: Hopeful/Optimistic

Money has been a bit of an issue lately. I'm going to school on the GI Bill, and they give us a monthly housing allowance. This month, I only got about 1/3 of that. Granted, I still have my disability check, but it's still nowhere near enough to pay all my bills. So, PK offered to pay the bills I can't cover. This totals more than $500. And doesn't include groceries.

I'm lucky that he's doing well enough at his job right now that he can afford to give me that money. But he can't do it every month, and I was talking about not going back to school for at least 6 months. Even if I found a good part time or full time job, it likely wouldn't pay me enough to make it at this point. The economy sucks, and there aren't many spots open for administrative assistants.

I decided to bite the bullet, take some classes that will go towards my Bachelor's, and when the remaining 24 months on my GI Bill are up, I'd just use the Hazelwood Act. It'll only be 6 months, but my tuition and fees will at least be paid. I'm not sure about the books, and that might pose a problem, but I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to get Financial Aid to at least cover the books when the time comes.

So, while I was in the VA liaison's office, the lady's assistant told me that I should apply for the work study program. I gave him my student number for him to give to the Financial Aid Lady, who promptly told him that I wasn't eligible for work study because I'm on Financial Aid suspension. Um, excuse me? I go to school through the VA. Not through Financial Aid. I applied when I first went back to school last summer and was denied. So, I had to talk to the Financial Aid Lady, but the VA Liaison wanted to talk to me when I was done because I had other issues to discuss with her.

I had to fill out a new FAFSA form in order for them to start the appeal process, because I shouldn't be on suspension. They have my completion rate at 65% because I dropped 4 classes when I first went to college 9 years ago. Why did I drop those classes? Because my mother was in a coma and I had to stay home to take care of my infant brother. But apparently, that doesn't matter. Whatever. Bastards.

I went back into the liaison's office, who promptly called the VA office and chewed their asses because I was supposed to receive full payment. She apologized, and I should have the remainder of my check within the next two weeks "but will probably be sooner". Then, she handed me paperwork to fill out so I could do work study... through the VA, not through the Financial Aid office. WOOT! She's so excited about having me work with her - now she has someone to talk to about going to Disney World! ROFL. Seriously, we usually get along really well. Every time I go into her office, we talk for at least 30 minutes to an hour (if no one else is waiting behind me).

I then picked up BabyK, took her to PK's shop so we could bring him lunch and see her dad, then stopped by David's Bridal on the way home. Since we've decided to get married on the beach instead of a boat and we probably won't be getting married until later anyway (I'm going to be really stressed when I start nursing school), I canceled my layaway. I got 60% of what I paid back, and it's going directly into the bank - preferably my savings account.

Today was really busy, errand-wise. I'd planned on coming home and cleaning the house, but that can wait til tomorrow. Well... mostly. I'm doing things like dishes and taking out the trash, but finishing the laundry (which I did 2 loads of already) can wait. I'm tired and would really like to relax. I've been stressing over money and what I'm going to do about work lately, and now that I have less anxiety about it, I'm freaking exhausted.