0038. don't you forget

iTunes: "It's my life" - No Doubt
mood: almost defeated

I have a test on Thursday in Algebra and I have almost no idea what we're doing. Today, I had my first breakthrough. I'm hoping that when I go to tutoring later I'll be able to remember what the fuck we did. I'm hoping even more than when I sit down with my dad I'll be able to remember what the fuck's going on.

I'm so tired that I can barely remember my name at this point. I'm not sleeping well, and even coffee can barely keep me awake. Even when I go to sleep at a decent hour, I don't sleep through the night. I'm going to take my doc's advice and pick up either some Tylenol PM or some Benadryl, which is apparently the same thing, but Tylenol PM has Tylenol in it (which I need for the constant pain I'm in).

I've also been rethinking my career goals. I don't want to be a nurse, and haven't wanted to be one for a while. I love blogging, but don't always have anything interesting to say, which is a big reason why I don't blog here consistently. I don't think y'all want to hear me whining about how much pain I'm always in, how much I hate my job, or always talking about the funny thing Monkey did or said all the time (ok that last one is probably ok - I have a really cute kid). But when I don't get a lot of comments (especially over on MKR, and especially when I'm actively going to other blogs and commenting on theirs, I tend to get a little butthurt and I want to give up).

So, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? The truth is, I don't really know. When I was an administrative assistant, I was really freaking good at it. Sure, there were times I'd get bored and read at work or twitter (when they allowed it - sometimes they blocked the site, the bastards), but sor the most part, I was fucking GREAT at my job.

So the question is... do I go back to that world if the medical jobs and the work-at-home jobs don't pan out? More than likely. I can't live off of disability, as much as I'd like to. I'd love to stay at home, take care of the house work and be a stay at home mom. I'd make Donna Reed look like a trashy trailer house mom (I say that being someone who grew up in a trailer -- granted, my mom always kept a beautiful home and we would bleach everything, literally, once a week, but I digress).

I feel so lost and I hate this! I just want to know what to do with my life. And I want to stop being so fucking tired and in pain all the time.

0017. I lost my iPhone, there's no music

iTunes: none. Can't find my phone & too lazy to pull up the program on the laptop

Mood: tired as fuck

I had stuff to talk about. Lots of stuff. I've been blogging in my head all day. But by the time I got home today (at 7-fucking-PM), I was so tired that I could barely stand long enough to make dinner. Thank God I made sloppy joes for PK & Monkey tonight. Those are super easy and quick to make. After I made grub, I drank my protein shake, took my meds, and laid my head down in PK's lap while he sat on the couch... and promptly fell asleep.

I didn't get to sleep too long. Monkey kept asking for more tater tots and trying to get up from the table, so it wasn't easy to stay asleep. That's ok. I don't need to sleep on the couch. Last time I did, I hurt my neck and the last thing I need is to hurt my neck again.

If you don't read the Twitloss blog, I've started a 2 week cleansing diet called Nu-Lean in conjunction with the Phentermine (appetite suppressant) pills. It's very strict, but it'll clean out my system of toxins and flush out my liver and upper GI tract of all the crap I dump into it. I can only eat a few raw almonds, water-filled vegetables (i.e. cucumber, celery, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, lettuce, cabbage...) and baked chicken or fish (no butter, no salt). I drink a TON of water, take a boatload of vitamins, quick fat burn tablets, and protein shakes. It's only for 2 weeks, but it'll supposedly make me feel better and help me to lose weight faster. I need to get over this stupid 190lb hurdle.

I updated my Kindle with an eARC from one of my absolute most favorite authors (MEGAN HART!) and am now ready to fall flat on my face. I think I'm gonna head to bed in order to prevent breaking my nose or giving myself a black eye. Nini.

0007. you fall away from your past but it's following you

iTunes: The Fray - Fall away
Mood: Tired, but happy

Monkey's first day of Kindergarten was today. When I went to wake her up this morning, she was resistant at first (even grunting at me when I told her it was time to get up), but when I told her it was time to go to her big girl school, she jumped right out of bed and ran to the shower so she could have her hair all nice & curly for her first day of big girl school.

I got her to school early (which is kind of a first for me, since I'm chronically late for everything) and we sat in the parking lot for a minute while I did my makeup and she bounced up and down in the backseat asking if it was time to go inside yet and if she could raid her Tinkerbell lunchkit because she was "starving for cookies". When it was finally time, I took her picture at the entrance of the school and we made our way to her class.

The minute we saw her teacher, she turned into the shy kid she was pretending to be last Friday when I took her to meet her teacher (She actually screamed when the principal tried to get down on his knee -so he was at her level- and shake her hand last week). I took her into the classroom, showed her where she stowed her lunchkit and grabbed her nametag. The kids have to wear a badge with their name and picture on it kind of like I have to at work or the highschool kids do...

To be honest, that kind of weirded me out and made me feel safer at the same time. At least I know that there won't be any random people walking around the school without someone going "Hey, where's your badge and have you checked in at the front office" now. Though... a 5 year old running around a school? Kind of makes me wonder what kind of kidnapper/terrorist they're expecting. I know, I'm a paranoid freak.

Anyway. We got her situated, and she chose to sit in front of a pink jar of play dough at the green table (I don't know why that was significant) and I took more pictures. Then, she fave me the look. You know, the "are you really leaving me here alone?" look.


This is the part where I started crying.

I gave her a big hug and a kiss (ok, several), and made myself leave. I knew that if I didn't leave right at that point, I was going to grab her up and take her with me. But I know that I've got to let my baby girl grow up at some point, and since there's not much I can do about her being 5 and ready for Kindergarten, I sort of have to now. I don't like it, but I'm accepting it. Sort of.
I just keep remembering when I first had her... she was so tiny and small and helpless. totally dependent on me. And now I'm taking her to Kindergarten... I know I've got 12 more years of this stuff, but it feels like I'll be watching her graduate from high school next week. I mean, it sure as hell feels like I just found out I was pregnant with her yesterday, and that was almost 6 years ago!
I know, this is something that every mother goes through. Doesn't make it any easier to watch my little girl start to grow into her own little person. She's got such fire and personality in her. She's truly the best thing that I have ever done in my life, and the best thing to ever happen to me.

I need to go give her a squeeze now, even though it's way past her bed time. Just one little squeeze. She won't even wake up. No, really. I sneak in there for cuddles all the time. She sleeps like a log, but I still get my sleepy baby cuddles.

In other, non mommy-stalker news.... (LOL)

Work went pretty good today. We were busy as hell because it's the last day for registration, but I kept my cool and was level-headed. Even when I was the only work study up there and when my boss had to leave for an hour. I got more than a few compliments on how sweet/nice/polite/professional I was when people were leaving the office. I just think about all the times that I've had to go up there and deal with the unprofessional rude jackasses before (not necessarily in my office - there are other offices around there that I hate going to specifically), and I don't want people walking out of there with a bad taste in their mouths.

So, yeah. Work is going pretty good. It's kind of stressful, but I think I take a lot of that stress onto myself. I only have to work 25 hours a week, but I've already put in more than 80 in the 2 weeks and 1 day that I've been there.

I really enjoy working again, if I want to be completely honest. I don't like the feeling of having nothing to do. And even with all the schoolwork I know I'm going to have, I know that if I need the time off to study, I can take it. I know that if things get too crazy around the house (read: I slack off so much on the housework that it looks like a tornado hit the interior), I can take a day off and clean.

But right now, I don't have to. I'm stacking up hours so that I can take 2 days off during September when PK takes me to New York and still get paid for them. Not to mention the 3 days we'll have off for Thanksgiving, and the nearly 2 weeks we'll have off for Christmas. WOO!

It's late and I'm getting tired. Well, I guess I should say MORE tired, because I've been tired since before I got home. I had every intention of making dinner and going to bed tonight. But the food I made was good, and then PK wanted to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (he fell asleep on the couch about 20 minutes before the end of it). Now, it's getting ready to storm and I'm getting ready to go listen to it.

Good night all. Sweet dreams and all that stuff.