0062. universal healthcare

I don't talk politics or religion. These are the two most polarizing subjects on the planet, and we all know that I don't like confrontation. But PK made me watch the debate tonight, and I happened to be on twitter during that time, so I got to see everyone's responses. Sometimes it pissed me off because people are so clearly biased for one candidate or the other (which is expected - some people are hardline Dems and some are hardline Pubs, and it's hard to change someone's mind with regard to their political affiliation). Some of the things my friends were saying were so rude and against what I believe in, in my political affiliation.... which is funny because I've always sort of identified with both parties, but I digress.

A very large part of tonight's debate had to do with Obamacare (and apparently Obama has grown fond of the term). I've never really been fond of the idea of Obamacare. Granted, when it was first proposed, I was excited about the prospect of getting real healthare at hospitals other than the VA since my current health status prohibits me from getting covered under any private insurance policy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize what a BAD IDEA Obamacare really is.

Before you jump down my throat, let me explain.

Obamacare is universal healthcare. You can go to any doctor, any hospital, whatever, and get care because all insurance companies will be forced to cover EVERYONE. I'm not saying insurance companies covering everyone is a bad thing. Believe me, as someone who's been unable to be covered for the last 10 years by a private company, I think the concept is a good one. BUT I've also had to deal with the kind of care that we'll end up with under Obamacare for the last 10 years.

If you know nothing else about the military, you know that military medical is kind of a big fucking joke. I say this with my Twin being part of the military medical system. But it's true. You go to the doctor, and you get Ibuprofen for everything. Have a headache? 800mg Ibuprofen. Stomach pains? 800mg Ibuprofen. Cut off your arm? 800mg Ibuprofen.

We call it "Vitamin M" in the military. After my car accident last month, the doctor gave me 600mg Ibuprofen and I laughed in his face. Sorry dude, but this won't do shit for me. Not with how much Motrin I've taken over the past 10 years. But I don't want to look like I'm a drug seeker (which is possible these days, since the DEA is looking over everyone's shoulders so much that they won't even give my mom -who NEEDS pain medication to battle her chronic pancreatitis pain and the after effects of TWO botched surgeries..... that's an even longer story and will only serve to piss me off more if I get into it now) so rather than ask for something stronger than 600mg Ibuprofen, I just sit here and suffer through it.

Getting into the doctor either for the military or the VA has become such a process that most of us decide that we're just going to suffer through it. At Lackland, they had same day doctor appointments, but when the appointment line opened at 0800, the appointments for the day were usuallly all taken by 0803 since there were THAT MANY PEOPLE calling in. So the ER was always packed for stupid shit like a cold because they couldn't get in to see a doctor for antibiotics or Nasonex or whatever. At the VA, they don't do same day appointments by phone. You have to go to triage (which is in the ER) and wait for about 5-7 hours on average. Even when you DO have an appointment, you can pretty much guarantee that you're going to be at the VA all day because they're ALWAYS behind. Pack a lunch or make sure you've got money (the food there isn't awful, though I'd much rather have something I made myself at home) because going to the VA is a "process".

Do you honestly think that the American people are going to want to deal with this kind of system? Do you think they're going to want to be just another number? I know that not all civilian doctors are going to be as awesome as my daughter's pediatrician, who sits with us and talks with us about what's going on with her and genuinely cares about what happens to her. I know that they won't all be like my mom's AMAZING doctor, Mary, who kicks off her shoes in the office and talks to my mom for HOURS to make sure she understands her diagnosis, the side effects of whatever medication she's on, or generally just to see how my mom is doing. I'm not under the impression that either continuing or repealing Obamacare is going to make doctors into superstars of patient care. But I do think that it'll turn all healthcare into the bullshit I have to deal with at the VA, and I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy's DOG. Going to the VA induces a panic attack for me. I hate the drive up there (and I only live 30 miles away... there are times when I go there that I meet people from other states since the Houston regional office is apparently the closest VA hospital to them), I hate all the waiting (my appointments usually run 30 minutes to 2 hours late), and I hate the fact that my doctors talk to their computer screens more than they talk to me.

Is Obamacare a good idea? In theory. But I don't think it's going to work. Ou healthcare system is going to be flushed down the toilet and go swirling.

0057. feels like every time i get back on my feet [trouble] come around & knock me down again

iTunes: Trouble - Ray La Montagne

Mood: tired, irritated, frustrated, done

Today wasn't bad. It really wasn't. I slept in a little bit, but still managed to make it to school on time. I was sleepy, but I didn't fall asleep in class. I understood what was going on (for the most part - I have a lot of studying to do this weekend). When we had a tutoring session with the director of the xray program (who is also our Principles of Radiographic Imaging II teacher), I actually understood what was going on. So, the morning wasn't bad I guess.

I had an appointment at the VA today, and driving up there is always crappy because it's a 40 minute drive (one way). I'm already really tired, and long drives tend to put me in a coma so I spend the whole drive up there and back either singing at the top of my lungs or on the phone.

The appointment I had today was for my Well Woman appointment, which is always super fun. They have a special clinic just for us chicks so that we don't have to deal with being around men while we're going to have special girl time, which I like. Unfortunately, I learned today that they're taking this option away and I'll be having my next WW appointment with my Primary Care doctor. I don't like that option so much. See, my doc is a female, but I don't always see her because she's busy. Sometimes I see a resident, and occasionally that resident is a male... and I have PTSD... that doesn't allow me to be comfortable around males (I'm honestly surprised that I'm married). Anyway. When I went into the room for my exam, one of the Primary Care docs was there to "brush up" on his Well Woman technique and I instantly froze up. My hands started shaking and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. My OB/GYN noticed and sent him out while I was changing, but the damage was done. To top it off, there's an issue with my cervix that's sending me to the Gyno specialist.

Really, the appointment wasn't that bad. I've had far worse, I assure you.

I went home after and it was early enough that Monkey was still in school so I took a little (much needed) nap. After I picked her up, she started talking, and didn't stop until I put her to bed 2 minutes ago. PK came home feeling grumpy and crappy and in an all around bad mood. I'm stressing out about money and school and everything else going on in my life. I'm ready to be done with it all and I've got SO MUCH MORE LEFT. I know 4 1/2 semesters may not seem like a lot, but when you're this burned out, it really fucking is.

I took half of a Valium earlier and I hope to God it kicks in soon because I need to not care right now. Or just be chill. Or something. I just need to chill. PK wants me to go into the bedroom and watch the fucking Godfather ("the best movie of all time!") but I don't like it so I'm procrastinating. It's not like I don't have 16,000 other things to do any way, but still. I need to spend time with my husband.

0027. all my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

iTunes: "All I Need" - Within Temptation

Mood: happy

I know it's been a while since I've posted. There are plenty of good reasons for it, namely that I've been working and doing the school thing. Monkey got sick for a while and she took up pretty much all my time & energy (the flu is bad enough, but when it's a 5 year old that's sick... it's awful). My internet had all sorts of issues and I was without internet for a week or so. But mostly, I was too busy with the whole wedded bliss thing.

Yup, you read that right. PK & I got married!

Technically. We filed a Declaration of Informal Marriage, which is common-law marriage. But in Texas, it's as legal as going in front of a judge or a priest, so we're as married as married can get. I hyphenated my last name and we now refer to each other as "husband" and "wife" because we're silly like that.

HAPPY TIMES!!

Speaking of happy times... I've been battling with pretty severe depression for almost my entire life. I've talked about it on the Twitloss blog a lot because it deals with health and weight loss issues, but basically - I'm bipolar. It's not as severe as some other people I know, but it's enough that it does affect me and those around me. It got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore, and I finally broke down and went to Mental Health at the VA (something I put off for 2 years because I was so certain I could handle it).

Turns out, asking for help with something doesn't make you weak, and being bipolar doesn't make you crazy. Amazing, the stuff you learn when you reach out...

Anyway. They put me on some meds to help level my moods out. In the 5 weeks or so I've been on it, I've been sleeping better, I haven't been crying or screaming nearly as much, and I'm generally happier. The one issue I have with it is that I"m hungry all the time. And it's really hard to resist grabbing the puffy Cheetos (which I'm craving BIG TIME). I drink a TON of water because the meds dehydrate me, but also because it helps to curb my appetite... kind of.

I'm secretly terrified that I'm going to gain all the weight I lost back, but as of the last doctor's appointment, I've only gained 1 pound back, and that was during Girl Time, so I'm attributing that pound to water retention.

I've cleaned up the house and it looks nearly model-like again. I just need to get the boxes out of the corner and see about setting up that damned elliptical. I need to jump on it & get the remaining 40 pounds off. If we're going to Italy in the summer, I don't want to look like a beached whale when we hit the private pool at the villa.

Oh, did I forget to mention that part?

We're going to ITALY for TWO WEEKS this summer!!!! We're going with PK's family and a few very close family friends. Monkey's staying home with Nana, so it'll kinda be like a honeymoon. At some point, PK's hoping to take me to Rome for a day or two, just us. I can't wait!!

And in other good news (I'm full of it today, aren't I?) I've been elected president of my college's creative writing club. Kind of exciting, but at the same time kind of scary since I don't know the first thing about running an extra curricular club. But I'm sure it'll be a blast either way.

Guess I'd better get to work. Or pretending to work. :)

0025. I don't know where I am & I don't trust where I've been

iTunes: "Full Moon" - The Black Ghosts

mood: emo & ridiculous

I've been battling with some pretty bad anger issues lately. According to PK, I've been "mean" for the past 4-5 months. While I admit that I've been touchier lately, I don't think that I've been mean. I've still done everything in my power to make sure that he and Monkey are happy while still trying to maintain some semblance of sanity and my own identity, but if they (he) say anything that I construe as "rude" or even slightly off, I immediately flip the bitch switch. And that's not right!

I know he's not always as rude as I feel he's being. He's abrasive sometimes, but he's actually quite a wonderful guy. He works his ass off and takes care of us and he really loves us with all his heart... but it's never enough for me. I'm a selfish greedy bitch and I want more.

I want him to hold my hand, tell me he loves me all the time (without my prompting him first), to be sweet and cuddly and teddy-bearish, and to fucking propose! I want him to tell me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, loving me, and treating me like a queen. I don't think that's so much to ask, is it?

I know he's not the teddy-bear type. He's not smooshy and into public displays of affection and I knew that going in. I was in one of my "I don't want to be touched" phases, so it was fine with me. And sometimes he does let me climb all over him and smooch all over his face, so it's not as though I'm going without affection. He makes me happy and he takes care of me.

And I've completely gone off on a tangent. This is not what I wanted to talk about.

I've been on a rollercoaster lately. One minute I'm up, the next I'm so low that I can see what my downstairs neighbor is doing because I'm through the floor.

I'm downphasing right now and battling the urge to either cry or scream. Monkey was playing in her room (instead of putting on her nightgown like PK told her to do) and she shattered the piggybank I got for her before she was born. Since I got it from a craft store in San Antonio, there's no way I can replace it. And I was already ready to cry, so when I saw that it was the piggybank, I burst into tears. PK was understanding about why I was crying but upset with Monkey for fucking around instead of doing what she was told. I still feel like a dumbshit for bursting into tears over a piggybank.

My doctor put a consult into Mental Health for me, but I don't know when that's going to happen. It's the VA and they're notoriously overworked, understaffed, and slow as hell. Until then, I'll have to figure out a way to keep going.

0003. My words would flow like honey, sweet & laid on thick

iTunes: Katy Perry - Simple
Mood: Hopeful/Optimistic

Money has been a bit of an issue lately. I'm going to school on the GI Bill, and they give us a monthly housing allowance. This month, I only got about 1/3 of that. Granted, I still have my disability check, but it's still nowhere near enough to pay all my bills. So, PK offered to pay the bills I can't cover. This totals more than $500. And doesn't include groceries.

I'm lucky that he's doing well enough at his job right now that he can afford to give me that money. But he can't do it every month, and I was talking about not going back to school for at least 6 months. Even if I found a good part time or full time job, it likely wouldn't pay me enough to make it at this point. The economy sucks, and there aren't many spots open for administrative assistants.

I decided to bite the bullet, take some classes that will go towards my Bachelor's, and when the remaining 24 months on my GI Bill are up, I'd just use the Hazelwood Act. It'll only be 6 months, but my tuition and fees will at least be paid. I'm not sure about the books, and that might pose a problem, but I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to get Financial Aid to at least cover the books when the time comes.

So, while I was in the VA liaison's office, the lady's assistant told me that I should apply for the work study program. I gave him my student number for him to give to the Financial Aid Lady, who promptly told him that I wasn't eligible for work study because I'm on Financial Aid suspension. Um, excuse me? I go to school through the VA. Not through Financial Aid. I applied when I first went back to school last summer and was denied. So, I had to talk to the Financial Aid Lady, but the VA Liaison wanted to talk to me when I was done because I had other issues to discuss with her.

I had to fill out a new FAFSA form in order for them to start the appeal process, because I shouldn't be on suspension. They have my completion rate at 65% because I dropped 4 classes when I first went to college 9 years ago. Why did I drop those classes? Because my mother was in a coma and I had to stay home to take care of my infant brother. But apparently, that doesn't matter. Whatever. Bastards.

I went back into the liaison's office, who promptly called the VA office and chewed their asses because I was supposed to receive full payment. She apologized, and I should have the remainder of my check within the next two weeks "but will probably be sooner". Then, she handed me paperwork to fill out so I could do work study... through the VA, not through the Financial Aid office. WOOT! She's so excited about having me work with her - now she has someone to talk to about going to Disney World! ROFL. Seriously, we usually get along really well. Every time I go into her office, we talk for at least 30 minutes to an hour (if no one else is waiting behind me).

I then picked up BabyK, took her to PK's shop so we could bring him lunch and see her dad, then stopped by David's Bridal on the way home. Since we've decided to get married on the beach instead of a boat and we probably won't be getting married until later anyway (I'm going to be really stressed when I start nursing school), I canceled my layaway. I got 60% of what I paid back, and it's going directly into the bank - preferably my savings account.

Today was really busy, errand-wise. I'd planned on coming home and cleaning the house, but that can wait til tomorrow. Well... mostly. I'm doing things like dishes and taking out the trash, but finishing the laundry (which I did 2 loads of already) can wait. I'm tired and would really like to relax. I've been stressing over money and what I'm going to do about work lately, and now that I have less anxiety about it, I'm freaking exhausted.