0052.

I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it. I have all this anger and frustration and fear and I feel like I'm going to fucking explode but I can't tell anyone about it because everyone has their own shit going on and I can't burden them with it because then they'll topple over and I can't do that to them.

So what do I do?

My psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be Wednesday, but my doctor called me that morning and told me that she had a doctor's appointment and wouldn't make it back to her office by 3:30. She did reschedule my appointment for 12:30 on Friday (tomorrow... technically... sort of), so that's a good thing, because if she would've told me that she didn't have an opening for another two months, I might've found a bridge to jump off of.

I had another dream about school the other night, and I'd say it's starting to freak me out, but obviously I've been freaked out. I'm sick of being freaked out. But last semester was so fucking hard and I don't know that I can deal with another semester like that... not when I don't have the kind of support that I need at home.

God, this sucks.

0035. and it begins again

Summer classes began on Monday. I'm only taking two this time around, so you'd figure less stress. Well, you're partially right. I'm taking Intro to Computers, which is gonna be an incredibly easy class because it's... An introduction to computers. You literally learn all the parts of the computer, what they do, about the Internet, etc. It actually asked ms what a blog is. I shit you not. I'm totally gonna ace that class.

But.

I'm also taking algebra. And I suck at math. I took Tech Math last summer and got a B, so I don't actually need this class bin taking it because I need a class for my GI Bill (my source of income), I have to be in school in order to be a work-study, and I'll need College Algebra for my Bachelor's, so I figured "Why not?" I guess I should've said "No!" and stayed away instead. Or maybe picked another teacher. The one I chose was the one I had for Tech, and I'm pretty sure the only reason I passed Tech was because my dad stayed up til midnight almost every night tutoring me.

Anyway. I had a pretty severe panic attack at work the other day. I've been stressed out and not sleeping very well. My class starts at 7:30, and in order to get Monkey to my mom's in time to get to class on time, I have to wake up at 5:30 so we can walk out the door between 6:40-6:50. I don't normally go to bed til about 11 and I tend to wake up several times a night. Definitely not enough sleep. I walk around like a fucking zombie because I'm always *so* tired.

My psychiatrist recommended that I quit work last semester because I was under so much stress. She was probably right, I probably should have and probably still should, but I can't afford to do that while I'm trying to save up for Italy. Or, y'know, trying to save money, period. We might be comfortable, but we're not exactly rolling in it.

Still, it'd be so nice not to have to worry about going to work. I could just worry about school and the house... Focus more on things I actually want to do (like read and my blog - which I've kind of dropped lately since the people who've volunteered to help me haven't bothered and I feel like I'm fucking drowning with everything else going on in my life) and I'd love it. At least I think I'd love it. Grass is greener, and all that.