0057. feels like every time i get back on my feet [trouble] come around & knock me down again

iTunes: Trouble - Ray La Montagne

Mood: tired, irritated, frustrated, done

Today wasn't bad. It really wasn't. I slept in a little bit, but still managed to make it to school on time. I was sleepy, but I didn't fall asleep in class. I understood what was going on (for the most part - I have a lot of studying to do this weekend). When we had a tutoring session with the director of the xray program (who is also our Principles of Radiographic Imaging II teacher), I actually understood what was going on. So, the morning wasn't bad I guess.

I had an appointment at the VA today, and driving up there is always crappy because it's a 40 minute drive (one way). I'm already really tired, and long drives tend to put me in a coma so I spend the whole drive up there and back either singing at the top of my lungs or on the phone.

The appointment I had today was for my Well Woman appointment, which is always super fun. They have a special clinic just for us chicks so that we don't have to deal with being around men while we're going to have special girl time, which I like. Unfortunately, I learned today that they're taking this option away and I'll be having my next WW appointment with my Primary Care doctor. I don't like that option so much. See, my doc is a female, but I don't always see her because she's busy. Sometimes I see a resident, and occasionally that resident is a male... and I have PTSD... that doesn't allow me to be comfortable around males (I'm honestly surprised that I'm married). Anyway. When I went into the room for my exam, one of the Primary Care docs was there to "brush up" on his Well Woman technique and I instantly froze up. My hands started shaking and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. My OB/GYN noticed and sent him out while I was changing, but the damage was done. To top it off, there's an issue with my cervix that's sending me to the Gyno specialist.

Really, the appointment wasn't that bad. I've had far worse, I assure you.

I went home after and it was early enough that Monkey was still in school so I took a little (much needed) nap. After I picked her up, she started talking, and didn't stop until I put her to bed 2 minutes ago. PK came home feeling grumpy and crappy and in an all around bad mood. I'm stressing out about money and school and everything else going on in my life. I'm ready to be done with it all and I've got SO MUCH MORE LEFT. I know 4 1/2 semesters may not seem like a lot, but when you're this burned out, it really fucking is.

I took half of a Valium earlier and I hope to God it kicks in soon because I need to not care right now. Or just be chill. Or something. I just need to chill. PK wants me to go into the bedroom and watch the fucking Godfather ("the best movie of all time!") but I don't like it so I'm procrastinating. It's not like I don't have 16,000 other things to do any way, but still. I need to spend time with my husband.

0031. i wanna be a billionaire so freakin' bad

I'm talking to a friend in IM right now about the whole Ditto situation (see my previous post if you have no idea what I'm talking about). Because it's basically a straight copy/paste from an IM conversation, it might not flow as good as you're used to when I ramble... ok, it's exactly what you're used to when I ramble. But here is the end of the tale. (see what I did there? Tale/tail... nevermind)

The vet wanted to charge us $840. In addition to the $333 I already paid, it'd be $1173, which we're definitely not willing to pay.

We went in the back to talk to the dr & we told him that we felt like he basically held Ditto for ransom because we kept asking how much it was and they never would tell us. That hurt the doc's feelings so he said he'd knock an additional $250 off (he already gave us a 25% discount, which was $300 off - that's how much work they did on him). PK SAID NO!

He told Doc that he knew a lot of time & work was put in, so how about $125 instead. Doc said no, he fucked up, so he'd meet in the middle & $175 has been knocked off. It's now $665, which is more manageable since we're splitting it, but still. If they would've given us regular financial updates, he would've been put down $600 ago.

PK added everything up (including the $333 I paid last week), divided it in half and subtracted what I already paid. My "half" is $166, but that leaves him with $499 and that's an awful big ass chunk out of the money he's saved for Italy. I'm going to go ahead & pay half of the current total because I'm a good wife.

He didn't want the doc to think that we're all about the money (sorry, but in this instance, we are - we're trying to save money for Italy & he's WAY BEHIND ON SAVING) We can actually afford to pay the entire thing without any money being knocked off. I just don't want to. Like I said. Saving for Italy. I'd like to have AT LEAST $1000 saved up, but I'd prefer to have $2000.

The doctor knew he'd fucked up by not keeping us in the loop even though we asked every day about the current price on Ditto's treatment. That's why he knocked off 25% and then offered to knock off the additional $250.

PK wasn't pissed because it cost so much. He knew that having a cat in the hospital for 7 days wasn't going to be cheap. He was pissed off about the fact that they didn't tell us when they were doing something or let us know every day when we asked them what the total was.

Wednesday, when I talked to the chick dr, I was of the understanding that it'd be around $300 if Ditto came home on Friday. They kept him over the weekend and suddenly it's over a grand? Seriously?! I get that they saved his life, but $1173? SERIOUSLY??

They saved his life because he had a severe bacterial infection in his bladder. He had "sand" (crystals) in his bladder that ended up stopping him up completely. He couldn't pee at all, his bladder filled up and nearly burst (which is why he was screaming, couldn't get comfortable, & threw up - he was in that much pain). After they put a catheter in and drained his bladder, they did blood work and noticed that his kidneys were failing. if they hadn't done everything they did, he would have died.

Supposedly he's not going to pee everywhere anymore. We have to keep an eye on him to make sure he's actually peeing because there's a chance he'll stop up again. We have to change his diet (wet food only now - dry food isn't actually good for cats because there's so many carbs in it & they need protein, not carbs) & medicate him... although that's for an entirely different reason.

Ditto chases/attacks his tail. Seriously. He attacks that thing like it slapped his Momma. He growls at it & bites it and all sorts of other weirdness. We used to just laugh at him, but when we brought it up with the doc, she said it might he hyper sensitivity or hallucinations. The other doc (the owner of the clinic) checked him out and apparently Ditto suffers from mild seizures. He'll be on liquid phenobarbitol for the rest of his life.

He's now resting comfortably in my closet and I imagine when I go lay down he'll end up laying down with me (he's all cuddly now that I'm being nice to him). It's nice not having an insane cat who pees everywhere. Hopefully it lasts.

0030. I need no soft lights to enchant me

iTunes: The Nearness of You - Norah Jones

Mood: tired/exhausted/overworked/underpaid...

I took Ditto to the vet last week because I was tired of him peeing everywhere. I was hoping it was a medical thing so we could give him a few pills or get him a shot and he'd be over it. Well, PK was right that it was medical, but I was wrong that it'd be a quick fix. They diagnosed him with a bacterial infection in his bladder and "probably some kind of kitty mental issue where he hallucinates, and that's why he chases his tail everywhere... that, or he's super sensitive to everything around him and he's responding to that" (gotta love how exact medicine is). He's been at the kitty hospital since last Tuesday, when he threw up on my couch and FREAKED OUT because he was in so much pain. Whatever they gave him stopped him up and he couldn't pee at all! The day after he was admitted, they told me that his fucking kidneys had shut down! He's doing better now, but what the fuck did they give him??? He was FINE except for peeing on the bathroom floor & sometimes the bed. Now his bladder is so bad that he needs a fucking catheter and his kidneys are shutting down???? Something's seriously weird about this whole thing....

I've been on the phone with the vet every day since he was admitted. I ask how he's doing (because even though I'm mad at him for peeing everywhere, I feel bad for him and I realize that he's really a sweet kitty when he's not hurting) and then I ask how much the bill is, because I know keeping a cat hospitalized isn't cheap. They haven't told me how much it is. The last time I had a real solid number ($300) was Wednesday. I kept asking, because PK set a limit of $500. They kept telling me that the doctor hadn't put the notes into the computer yet, so they weren't sure and the doctor would call later to give me a medical and financial update on the cat. I got the medical update, but not the financial update. Saturday, when the doctor finally gave me a total... $830. In addition to the $333 I paid on Monday for "a routine visit that costs $100", the total is now $1163. And even better: the fucking vet hasn't called me back yet, the clinic closed at 6:00, and now there's an additional day of hospitalization to worry about (which is $55 per day).

Oh crap, I realized that there are 2 additional days tacked on to that $1163, because I spoke to him on Saturday. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm sorry, I love Ditto, but there is no cat in this entire world that's worth $1273 (plus whatever medical crap they had to do to him since Saturday).

There goes every bit of money I saved for Italy. FUCK! I feel like they kidnapped my cat, performed all kinds of procedures on him THAT I DID NOT AUTHORIZE (like the x-ray on Monday that cost $106 and was completely unnecessary), and are now holding him for ransom. I'm wondering if I can tell them I'll pay them the $500 I planned on and they can fuck themselves on the rest.

0003. My words would flow like honey, sweet & laid on thick

iTunes: Katy Perry - Simple
Mood: Hopeful/Optimistic

Money has been a bit of an issue lately. I'm going to school on the GI Bill, and they give us a monthly housing allowance. This month, I only got about 1/3 of that. Granted, I still have my disability check, but it's still nowhere near enough to pay all my bills. So, PK offered to pay the bills I can't cover. This totals more than $500. And doesn't include groceries.

I'm lucky that he's doing well enough at his job right now that he can afford to give me that money. But he can't do it every month, and I was talking about not going back to school for at least 6 months. Even if I found a good part time or full time job, it likely wouldn't pay me enough to make it at this point. The economy sucks, and there aren't many spots open for administrative assistants.

I decided to bite the bullet, take some classes that will go towards my Bachelor's, and when the remaining 24 months on my GI Bill are up, I'd just use the Hazelwood Act. It'll only be 6 months, but my tuition and fees will at least be paid. I'm not sure about the books, and that might pose a problem, but I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to get Financial Aid to at least cover the books when the time comes.

So, while I was in the VA liaison's office, the lady's assistant told me that I should apply for the work study program. I gave him my student number for him to give to the Financial Aid Lady, who promptly told him that I wasn't eligible for work study because I'm on Financial Aid suspension. Um, excuse me? I go to school through the VA. Not through Financial Aid. I applied when I first went back to school last summer and was denied. So, I had to talk to the Financial Aid Lady, but the VA Liaison wanted to talk to me when I was done because I had other issues to discuss with her.

I had to fill out a new FAFSA form in order for them to start the appeal process, because I shouldn't be on suspension. They have my completion rate at 65% because I dropped 4 classes when I first went to college 9 years ago. Why did I drop those classes? Because my mother was in a coma and I had to stay home to take care of my infant brother. But apparently, that doesn't matter. Whatever. Bastards.

I went back into the liaison's office, who promptly called the VA office and chewed their asses because I was supposed to receive full payment. She apologized, and I should have the remainder of my check within the next two weeks "but will probably be sooner". Then, she handed me paperwork to fill out so I could do work study... through the VA, not through the Financial Aid office. WOOT! She's so excited about having me work with her - now she has someone to talk to about going to Disney World! ROFL. Seriously, we usually get along really well. Every time I go into her office, we talk for at least 30 minutes to an hour (if no one else is waiting behind me).

I then picked up BabyK, took her to PK's shop so we could bring him lunch and see her dad, then stopped by David's Bridal on the way home. Since we've decided to get married on the beach instead of a boat and we probably won't be getting married until later anyway (I'm going to be really stressed when I start nursing school), I canceled my layaway. I got 60% of what I paid back, and it's going directly into the bank - preferably my savings account.

Today was really busy, errand-wise. I'd planned on coming home and cleaning the house, but that can wait til tomorrow. Well... mostly. I'm doing things like dishes and taking out the trash, but finishing the laundry (which I did 2 loads of already) can wait. I'm tired and would really like to relax. I've been stressing over money and what I'm going to do about work lately, and now that I have less anxiety about it, I'm freaking exhausted.