0062. universal healthcare

I don't talk politics or religion. These are the two most polarizing subjects on the planet, and we all know that I don't like confrontation. But PK made me watch the debate tonight, and I happened to be on twitter during that time, so I got to see everyone's responses. Sometimes it pissed me off because people are so clearly biased for one candidate or the other (which is expected - some people are hardline Dems and some are hardline Pubs, and it's hard to change someone's mind with regard to their political affiliation). Some of the things my friends were saying were so rude and against what I believe in, in my political affiliation.... which is funny because I've always sort of identified with both parties, but I digress.

A very large part of tonight's debate had to do with Obamacare (and apparently Obama has grown fond of the term). I've never really been fond of the idea of Obamacare. Granted, when it was first proposed, I was excited about the prospect of getting real healthare at hospitals other than the VA since my current health status prohibits me from getting covered under any private insurance policy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize what a BAD IDEA Obamacare really is.

Before you jump down my throat, let me explain.

Obamacare is universal healthcare. You can go to any doctor, any hospital, whatever, and get care because all insurance companies will be forced to cover EVERYONE. I'm not saying insurance companies covering everyone is a bad thing. Believe me, as someone who's been unable to be covered for the last 10 years by a private company, I think the concept is a good one. BUT I've also had to deal with the kind of care that we'll end up with under Obamacare for the last 10 years.

If you know nothing else about the military, you know that military medical is kind of a big fucking joke. I say this with my Twin being part of the military medical system. But it's true. You go to the doctor, and you get Ibuprofen for everything. Have a headache? 800mg Ibuprofen. Stomach pains? 800mg Ibuprofen. Cut off your arm? 800mg Ibuprofen.

We call it "Vitamin M" in the military. After my car accident last month, the doctor gave me 600mg Ibuprofen and I laughed in his face. Sorry dude, but this won't do shit for me. Not with how much Motrin I've taken over the past 10 years. But I don't want to look like I'm a drug seeker (which is possible these days, since the DEA is looking over everyone's shoulders so much that they won't even give my mom -who NEEDS pain medication to battle her chronic pancreatitis pain and the after effects of TWO botched surgeries..... that's an even longer story and will only serve to piss me off more if I get into it now) so rather than ask for something stronger than 600mg Ibuprofen, I just sit here and suffer through it.

Getting into the doctor either for the military or the VA has become such a process that most of us decide that we're just going to suffer through it. At Lackland, they had same day doctor appointments, but when the appointment line opened at 0800, the appointments for the day were usuallly all taken by 0803 since there were THAT MANY PEOPLE calling in. So the ER was always packed for stupid shit like a cold because they couldn't get in to see a doctor for antibiotics or Nasonex or whatever. At the VA, they don't do same day appointments by phone. You have to go to triage (which is in the ER) and wait for about 5-7 hours on average. Even when you DO have an appointment, you can pretty much guarantee that you're going to be at the VA all day because they're ALWAYS behind. Pack a lunch or make sure you've got money (the food there isn't awful, though I'd much rather have something I made myself at home) because going to the VA is a "process".

Do you honestly think that the American people are going to want to deal with this kind of system? Do you think they're going to want to be just another number? I know that not all civilian doctors are going to be as awesome as my daughter's pediatrician, who sits with us and talks with us about what's going on with her and genuinely cares about what happens to her. I know that they won't all be like my mom's AMAZING doctor, Mary, who kicks off her shoes in the office and talks to my mom for HOURS to make sure she understands her diagnosis, the side effects of whatever medication she's on, or generally just to see how my mom is doing. I'm not under the impression that either continuing or repealing Obamacare is going to make doctors into superstars of patient care. But I do think that it'll turn all healthcare into the bullshit I have to deal with at the VA, and I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy's DOG. Going to the VA induces a panic attack for me. I hate the drive up there (and I only live 30 miles away... there are times when I go there that I meet people from other states since the Houston regional office is apparently the closest VA hospital to them), I hate all the waiting (my appointments usually run 30 minutes to 2 hours late), and I hate the fact that my doctors talk to their computer screens more than they talk to me.

Is Obamacare a good idea? In theory. But I don't think it's going to work. Ou healthcare system is going to be flushed down the toilet and go swirling.

0061. it turns out I am my mother's daughter

My grandmother used to tell me a story about how my mom would call her sobbing because something happened to someone. My mom would be crying so hysterically that Grams was certain something had happened to my dad (this was before they got divorced, obviously). When she finally got my mom to calm down enough so that she could understand what Mom was saying, she asked "Who the hell are you talking about?" to which my mom would tearfully shout at Grams "Pay attention! It's Luke and Laura from General Hospital!" (or something to that effect) Of course, my Grams would get frustrated and hang up the phone with a growl. Grams didn't watch soaps. Well, daytime soaps, anyway.

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT LAST SEASON'S GREY'S ANATOMY SEASON FINALE AND THIS SEASON'S PREMIERE. IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED YET, GO HERE AND WATCH NOW.

I've always been a pretty emotional person. I told someone the other day on Twitter... or Facebook... I can't really remember which social platform it was. I'm on so many. *G* Anyway, I said that the first 5 seasons of Grey's Anatomy were so depressing that I actually wanted to jump off a cliff when I was watching. Especially when Meredith drowned. Jimminy Christmas, that was depressing. But now that Meredith and Derek are all happily married and stuff, the show's gotten better.

Sort of.

Lexie died in last season's finale. And of course, I cried. But when I finally managed to watch this week's season premiere, I found myself hysterically sobbing. If my Grams had been alive, I probably would have called her just so she could grunt and hang up on me too. For old times' sake, ya know? Watching them pull the plug on Mark Sloan just about killed me. Yes, he gets to be with Lexie, but he died. And that fucking sucks.

I know that he's not real, but I have to let it out so bear with me.

I have a lot going on in my life. School, family, etc. So, I watch these shows (and read these books) to let myself forget about everything that's going on. It's like stress relief, despite the fact that I get overly attached to the characters. I get to be involved in someone else's drama for a while, and I'm happier for it. That's pretty much how I feel about books too. And one of the reasons that I love trilogies and series so much. Because I get invested in characters and I get to see what happens "after the sunset", as it were.

So, after I finished sobbing my eyes out, I decided I'd go ahead and watch the last two episodes of Saving Hope online, since NBC was retarded and pulled the plug on a fantastic show. I figured it'd be good, since I knew that Charlie was going to wake up. How much could do wrong?

You know when that sentence is said, it only spells doom for the person saying it, right?

So here I am, crying again over a fictional character. I'd say that I need help, but this is my own form of therapy. I don't cry much in my real life. I don't like showing any kind of weakness. I've always had to be the "strong" one. And I hate being the "strong" one. I'm not strong. But since I stepped into that role without realizing it at three years old, I'm pretty much stuck in that role. Crying over these pretend people is cathartic to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the seasons premiere of Once Upon A Time is tonight and I need to stock up on Kleenex.

0060. Is it August 2013 yet?

So. I'm watching/reading some college commencement speeches after seeing a tweet saying something like "Sorry kids, you're not special." (I tend to look at the more controversial tweets for some reason. Call me crazy?)

There were links to other commencement speeches given by other people. One of them was one by Steve Jobs at Stanford in 2005. Here's part of it:

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to Heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition ... Stay hungry, Stay foolish."

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick," said Jobs. "Don't lose faith."

Why am I looking through commencement speeches when I don't graduate until August of 2013? Mostly because I wanted to know what the guy who was telling the kids they weren't special was saying (and I agree with him... to a point... for his full speech, check out the YouTube video below) but I also am fairly desperate to see my own commencement speech. I've been in school since summer of 2009. I still haven't received my Associate's degree, not for lack of trying, that's for sure. No, I have enough credits to have my AA in General Studies. But I refuse to apply for an AA in General Studies when I'm going for my degree in Medical Imaging. And even though I still have a year left and I'm so burned out that I dread going to school every day, I AM DETERMINED TO FINISH.

It's getting late, and for once I don't have to stay up all night studying or doing laundry for tomorrow. I'm going to lay down and hope that I fall asleep quickly. Insomnia has set in lately and I'm not a fan of being exhausted during the day.

0059. marriage

"I had my 17th wedding anniversary this year... I feel very lucky, and I love being married... But, I felt married to him before we got married. I mean, the commitment that I made to him was a commitment we made two people in a room alone. It was great to kind of consecrate it with other people there and celebrate it. But the commitment was made between him and me and I feel like there are people who get married for the party, there are people who get married for the tradition. Marriage is not the party, marriage is not the dress. Marriage is every day waking up with this person, not choking them to death in their sleep... people always say 'how did you guys make it this long?' and I'm like look it's not rocket science. Just be kind. People are nice to everybody in the street and they're the worst to the people they have to lie down with every night. Save your best behavior for your husband and your wife. You know, be nice to the people who can poison your food, that's what I'm saying." (Aisha Tyler - The Talk)

0058. I'm tired and irritated.

I've had so much going on in the past few weeks that I haven't had time to do much else besides... well, everything that I've had to do. School has been keeping me so busy that I want to cry. Literally. I have 4 exams when I get back from Spring Break next week. I had 1 exam the week before. I have exams at clinicals any time a good patient walks through the door and my fellow classmates don't snatch up the paperwork first. And it's ALWAYS LIKE THIS. It seems like the minute we're done with a round of exams, we're starting on another. I'm stressing so bad over school that my hair is starting to fall out (more of it is coming out while I'm in the shower than what I'm used to and it's kind of freaking me out, if I'm honest). I had my first fever blister in well over a year, which I only get when I'm stressed and/or not sleeping, so that should give you some idea of how things are going on the stress level.

And speaking of stress. I know PK doesn't like me talking about him online, but this is my personal journal, and this is where I go to vent. Surprisingly, this time I'm not actually venting about him, so much as because of him (if that makes sense?) He's been working his ass off. He goes in early and doesn't get home until after 8:00 most nights. There have been several nights that he's gotten home well after Monkey has gone to bed (at 8:30) and he usually goes immediately to bed himself because he's so exhausted. He's been working himself into the freaking ground, and I've slowly been getting more and more worried about him because on the rare occasion that he is home, all he ever wants to do is sleep. Which, don't get me wrong, I totally understand why. He's working hard. He's stressed because of everything he has to do at work (which I won't discuss here, because that's his business and not mine). I've been trying to get him to relax a little more, eat healthier, maybe even try to get up and walk (if not exercise outright), because he has a pre-existing heart condition. Even with that, it still didn't cross my mind that he'd call me while I was in class 2 weeks ago to tell me he that he thought he was having a heart attack and to come get him so that I could take him to the ER. I was all for calling an ambulance, but Mr Stubborn Ass decided he'd work for another hour or so and then drive his stupid ass home so that we could leave his car at the house. For that alone, I might have to beat him senseless. I finally managed to get him to the ER, and he ended up spending the entire weekend in the hospital. I somehow managed to not be in the room every time the doctor came in (usually getting Monkey from my mom's house so she could visit with her dad - the doctor kept really strange hours), so I never really got the straight facts on what was going on. PK has a way of hiding things from me so that I don't completely freak out. He won't outright admit it to me, but it was a minor heart attack. He's now taking steps to reduce stress (he's been coming home at 6:00 and we've actually been getting along better than ever), he's playing with Monkey outside, he's helping me fix up the house... But he's still got all this other stuff stressing him out and I don't know how to help him. I want to take all the outside stress in his life and just make it go away. If I have to see my husband in the hospital again because his stress level went through the roof and his heart couldn't handle it... well, I might end up going postal, because my stress level can't handle it. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. We're talking about the possibility of having a baby once I'm done with school. I'd like the chance for a few more anniversaries and maybe a babyKitty of our own.

And now that I've completely depressed myself. Let me rile myself back up for a minute before I run off to make dinner.

I've been busting my ass for the past three days to clean my house top to bottom, organizing every room in the house (including the rooms we haven't unpacked yet because PK has to build bookshelves for my library and office, as well as get a new desk since the one we currently have it TINY, and bring the bed over from the old condo/storage unit so that we can properly set up the guest bedroom, and put up shelves in Monkey's room and hang her TV on the wall so that she has more room to play), doing all the laundry, scrubbing bathrooms and the kitchen and whatever else I could find to scrub with BLEACH (it smells clean and fresh and all that) because it's Spring Break and my mom and 3 of my aunts were coming over either tomorrow or Friday for lunch. I finally got in touch with the aunt we all consider the "matriarch" of the family, and she tells me "Stop cleaning!" (I'd texted her to tell her I was cleaning up the house and I was going to head to the store later) Then she tells me that another one of my aunts doesn't want to come this week because her grandkids (who live with her) are on Spring Break, and she wants to wait to have lunch until they're back in school.... Except the only reason I'm able to have lunch with them in the first place is because I'm on Spring Break! Apparently they've all forgotten that I'm a full time student and in school ALL THE FREAKING TIME. And when I'm not in school, I'm at study group or at clinicals. And hello? Since when do I not have a kid with a room full of toys and a TV and a backyard and a front yard with other kids their age? I mean seriously! My mom knew I was cleaning the shit out of my house. My uncle knew I was cleaning the shit out of my house. My aunt surely knew, because I go insane every time she comes over (remember the part where she's the matriarch of our family?) but I haven't been able to talk to her because every time I call her she's unavailable and she never freaking calls me back!!! I'm irritated, and to be quite honest, I'm a little bit hurt.

I have to go make dinner for the Monkey now. She's bitching at me that she's starving, despite the fact that she's eaten almost everything I have in the pantry today. She must be hitting another growth spurt.

0057. feels like every time i get back on my feet [trouble] come around & knock me down again

iTunes: Trouble - Ray La Montagne

Mood: tired, irritated, frustrated, done

Today wasn't bad. It really wasn't. I slept in a little bit, but still managed to make it to school on time. I was sleepy, but I didn't fall asleep in class. I understood what was going on (for the most part - I have a lot of studying to do this weekend). When we had a tutoring session with the director of the xray program (who is also our Principles of Radiographic Imaging II teacher), I actually understood what was going on. So, the morning wasn't bad I guess.

I had an appointment at the VA today, and driving up there is always crappy because it's a 40 minute drive (one way). I'm already really tired, and long drives tend to put me in a coma so I spend the whole drive up there and back either singing at the top of my lungs or on the phone.

The appointment I had today was for my Well Woman appointment, which is always super fun. They have a special clinic just for us chicks so that we don't have to deal with being around men while we're going to have special girl time, which I like. Unfortunately, I learned today that they're taking this option away and I'll be having my next WW appointment with my Primary Care doctor. I don't like that option so much. See, my doc is a female, but I don't always see her because she's busy. Sometimes I see a resident, and occasionally that resident is a male... and I have PTSD... that doesn't allow me to be comfortable around males (I'm honestly surprised that I'm married). Anyway. When I went into the room for my exam, one of the Primary Care docs was there to "brush up" on his Well Woman technique and I instantly froze up. My hands started shaking and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. My OB/GYN noticed and sent him out while I was changing, but the damage was done. To top it off, there's an issue with my cervix that's sending me to the Gyno specialist.

Really, the appointment wasn't that bad. I've had far worse, I assure you.

I went home after and it was early enough that Monkey was still in school so I took a little (much needed) nap. After I picked her up, she started talking, and didn't stop until I put her to bed 2 minutes ago. PK came home feeling grumpy and crappy and in an all around bad mood. I'm stressing out about money and school and everything else going on in my life. I'm ready to be done with it all and I've got SO MUCH MORE LEFT. I know 4 1/2 semesters may not seem like a lot, but when you're this burned out, it really fucking is.

I took half of a Valium earlier and I hope to God it kicks in soon because I need to not care right now. Or just be chill. Or something. I just need to chill. PK wants me to go into the bedroom and watch the fucking Godfather ("the best movie of all time!") but I don't like it so I'm procrastinating. It's not like I don't have 16,000 other things to do any way, but still. I need to spend time with my husband.

0056. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and Sam's sister has Bipolar Disorder. Her case is a lot more severe than mine is, but either way it's not easy. I keep thinking that I'm one of the more "normal" cases. My case is on the mild side - I'm relatively functional most days, but I walk on a thin line between "normal" and falling into a pit of depression so deep I never know if I'm going to crawl out again. And then there are the "high" days. The days when I don't sleep because I have so much to do and I know that I'm the only one who can get it done because if anyone else does it, it'll be wrong (thank you, OCD).

It's taken me a long time to admit it, but I'm sick. And I'm still coming to grips with that fact. I've been on my mom for years about staying on her meds, because her Bipolar Disorder is far worse than mine is, but I continuously fuck mine up. I did it again in the past few weeks, because I've been so depressed that I just can't bring myself to even get my meds out from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and put them in my little pill holder. Yes, I have a pill holder - for both my AM and PM pills, because I take that many. 8 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Good GOD, I take a lot of medicine. But according to the doctor, I need them all. But I HATE TAKING THEM.

My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. And I'm fucking sick & tired of being fucking sick & tired.

0055. gimme gimme

(Normal x-ray markers)

We were looking at x-ray markers today at the hospital because one of the techs was hired on full time and one of the other techs wanted to get her a present. So, we found some right and left markers that fit her personality (they have skull and crossbones above the R and L and her initials), but while we were searching, I found a website that had a ton of markers that I'd punch a nun for. They're seriously SO CUTE!!

So, obviously I can't use all of the markers, but I still want all the sets. Maybe I can keep a couple different ones on me and use one for adults and one for kids and just switch out every other day. But it'll have to wait until I have a regular tech job and until I have a regular paycheck coming in, because even though I have disability and the GI Bill, it's not necessarily guaranteed. This month, I was short 2 week's worth of a paycheck because I wasn't in school for that amount of time (fucking break) and they no longer pay breaks (fucking Obama) so now I'm fucked (FUCK). Anyway.

I applied to be a cashier at HEB today. I gave my availability as Wednesday afternoons, Friday afternoons, all day Saturday, and Sunday afternoons (so that I don't miss church). It's going to cut into my blogging and my study time, but I need the money. I'm going to have to let them know that I need time off for my SIL's wedding and for AAD, and if they have issues with that then I'll just have to not accept the job (if I get it to begin with that is). One of the girls that's in the program with me works there and she says that they're pretty good about working with people who are going to college. And they pay fairly decently considering minimum wage is like $7.30 an hour or some shit. I think they pay around $8 an hour or maybe even a little more than that. As long as I'm not paying to work there by using up a shit ton of gas by driving there, we're all good.

Wish me luck.

I'm gonna go hang out with PK now. It's our anniversary today and I figure it'd be nice to actually spend time with him tonight (for once, lol)

0054. confused and irritated

iTunes: none - watching Big Bang Theory

Mood: confused, irritated, sad, and yet still have a bit of happy thrown in there.

So I'll start out with the bad and go to the good.

First: PK's out of town on business. This makes me sad. Why? Well, he's my husband and I love him, for one. And sleeping without him next to me isn't easy. For whatever reason, I've become used to the chainsaw buzzing that is his snoring, and it's even soothing to me. I know, I'm weird. I am happy that he went to this conference, because it means more opportunities for him at work (which will hopefully lead to him getting a nice raise, lol) and it means more contacts in his industry. So, I know that this trip will be good for him, business-wise, but personally.... it sucks. I miss my PK.

I'm confused and irritated because of stuff that happened in school. See, there's this guy in my class from last semester, who suddenly stopped talking to me. Like, flat out refused to talk to me. I never knew what it was that I did, but there were times when he was just plain RUDE to me in his desire to avoid speaking to me. I've always been nice to him, because I'm usually pretty nice to everyone. I don't like confrontation, so in an effort to avoid it, I'm a nice as I can be to everyone. Anyway. One of my friends from clinic this semester is in lab with this guy. My friend told me that the guy was talking to another girl in our class, one who I thought I was at least on acquaintance terms with, if not friendly, but I guess I was wrong... the guy was telling the girl that I'm crazy and rude and so my friend asks why they think that. The guy says that he doesn't like me because I'm "bipolar and psycho" and he asks the other girl (who is in my classes with me - the guy and my friend are in the other group of students, so we don't have classes together... it's a little confusing, I know) if I'm "as bad as [I] was last semester", and she actually said I was worse! I'm so confused, because I don't really talk much in class, if ever. I have a paralyzing fear that whatever I say will be wrong. When my friend stepped in to defend me, telling them that I'm nice, they told her that she must be a psycho too.

What the fuck?? How dare they pick on me about the fact that I'm bipolar. No, I don't try to hide it. I'm proud of the fact that I've got my issues under control. I'm medicated and staying that way. I'm going to therapy. At least I'm trying to work through my shit. Most people ignore it until it's a big fucking problem and it destroys them or someone else. So why am I psycho for it? I think I'm actually the opposite of psycho, thank you very little. And how the fuck am I rude??? I'm all peaches and cream, smiling and shit at school. At home might be a little different (I once told my BFF that I used up all my nice during the day at school, and at one point I thought I might've been serious about it)

I shouldn't worry so much about it. It's just drama I don't need and I really did have a good day today. I shot a lot of x-rays today and had some really awesome patients. I did see my first trauma though, which was... well, it was kind of traumatic, actually. I can't talk about the specifics of my patients' cases, but the trauma I saw today was an attempted suicide. Look like the patient will be ok, but it was so heart-breaking to see.

I also shot my first pediatric x-rays today... three different pediatric patients, actually! My first one was a little girl who needed a chest and 2 abdomen x-rays. She was younger than Monkey and so quiet. She just stood there, stock-still, and staring up at us. I gave her stickers because she was such a great patient. My next two pediatric patients were just as awesome. And they weren't my only good patients - I had several older patients (ok, everyone's older than the pediatric patients, lol) who were just fantastic.

So really, other than finding out about the two assholes in my class, I had a really good day. And I'm not going to let them bring me down. This is going to be a good semester, dammit! :)

0053. fill me up and make me whole again

Like any teenager, I had struggles with my faith, but after that initial "I'm not sure..." I've been very strong in my devotion to God. I haven't gone to church in three years, but I've always let people in my life know where my heart lies.

Except.

Lately, I've felt an emptiness that listening to KSBJ and saying a quick little prayer just doesn't fill (and keep filled) anymore.

I know that I'm battling with a bout of depression that's battling on mania. I don't want to slip back into a downphase. I screwed up on my meds when we moved because it got packed accidentally and it took me a while to adjust to being here... lame excuses for not taking my very important medication, I know, but there it is. I messed up, and now I'm battling a downphase. I'm battling with all my might.

This is a bit of a long story, so bear with me.

While I was working for the VA, I knew a girl (a fellow veteran) who was trying to get into the nursing program. She was nice and has a son who is Monkey's age. I found out that she lived (literally) right down the street from me, so we exchanged phone numbers with the thought that maybe the kids could play together. I never called her because I'm lame and have mild agoraphobia. My comfort zone is my house, so logically I could've asked them to come to my place, but PK's weird and doesn't like people that he doesn't know at the house, even if I know them. Makes things a little difficult when I need to study.

Anyway. I later had a class with this girl, and we became friends. We renewed out interest in getting the kids together, but as the class progressed, I became more stressed out because the class was so difficult. I later ended up dropping the class (sort of - long story) but before I left, I handed her an invite to Monkey's birthday party for her son. They didn't show, and I assumed we'd never see each other again.

Fast forward to last semester. I'm in my x-ray classes, and one day while I'm in the halls between classes (it's in the Health Sciences building), who should I run into but my friend! She made it into the nursing program! We see each other in the hallway often, but we never get to talk more often than "Hi, how are you doing? Classes are really hard. I've got to go to my next class. Hope the family's doing well. See you later."

After the semester and my mini-semester were both over, I ran into my friend at the bank. We talked for a few minutes, laughing because we'd never seen each other in the three years we'd lived there and been banking there, but suddenly we were seeing each other everywhere.

Two days later, we ran into each other at the store. I was on the phone with my mom and I was talking to her about how stressed out I've been feeling. My friend laughed and said, "Man! We never saw each other before and now we can't seem to stop running into each other!" I laughed and said, "Maybe God's trying to tell us something." She said, "Do you want to go to church with me?" I immediately stopped laughing, my eyes started tearing up, and I said, "Yes, I really do."

It's absolutely amazing to me how God works in our lives. MD and I knew each other through the VA, then school, and the possibility of getting our kids together. But ultimately, I think God put her in my life to get me back into church - something I've been needing for a long time. My heart is full of love for my daughter and my husband, but I need the spiritual fulfillment as well.

I'm so excited to go to church on Sunday!

0052.

I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it. I have all this anger and frustration and fear and I feel like I'm going to fucking explode but I can't tell anyone about it because everyone has their own shit going on and I can't burden them with it because then they'll topple over and I can't do that to them.

So what do I do?

My psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be Wednesday, but my doctor called me that morning and told me that she had a doctor's appointment and wouldn't make it back to her office by 3:30. She did reschedule my appointment for 12:30 on Friday (tomorrow... technically... sort of), so that's a good thing, because if she would've told me that she didn't have an opening for another two months, I might've found a bridge to jump off of.

I had another dream about school the other night, and I'd say it's starting to freak me out, but obviously I've been freaked out. I'm sick of being freaked out. But last semester was so fucking hard and I don't know that I can deal with another semester like that... not when I don't have the kind of support that I need at home.

God, this sucks.

0051. 6 feet from the edge & i'm thinking maybe 6 feet ain't so far down.

My chest is on fire and I feel like I can't breathe because it feels like someone is standing on it. I've felt this way for the past few days. It gets worse when I leave the house. Especially when I go somewhere in public, like the grocery store and it's 10x worse if Monkey is acting up, something's going wrong, PK's pissed at me for something (which is easy to do these days because his job is so fucking hard these days that he's drowning in his own depression and anger)... I'm drowning in stress right now, and my semester hasn't even started yet. And now I'm struggling to keep it together and not to show my husband, my daughter, my brothers, my mother... anyone, just how close I am to the edge.

I have a psychiatrist appointment in 5 days.

I hope I make it.

0050. I'm confused.

I'm putting this on my personal blog, because I know not many people actually read it and I know this would cause an uproar if anyone actually did read it.

There was a boy named Ben Breedlove who recently passed away due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I'm very saddened to hear of his passing - especially on Christmas day. I send my condolences to his family. It's never easy losing a family member, especially when he had come so close to dying so many times before. Believe me, I know. My own mom has been battling her own illness for so many years now, I live in fear that I'm going to get the call one day that she's suddenly no longer with us, and the fear is crippling.

But everyone is talking about the two YouTube videos - parts one and two of his story in which he talks about the three times he cheated death and during the last time, he was unconscious, the EMTs were working on him and he was having a dream or a vision where he was in a white room and he saw Kid Cudi (his favorite rapper who I also love). I was touched by it all until it just ended after he said he didn't want to wake up from the dream/vision, he asked if people believed in God/Angels, said that he did, and that was it.

He basically said that he wanted to die. At least, that's how I interpreted it. I mean, how else can you interpret someone saying that they didn't want to wake up from a dream/vision (while they're essentially dead, because all of his bodily functions weren't working at that point. His heart had stopped, he wasn't breathing, and the EMTs were working desperately to bring him back to life. He says it right there in the video that when you die, your brain still works for a short time. But he was, for all intents and purposes, dead for the 3 minutes that the EMTs were working on him and he was having the vision. And he didn't want to come back from that.

I really do understand wanting that sense of peace. I understand being tired of fighting to stay alive. I've seen my mom fight through her illness for the past 12 years. It's not easy. It's not fun. It's a constant struggle for her just to stand up straight or to breathe most days. But she does it.

I'm very sorry that he passed away. I really am. I don't wish ill on anyone, ever. It's very sad when someone dies. It's even more sad when that person is young and has unfulfilled potential the way that Ben obviously did. I'm just puzzled at certain things about the video. Am I missing a 3rd part of his story? Or did he not get to film the 3rd part because he passed away before he could?