I was looking back through the last few posts I have here, and so much has changed since then. I haven't posted since March and it's now December. In that time, I have completed the radiography program, am about to finish the mammography program, separated from my husband, moved in with my parents, switched Monkey to another school so that she can ride the bus and make our lives easier, watched my dad have a stroke, gotten the call that he had another stroke in the hospital, and gotten the news that my mother has cancer.
It's been a crazy few months. Somehow I've managed to hold it together when all I've really wanted to do is sit in a corner, sucking my thumb and rocking gently back and forth. I think a big part of why I've been able to keep it together is because of my mom. Even through all her struggles and everything she's been through, she's still my rock. My inspiration. She helps me to be strong for my daughter (and myself) despite everything we're going through.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Sunday, March 31, 2013
0070. Letter to my bestie
I wrote this letter to my best friend shortly after writing my last post. It's definitely more positive than my previous post was, although I didn't mean for the last one to seem as negative as it did. I'm posting the email because this is more how I feel, and I know that if Nerf were writing me an email, this is pretty much exactly what she'd say to me. What can I say? She's my bestie and we've been through a lot together.
My Nerfer,
I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation earlier and I wanted to try to write something down that made more sense. I’m definitely a writer and kind of suck when I’m trying to actually say things as I think them.
How do I get out of bed in the morning? Well, mostly because I have to. If I don’t, then things don’t get done. And if things don’t get done, uhappiness abounds. I’m unhappy because the house isn’t clean. Monkey isn’t happy because she isn’t eating every second of the day. PK isn’t happy because the house isn’t clean and he isn’t eating and he doesn’t have clean clothes. I’d just rather avoid the fighting and get out of bed. Also, staying in bed only adds to my depression and when I get to that point I know it’s time for me to reach out and ask for help before I become a permanent part of my bed (which isn’t all that comfortable to begin with).
I wrote in my journal that I feel like a machine because I have so many people and things depending on me to get moving. And maybe I am a machine, but I find happiness in the little things. The way Monkey scarfs down my food when I’ve made something she enjoys, the way PK tells me the house looks nice after I’ve busted my ass cleaning it, the way I feel when I look at the house after I’ve busted my ass cleaning it… You have to find the little joys in everyday life or the darkness will close in and swallow you whole.
Bing Crosby song – Listen to this song. It’s from a Christmas movie, but the message still applies. I’ll wait while you listen. *humming the song along with you*
Back? Did you listen? No really. Go listen to it. I told you I’d wait.
Now that I’m on the subject of blessings and being positive and motivational… I know that we’ve quoted these verses more times than we could ever possibly count, but they’re there for a reason and I think that God wants me to share them again with you now. So…
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Write these down. Keep them somewhere you can look at them all the time. In your wallet. As a screensaver on your phone or laptop. It may sound cheesy, but having little motivational things like this around really do help. I have John 16:33 in my wallet and taped on the mirror in my car, and Jeremiah 29:11 as my phone’s screen saver. Reminding myself that God loves me and wants only the best for me has pulled me out of the pit more times than I can count. Remember that God will never give you more than you can handle. It may seem like He trusts you an awful lot, but He will always lead you through it.
Remember that you ARE a strong capable woman. I know you don’t like being called that now, but the strength that you have today is different than the strength you had when we were younger. The fact that you’re not currently in your bed and you’re going to class and that you asked me for help means that you ARE strong... It takes a VERY STRONG PERSON to ask for help. Think about that the next time you think that you’re not.
I’m making a playlist of songs for you on YouTube. Right now there are about 18 songs on there but I’m still adding. Music seems to be my go-to these days for happyfeelgood times.
Know that I will always be here for you no matter what and that I love you like the sister of my heart you know you are. God put us in each other’s lives for a reason and I have a feeling that He will keep us together forever. We’re gonna be those silly old ladies wearing huge hats in the nursing home, checking out the hot male nurses. And the other people in the nursing home are going to make fun of me because you’re still going to be trying to teach me to knit/crochet/whatever and I’m still going to be tying shit in knots because my hands just don’t work that way but you love me anyway. And I’ll still be writing you stories or telling you stupid ass jokes to make you smile. Know how I know all this? Because we’re best friends/sisters and that’s what we do!
Love,
MK
My Nerfer,
I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation earlier and I wanted to try to write something down that made more sense. I’m definitely a writer and kind of suck when I’m trying to actually say things as I think them.
How do I get out of bed in the morning? Well, mostly because I have to. If I don’t, then things don’t get done. And if things don’t get done, uhappiness abounds. I’m unhappy because the house isn’t clean. Monkey isn’t happy because she isn’t eating every second of the day. PK isn’t happy because the house isn’t clean and he isn’t eating and he doesn’t have clean clothes. I’d just rather avoid the fighting and get out of bed. Also, staying in bed only adds to my depression and when I get to that point I know it’s time for me to reach out and ask for help before I become a permanent part of my bed (which isn’t all that comfortable to begin with).
I wrote in my journal that I feel like a machine because I have so many people and things depending on me to get moving. And maybe I am a machine, but I find happiness in the little things. The way Monkey scarfs down my food when I’ve made something she enjoys, the way PK tells me the house looks nice after I’ve busted my ass cleaning it, the way I feel when I look at the house after I’ve busted my ass cleaning it… You have to find the little joys in everyday life or the darkness will close in and swallow you whole.
Bing Crosby song – Listen to this song. It’s from a Christmas movie, but the message still applies. I’ll wait while you listen. *humming the song along with you*
Back? Did you listen? No really. Go listen to it. I told you I’d wait.
Now that I’m on the subject of blessings and being positive and motivational… I know that we’ve quoted these verses more times than we could ever possibly count, but they’re there for a reason and I think that God wants me to share them again with you now. So…
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Write these down. Keep them somewhere you can look at them all the time. In your wallet. As a screensaver on your phone or laptop. It may sound cheesy, but having little motivational things like this around really do help. I have John 16:33 in my wallet and taped on the mirror in my car, and Jeremiah 29:11 as my phone’s screen saver. Reminding myself that God loves me and wants only the best for me has pulled me out of the pit more times than I can count. Remember that God will never give you more than you can handle. It may seem like He trusts you an awful lot, but He will always lead you through it.
Remember that you ARE a strong capable woman. I know you don’t like being called that now, but the strength that you have today is different than the strength you had when we were younger. The fact that you’re not currently in your bed and you’re going to class and that you asked me for help means that you ARE strong... It takes a VERY STRONG PERSON to ask for help. Think about that the next time you think that you’re not.
I’m making a playlist of songs for you on YouTube. Right now there are about 18 songs on there but I’m still adding. Music seems to be my go-to these days for happyfeelgood times.
Know that I will always be here for you no matter what and that I love you like the sister of my heart you know you are. God put us in each other’s lives for a reason and I have a feeling that He will keep us together forever. We’re gonna be those silly old ladies wearing huge hats in the nursing home, checking out the hot male nurses. And the other people in the nursing home are going to make fun of me because you’re still going to be trying to teach me to knit/crochet/whatever and I’m still going to be tying shit in knots because my hands just don’t work that way but you love me anyway. And I’ll still be writing you stories or telling you stupid ass jokes to make you smile. Know how I know all this? Because we’re best friends/sisters and that’s what we do!
Love,
MK
Thursday, March 28, 2013
0069. Keeping it together
Nerfer (my best friend in the world) just called me and asked how I do it. How do I get out of bed every day and not sleep through the alarm. How do I keep going to school every day? How do I deal with the crazy family and people I don't like at clinic.... and I didn't have an answer for her because I don't know.
I feel like a machine. I just do what I have to do to get by so that I don't lay in my bed like a goddamned vegetable and fall the fuck apart which is what I really want to do.
But my daughter depends on me. My husband depends on me. My parents depend on me. My classmates depend on me. My teachers depend on me (to make good grades). My patients depend on me. My crit partner depends on me. My MKR readers depend on me. My MKR reviewers depend on me. My goddamn characters depend on me. I can't fall apart. I CAN'T.
I feel like a machine. I just do what I have to do to get by so that I don't lay in my bed like a goddamned vegetable and fall the fuck apart which is what I really want to do.
But my daughter depends on me. My husband depends on me. My parents depend on me. My classmates depend on me. My teachers depend on me (to make good grades). My patients depend on me. My crit partner depends on me. My MKR readers depend on me. My MKR reviewers depend on me. My goddamn characters depend on me. I can't fall apart. I CAN'T.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
0068. 5 good things day 6
5 good things from today:
1. Had a quiz in class. Pretty sure I rocked it.
2. Got to spend time with my mommy today and help her pick out her precious baby puppy.
3. Talked to my BFFFF Jennifer.
4. Had my first cup of coffee since January 14th and it was DELICIOUS.
5. Got to see my bestie Kayla at school!
(I have more than one bestie. Yes, it's possible.)
1. Had a quiz in class. Pretty sure I rocked it.
2. Got to spend time with my mommy today and help her pick out her precious baby puppy.
3. Talked to my BFFFF Jennifer.
4. Had my first cup of coffee since January 14th and it was DELICIOUS.
5. Got to see my bestie Kayla at school!
(I have more than one bestie. Yes, it's possible.)
Monday, January 28, 2013
0067. 5 good things day 5
5 Good Things.
1. I woke up late but still got to clinical early.
2. I was SUPER BUSY at clinical but had some really awesome patients & learned a lot.
3. I had a grilled chicken salad with raspberry vinaigrette for lunch and was surprisingly full.
4. I walked almost 3 miles today!
5. Got some work done on my job and lining up stuff for the blog.
1. I woke up late but still got to clinical early.
2. I was SUPER BUSY at clinical but had some really awesome patients & learned a lot.
3. I had a grilled chicken salad with raspberry vinaigrette for lunch and was surprisingly full.
4. I walked almost 3 miles today!
5. Got some work done on my job and lining up stuff for the blog.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
0066. 5 good things day 4
5 good things that happened today:
1. I got to spend the day with PK
2. I managed to finish reading a book
3. I started reading another
4. We have a fridge full of food
5. I GOT MY FIRST CONTRACT!
1. I got to spend the day with PK
2. I managed to finish reading a book
3. I started reading another
4. We have a fridge full of food
5. I GOT MY FIRST CONTRACT!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
0065. 5 good things day 3
5 good things that happened today:
1. I had a good day at clinicals
2. Monkey and I went for a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood (got all the way to Kroger!)
3. I continued that walk by jogging for the first time in YEARS
4. Eclipse is on TV and PK isn't home yet
5. I'm in a good mood
1. I had a good day at clinicals
2. Monkey and I went for a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood (got all the way to Kroger!)
3. I continued that walk by jogging for the first time in YEARS
4. Eclipse is on TV and PK isn't home yet
5. I'm in a good mood
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
0064. 5 good things day 2
5 good things that happened today:
1. I woke up to kisses from my little girl.
2. I got to have a conversation with one of my favorite authors (fangirl giddiness ensued)
3. I had a decent day in class, despite not wanting to be there.
4. My laundry is almost done! 2 more loads...
5. Dinner came out tasty... totally had my doubts. :)
1. I woke up to kisses from my little girl.
2. I got to have a conversation with one of my favorite authors (fangirl giddiness ensued)
3. I had a decent day in class, despite not wanting to be there.
4. My laundry is almost done! 2 more loads...
5. Dinner came out tasty... totally had my doubts. :)
Monday, January 21, 2013
0063. 5 things: Day 1
I've been horribly down lately, and I emailed my friend Tibby, who I love and adore. She suggested that I start a "five things" journal. Since I haven't used this in a while, I figure that posting my Five Things would be a good move. Five Things is where I psot 5 good things about my day, every day. This is day 1.
1. I managed to get my house picked up.
2. I spent time with Monkey.
3. I made delicious hamburgers that were just a tad on the spicy side. PK loved them.
4. PK came home early and wants to spend time together.
5. I didn't have to go to clinicals today.
1. I managed to get my house picked up.
2. I spent time with Monkey.
3. I made delicious hamburgers that were just a tad on the spicy side. PK loved them.
4. PK came home early and wants to spend time together.
5. I didn't have to go to clinicals today.
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