0046. It's just one of them days (don't take it personal)

It's just one of them days when I wanna be alone. It's just one of them days when I gotta be all alone. (Don't take it personal)


Today sucked. Last week sucked. The week before sucked. The week before that sucked. It seems like it's been one long month of nothing but suck lately and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. it's not that I have a defeatist attitude. Things have just been beyond my control lately to the point that I feel like I'm drowning in shit right now. I'm tired and I feel so run down that I don't know if I can pull myself out of this hole...

And this isn't a good thing, considering how I'm only 3 weeks into my semester and it's only going to get worse - not to mention the fact that my other jobs (mommy/wife/and everything that comes along with those positions) never end. Ever. And what a massive amount of stress that adds!

There wasn't any one thing that was so awful that made me want to tear my hair out today, but I guess it was just everything accumulating over time and people being shitty to me (in subtle ways) and my being overly sensitive because I'm both Bipolar and a stupid Girl that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. A lot. But that would give me a headache and then I'd get pissed off because of the headache, which would make me cry more... It's a cycle and it sucks.

0025. I don't know where I am & I don't trust where I've been

iTunes: "Full Moon" - The Black Ghosts

mood: emo & ridiculous

I've been battling with some pretty bad anger issues lately. According to PK, I've been "mean" for the past 4-5 months. While I admit that I've been touchier lately, I don't think that I've been mean. I've still done everything in my power to make sure that he and Monkey are happy while still trying to maintain some semblance of sanity and my own identity, but if they (he) say anything that I construe as "rude" or even slightly off, I immediately flip the bitch switch. And that's not right!

I know he's not always as rude as I feel he's being. He's abrasive sometimes, but he's actually quite a wonderful guy. He works his ass off and takes care of us and he really loves us with all his heart... but it's never enough for me. I'm a selfish greedy bitch and I want more.

I want him to hold my hand, tell me he loves me all the time (without my prompting him first), to be sweet and cuddly and teddy-bearish, and to fucking propose! I want him to tell me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, loving me, and treating me like a queen. I don't think that's so much to ask, is it?

I know he's not the teddy-bear type. He's not smooshy and into public displays of affection and I knew that going in. I was in one of my "I don't want to be touched" phases, so it was fine with me. And sometimes he does let me climb all over him and smooch all over his face, so it's not as though I'm going without affection. He makes me happy and he takes care of me.

And I've completely gone off on a tangent. This is not what I wanted to talk about.

I've been on a rollercoaster lately. One minute I'm up, the next I'm so low that I can see what my downstairs neighbor is doing because I'm through the floor.

I'm downphasing right now and battling the urge to either cry or scream. Monkey was playing in her room (instead of putting on her nightgown like PK told her to do) and she shattered the piggybank I got for her before she was born. Since I got it from a craft store in San Antonio, there's no way I can replace it. And I was already ready to cry, so when I saw that it was the piggybank, I burst into tears. PK was understanding about why I was crying but upset with Monkey for fucking around instead of doing what she was told. I still feel like a dumbshit for bursting into tears over a piggybank.

My doctor put a consult into Mental Health for me, but I don't know when that's going to happen. It's the VA and they're notoriously overworked, understaffed, and slow as hell. Until then, I'll have to figure out a way to keep going.