0056. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and Sam's sister has Bipolar Disorder. Her case is a lot more severe than mine is, but either way it's not easy. I keep thinking that I'm one of the more "normal" cases. My case is on the mild side - I'm relatively functional most days, but I walk on a thin line between "normal" and falling into a pit of depression so deep I never know if I'm going to crawl out again. And then there are the "high" days. The days when I don't sleep because I have so much to do and I know that I'm the only one who can get it done because if anyone else does it, it'll be wrong (thank you, OCD).

It's taken me a long time to admit it, but I'm sick. And I'm still coming to grips with that fact. I've been on my mom for years about staying on her meds, because her Bipolar Disorder is far worse than mine is, but I continuously fuck mine up. I did it again in the past few weeks, because I've been so depressed that I just can't bring myself to even get my meds out from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and put them in my little pill holder. Yes, I have a pill holder - for both my AM and PM pills, because I take that many. 8 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Good GOD, I take a lot of medicine. But according to the doctor, I need them all. But I HATE TAKING THEM.

My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. And I'm fucking sick & tired of being fucking sick & tired.