0056. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and Sam's sister has Bipolar Disorder. Her case is a lot more severe than mine is, but either way it's not easy. I keep thinking that I'm one of the more "normal" cases. My case is on the mild side - I'm relatively functional most days, but I walk on a thin line between "normal" and falling into a pit of depression so deep I never know if I'm going to crawl out again. And then there are the "high" days. The days when I don't sleep because I have so much to do and I know that I'm the only one who can get it done because if anyone else does it, it'll be wrong (thank you, OCD).

It's taken me a long time to admit it, but I'm sick. And I'm still coming to grips with that fact. I've been on my mom for years about staying on her meds, because her Bipolar Disorder is far worse than mine is, but I continuously fuck mine up. I did it again in the past few weeks, because I've been so depressed that I just can't bring myself to even get my meds out from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and put them in my little pill holder. Yes, I have a pill holder - for both my AM and PM pills, because I take that many. 8 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Good GOD, I take a lot of medicine. But according to the doctor, I need them all. But I HATE TAKING THEM.

My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. And I'm fucking sick & tired of being fucking sick & tired.

0025. I don't know where I am & I don't trust where I've been

iTunes: "Full Moon" - The Black Ghosts

mood: emo & ridiculous

I've been battling with some pretty bad anger issues lately. According to PK, I've been "mean" for the past 4-5 months. While I admit that I've been touchier lately, I don't think that I've been mean. I've still done everything in my power to make sure that he and Monkey are happy while still trying to maintain some semblance of sanity and my own identity, but if they (he) say anything that I construe as "rude" or even slightly off, I immediately flip the bitch switch. And that's not right!

I know he's not always as rude as I feel he's being. He's abrasive sometimes, but he's actually quite a wonderful guy. He works his ass off and takes care of us and he really loves us with all his heart... but it's never enough for me. I'm a selfish greedy bitch and I want more.

I want him to hold my hand, tell me he loves me all the time (without my prompting him first), to be sweet and cuddly and teddy-bearish, and to fucking propose! I want him to tell me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, loving me, and treating me like a queen. I don't think that's so much to ask, is it?

I know he's not the teddy-bear type. He's not smooshy and into public displays of affection and I knew that going in. I was in one of my "I don't want to be touched" phases, so it was fine with me. And sometimes he does let me climb all over him and smooch all over his face, so it's not as though I'm going without affection. He makes me happy and he takes care of me.

And I've completely gone off on a tangent. This is not what I wanted to talk about.

I've been on a rollercoaster lately. One minute I'm up, the next I'm so low that I can see what my downstairs neighbor is doing because I'm through the floor.

I'm downphasing right now and battling the urge to either cry or scream. Monkey was playing in her room (instead of putting on her nightgown like PK told her to do) and she shattered the piggybank I got for her before she was born. Since I got it from a craft store in San Antonio, there's no way I can replace it. And I was already ready to cry, so when I saw that it was the piggybank, I burst into tears. PK was understanding about why I was crying but upset with Monkey for fucking around instead of doing what she was told. I still feel like a dumbshit for bursting into tears over a piggybank.

My doctor put a consult into Mental Health for me, but I don't know when that's going to happen. It's the VA and they're notoriously overworked, understaffed, and slow as hell. Until then, I'll have to figure out a way to keep going.