0057. feels like every time i get back on my feet [trouble] come around & knock me down again

iTunes: Trouble - Ray La Montagne

Mood: tired, irritated, frustrated, done

Today wasn't bad. It really wasn't. I slept in a little bit, but still managed to make it to school on time. I was sleepy, but I didn't fall asleep in class. I understood what was going on (for the most part - I have a lot of studying to do this weekend). When we had a tutoring session with the director of the xray program (who is also our Principles of Radiographic Imaging II teacher), I actually understood what was going on. So, the morning wasn't bad I guess.

I had an appointment at the VA today, and driving up there is always crappy because it's a 40 minute drive (one way). I'm already really tired, and long drives tend to put me in a coma so I spend the whole drive up there and back either singing at the top of my lungs or on the phone.

The appointment I had today was for my Well Woman appointment, which is always super fun. They have a special clinic just for us chicks so that we don't have to deal with being around men while we're going to have special girl time, which I like. Unfortunately, I learned today that they're taking this option away and I'll be having my next WW appointment with my Primary Care doctor. I don't like that option so much. See, my doc is a female, but I don't always see her because she's busy. Sometimes I see a resident, and occasionally that resident is a male... and I have PTSD... that doesn't allow me to be comfortable around males (I'm honestly surprised that I'm married). Anyway. When I went into the room for my exam, one of the Primary Care docs was there to "brush up" on his Well Woman technique and I instantly froze up. My hands started shaking and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. My OB/GYN noticed and sent him out while I was changing, but the damage was done. To top it off, there's an issue with my cervix that's sending me to the Gyno specialist.

Really, the appointment wasn't that bad. I've had far worse, I assure you.

I went home after and it was early enough that Monkey was still in school so I took a little (much needed) nap. After I picked her up, she started talking, and didn't stop until I put her to bed 2 minutes ago. PK came home feeling grumpy and crappy and in an all around bad mood. I'm stressing out about money and school and everything else going on in my life. I'm ready to be done with it all and I've got SO MUCH MORE LEFT. I know 4 1/2 semesters may not seem like a lot, but when you're this burned out, it really fucking is.

I took half of a Valium earlier and I hope to God it kicks in soon because I need to not care right now. Or just be chill. Or something. I just need to chill. PK wants me to go into the bedroom and watch the fucking Godfather ("the best movie of all time!") but I don't like it so I'm procrastinating. It's not like I don't have 16,000 other things to do any way, but still. I need to spend time with my husband.

0056. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and Sam's sister has Bipolar Disorder. Her case is a lot more severe than mine is, but either way it's not easy. I keep thinking that I'm one of the more "normal" cases. My case is on the mild side - I'm relatively functional most days, but I walk on a thin line between "normal" and falling into a pit of depression so deep I never know if I'm going to crawl out again. And then there are the "high" days. The days when I don't sleep because I have so much to do and I know that I'm the only one who can get it done because if anyone else does it, it'll be wrong (thank you, OCD).

It's taken me a long time to admit it, but I'm sick. And I'm still coming to grips with that fact. I've been on my mom for years about staying on her meds, because her Bipolar Disorder is far worse than mine is, but I continuously fuck mine up. I did it again in the past few weeks, because I've been so depressed that I just can't bring myself to even get my meds out from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and put them in my little pill holder. Yes, I have a pill holder - for both my AM and PM pills, because I take that many. 8 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Good GOD, I take a lot of medicine. But according to the doctor, I need them all. But I HATE TAKING THEM.

My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. And I'm fucking sick & tired of being fucking sick & tired.

0055. gimme gimme

(Normal x-ray markers)

We were looking at x-ray markers today at the hospital because one of the techs was hired on full time and one of the other techs wanted to get her a present. So, we found some right and left markers that fit her personality (they have skull and crossbones above the R and L and her initials), but while we were searching, I found a website that had a ton of markers that I'd punch a nun for. They're seriously SO CUTE!!

So, obviously I can't use all of the markers, but I still want all the sets. Maybe I can keep a couple different ones on me and use one for adults and one for kids and just switch out every other day. But it'll have to wait until I have a regular tech job and until I have a regular paycheck coming in, because even though I have disability and the GI Bill, it's not necessarily guaranteed. This month, I was short 2 week's worth of a paycheck because I wasn't in school for that amount of time (fucking break) and they no longer pay breaks (fucking Obama) so now I'm fucked (FUCK). Anyway.

I applied to be a cashier at HEB today. I gave my availability as Wednesday afternoons, Friday afternoons, all day Saturday, and Sunday afternoons (so that I don't miss church). It's going to cut into my blogging and my study time, but I need the money. I'm going to have to let them know that I need time off for my SIL's wedding and for AAD, and if they have issues with that then I'll just have to not accept the job (if I get it to begin with that is). One of the girls that's in the program with me works there and she says that they're pretty good about working with people who are going to college. And they pay fairly decently considering minimum wage is like $7.30 an hour or some shit. I think they pay around $8 an hour or maybe even a little more than that. As long as I'm not paying to work there by using up a shit ton of gas by driving there, we're all good.

Wish me luck.

I'm gonna go hang out with PK now. It's our anniversary today and I figure it'd be nice to actually spend time with him tonight (for once, lol)

0054. confused and irritated

iTunes: none - watching Big Bang Theory

Mood: confused, irritated, sad, and yet still have a bit of happy thrown in there.

So I'll start out with the bad and go to the good.

First: PK's out of town on business. This makes me sad. Why? Well, he's my husband and I love him, for one. And sleeping without him next to me isn't easy. For whatever reason, I've become used to the chainsaw buzzing that is his snoring, and it's even soothing to me. I know, I'm weird. I am happy that he went to this conference, because it means more opportunities for him at work (which will hopefully lead to him getting a nice raise, lol) and it means more contacts in his industry. So, I know that this trip will be good for him, business-wise, but personally.... it sucks. I miss my PK.

I'm confused and irritated because of stuff that happened in school. See, there's this guy in my class from last semester, who suddenly stopped talking to me. Like, flat out refused to talk to me. I never knew what it was that I did, but there were times when he was just plain RUDE to me in his desire to avoid speaking to me. I've always been nice to him, because I'm usually pretty nice to everyone. I don't like confrontation, so in an effort to avoid it, I'm a nice as I can be to everyone. Anyway. One of my friends from clinic this semester is in lab with this guy. My friend told me that the guy was talking to another girl in our class, one who I thought I was at least on acquaintance terms with, if not friendly, but I guess I was wrong... the guy was telling the girl that I'm crazy and rude and so my friend asks why they think that. The guy says that he doesn't like me because I'm "bipolar and psycho" and he asks the other girl (who is in my classes with me - the guy and my friend are in the other group of students, so we don't have classes together... it's a little confusing, I know) if I'm "as bad as [I] was last semester", and she actually said I was worse! I'm so confused, because I don't really talk much in class, if ever. I have a paralyzing fear that whatever I say will be wrong. When my friend stepped in to defend me, telling them that I'm nice, they told her that she must be a psycho too.

What the fuck?? How dare they pick on me about the fact that I'm bipolar. No, I don't try to hide it. I'm proud of the fact that I've got my issues under control. I'm medicated and staying that way. I'm going to therapy. At least I'm trying to work through my shit. Most people ignore it until it's a big fucking problem and it destroys them or someone else. So why am I psycho for it? I think I'm actually the opposite of psycho, thank you very little. And how the fuck am I rude??? I'm all peaches and cream, smiling and shit at school. At home might be a little different (I once told my BFF that I used up all my nice during the day at school, and at one point I thought I might've been serious about it)

I shouldn't worry so much about it. It's just drama I don't need and I really did have a good day today. I shot a lot of x-rays today and had some really awesome patients. I did see my first trauma though, which was... well, it was kind of traumatic, actually. I can't talk about the specifics of my patients' cases, but the trauma I saw today was an attempted suicide. Look like the patient will be ok, but it was so heart-breaking to see.

I also shot my first pediatric x-rays today... three different pediatric patients, actually! My first one was a little girl who needed a chest and 2 abdomen x-rays. She was younger than Monkey and so quiet. She just stood there, stock-still, and staring up at us. I gave her stickers because she was such a great patient. My next two pediatric patients were just as awesome. And they weren't my only good patients - I had several older patients (ok, everyone's older than the pediatric patients, lol) who were just fantastic.

So really, other than finding out about the two assholes in my class, I had a really good day. And I'm not going to let them bring me down. This is going to be a good semester, dammit! :)

0053. fill me up and make me whole again

Like any teenager, I had struggles with my faith, but after that initial "I'm not sure..." I've been very strong in my devotion to God. I haven't gone to church in three years, but I've always let people in my life know where my heart lies.

Except.

Lately, I've felt an emptiness that listening to KSBJ and saying a quick little prayer just doesn't fill (and keep filled) anymore.

I know that I'm battling with a bout of depression that's battling on mania. I don't want to slip back into a downphase. I screwed up on my meds when we moved because it got packed accidentally and it took me a while to adjust to being here... lame excuses for not taking my very important medication, I know, but there it is. I messed up, and now I'm battling a downphase. I'm battling with all my might.

This is a bit of a long story, so bear with me.

While I was working for the VA, I knew a girl (a fellow veteran) who was trying to get into the nursing program. She was nice and has a son who is Monkey's age. I found out that she lived (literally) right down the street from me, so we exchanged phone numbers with the thought that maybe the kids could play together. I never called her because I'm lame and have mild agoraphobia. My comfort zone is my house, so logically I could've asked them to come to my place, but PK's weird and doesn't like people that he doesn't know at the house, even if I know them. Makes things a little difficult when I need to study.

Anyway. I later had a class with this girl, and we became friends. We renewed out interest in getting the kids together, but as the class progressed, I became more stressed out because the class was so difficult. I later ended up dropping the class (sort of - long story) but before I left, I handed her an invite to Monkey's birthday party for her son. They didn't show, and I assumed we'd never see each other again.

Fast forward to last semester. I'm in my x-ray classes, and one day while I'm in the halls between classes (it's in the Health Sciences building), who should I run into but my friend! She made it into the nursing program! We see each other in the hallway often, but we never get to talk more often than "Hi, how are you doing? Classes are really hard. I've got to go to my next class. Hope the family's doing well. See you later."

After the semester and my mini-semester were both over, I ran into my friend at the bank. We talked for a few minutes, laughing because we'd never seen each other in the three years we'd lived there and been banking there, but suddenly we were seeing each other everywhere.

Two days later, we ran into each other at the store. I was on the phone with my mom and I was talking to her about how stressed out I've been feeling. My friend laughed and said, "Man! We never saw each other before and now we can't seem to stop running into each other!" I laughed and said, "Maybe God's trying to tell us something." She said, "Do you want to go to church with me?" I immediately stopped laughing, my eyes started tearing up, and I said, "Yes, I really do."

It's absolutely amazing to me how God works in our lives. MD and I knew each other through the VA, then school, and the possibility of getting our kids together. But ultimately, I think God put her in my life to get me back into church - something I've been needing for a long time. My heart is full of love for my daughter and my husband, but I need the spiritual fulfillment as well.

I'm so excited to go to church on Sunday!

0052.

I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it. I have all this anger and frustration and fear and I feel like I'm going to fucking explode but I can't tell anyone about it because everyone has their own shit going on and I can't burden them with it because then they'll topple over and I can't do that to them.

So what do I do?

My psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be Wednesday, but my doctor called me that morning and told me that she had a doctor's appointment and wouldn't make it back to her office by 3:30. She did reschedule my appointment for 12:30 on Friday (tomorrow... technically... sort of), so that's a good thing, because if she would've told me that she didn't have an opening for another two months, I might've found a bridge to jump off of.

I had another dream about school the other night, and I'd say it's starting to freak me out, but obviously I've been freaked out. I'm sick of being freaked out. But last semester was so fucking hard and I don't know that I can deal with another semester like that... not when I don't have the kind of support that I need at home.

God, this sucks.

0051. 6 feet from the edge & i'm thinking maybe 6 feet ain't so far down.

My chest is on fire and I feel like I can't breathe because it feels like someone is standing on it. I've felt this way for the past few days. It gets worse when I leave the house. Especially when I go somewhere in public, like the grocery store and it's 10x worse if Monkey is acting up, something's going wrong, PK's pissed at me for something (which is easy to do these days because his job is so fucking hard these days that he's drowning in his own depression and anger)... I'm drowning in stress right now, and my semester hasn't even started yet. And now I'm struggling to keep it together and not to show my husband, my daughter, my brothers, my mother... anyone, just how close I am to the edge.

I have a psychiatrist appointment in 5 days.

I hope I make it.