0061. it turns out I am my mother's daughter

My grandmother used to tell me a story about how my mom would call her sobbing because something happened to someone. My mom would be crying so hysterically that Grams was certain something had happened to my dad (this was before they got divorced, obviously). When she finally got my mom to calm down enough so that she could understand what Mom was saying, she asked "Who the hell are you talking about?" to which my mom would tearfully shout at Grams "Pay attention! It's Luke and Laura from General Hospital!" (or something to that effect) Of course, my Grams would get frustrated and hang up the phone with a growl. Grams didn't watch soaps. Well, daytime soaps, anyway.

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT LAST SEASON'S GREY'S ANATOMY SEASON FINALE AND THIS SEASON'S PREMIERE. IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED YET, GO HERE AND WATCH NOW.

I've always been a pretty emotional person. I told someone the other day on Twitter... or Facebook... I can't really remember which social platform it was. I'm on so many. *G* Anyway, I said that the first 5 seasons of Grey's Anatomy were so depressing that I actually wanted to jump off a cliff when I was watching. Especially when Meredith drowned. Jimminy Christmas, that was depressing. But now that Meredith and Derek are all happily married and stuff, the show's gotten better.

Sort of.

Lexie died in last season's finale. And of course, I cried. But when I finally managed to watch this week's season premiere, I found myself hysterically sobbing. If my Grams had been alive, I probably would have called her just so she could grunt and hang up on me too. For old times' sake, ya know? Watching them pull the plug on Mark Sloan just about killed me. Yes, he gets to be with Lexie, but he died. And that fucking sucks.

I know that he's not real, but I have to let it out so bear with me.

I have a lot going on in my life. School, family, etc. So, I watch these shows (and read these books) to let myself forget about everything that's going on. It's like stress relief, despite the fact that I get overly attached to the characters. I get to be involved in someone else's drama for a while, and I'm happier for it. That's pretty much how I feel about books too. And one of the reasons that I love trilogies and series so much. Because I get invested in characters and I get to see what happens "after the sunset", as it were.

So, after I finished sobbing my eyes out, I decided I'd go ahead and watch the last two episodes of Saving Hope online, since NBC was retarded and pulled the plug on a fantastic show. I figured it'd be good, since I knew that Charlie was going to wake up. How much could do wrong?

You know when that sentence is said, it only spells doom for the person saying it, right?

So here I am, crying again over a fictional character. I'd say that I need help, but this is my own form of therapy. I don't cry much in my real life. I don't like showing any kind of weakness. I've always had to be the "strong" one. And I hate being the "strong" one. I'm not strong. But since I stepped into that role without realizing it at three years old, I'm pretty much stuck in that role. Crying over these pretend people is cathartic to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the seasons premiere of Once Upon A Time is tonight and I need to stock up on Kleenex.

0060. Is it August 2013 yet?

So. I'm watching/reading some college commencement speeches after seeing a tweet saying something like "Sorry kids, you're not special." (I tend to look at the more controversial tweets for some reason. Call me crazy?)

There were links to other commencement speeches given by other people. One of them was one by Steve Jobs at Stanford in 2005. Here's part of it:

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to Heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition ... Stay hungry, Stay foolish."

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick," said Jobs. "Don't lose faith."

Why am I looking through commencement speeches when I don't graduate until August of 2013? Mostly because I wanted to know what the guy who was telling the kids they weren't special was saying (and I agree with him... to a point... for his full speech, check out the YouTube video below) but I also am fairly desperate to see my own commencement speech. I've been in school since summer of 2009. I still haven't received my Associate's degree, not for lack of trying, that's for sure. No, I have enough credits to have my AA in General Studies. But I refuse to apply for an AA in General Studies when I'm going for my degree in Medical Imaging. And even though I still have a year left and I'm so burned out that I dread going to school every day, I AM DETERMINED TO FINISH.

It's getting late, and for once I don't have to stay up all night studying or doing laundry for tomorrow. I'm going to lay down and hope that I fall asleep quickly. Insomnia has set in lately and I'm not a fan of being exhausted during the day.

0059. marriage

"I had my 17th wedding anniversary this year... I feel very lucky, and I love being married... But, I felt married to him before we got married. I mean, the commitment that I made to him was a commitment we made two people in a room alone. It was great to kind of consecrate it with other people there and celebrate it. But the commitment was made between him and me and I feel like there are people who get married for the party, there are people who get married for the tradition. Marriage is not the party, marriage is not the dress. Marriage is every day waking up with this person, not choking them to death in their sleep... people always say 'how did you guys make it this long?' and I'm like look it's not rocket science. Just be kind. People are nice to everybody in the street and they're the worst to the people they have to lie down with every night. Save your best behavior for your husband and your wife. You know, be nice to the people who can poison your food, that's what I'm saying." (Aisha Tyler - The Talk)

0058. I'm tired and irritated.

I've had so much going on in the past few weeks that I haven't had time to do much else besides... well, everything that I've had to do. School has been keeping me so busy that I want to cry. Literally. I have 4 exams when I get back from Spring Break next week. I had 1 exam the week before. I have exams at clinicals any time a good patient walks through the door and my fellow classmates don't snatch up the paperwork first. And it's ALWAYS LIKE THIS. It seems like the minute we're done with a round of exams, we're starting on another. I'm stressing so bad over school that my hair is starting to fall out (more of it is coming out while I'm in the shower than what I'm used to and it's kind of freaking me out, if I'm honest). I had my first fever blister in well over a year, which I only get when I'm stressed and/or not sleeping, so that should give you some idea of how things are going on the stress level.

And speaking of stress. I know PK doesn't like me talking about him online, but this is my personal journal, and this is where I go to vent. Surprisingly, this time I'm not actually venting about him, so much as because of him (if that makes sense?) He's been working his ass off. He goes in early and doesn't get home until after 8:00 most nights. There have been several nights that he's gotten home well after Monkey has gone to bed (at 8:30) and he usually goes immediately to bed himself because he's so exhausted. He's been working himself into the freaking ground, and I've slowly been getting more and more worried about him because on the rare occasion that he is home, all he ever wants to do is sleep. Which, don't get me wrong, I totally understand why. He's working hard. He's stressed because of everything he has to do at work (which I won't discuss here, because that's his business and not mine). I've been trying to get him to relax a little more, eat healthier, maybe even try to get up and walk (if not exercise outright), because he has a pre-existing heart condition. Even with that, it still didn't cross my mind that he'd call me while I was in class 2 weeks ago to tell me he that he thought he was having a heart attack and to come get him so that I could take him to the ER. I was all for calling an ambulance, but Mr Stubborn Ass decided he'd work for another hour or so and then drive his stupid ass home so that we could leave his car at the house. For that alone, I might have to beat him senseless. I finally managed to get him to the ER, and he ended up spending the entire weekend in the hospital. I somehow managed to not be in the room every time the doctor came in (usually getting Monkey from my mom's house so she could visit with her dad - the doctor kept really strange hours), so I never really got the straight facts on what was going on. PK has a way of hiding things from me so that I don't completely freak out. He won't outright admit it to me, but it was a minor heart attack. He's now taking steps to reduce stress (he's been coming home at 6:00 and we've actually been getting along better than ever), he's playing with Monkey outside, he's helping me fix up the house... But he's still got all this other stuff stressing him out and I don't know how to help him. I want to take all the outside stress in his life and just make it go away. If I have to see my husband in the hospital again because his stress level went through the roof and his heart couldn't handle it... well, I might end up going postal, because my stress level can't handle it. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. We're talking about the possibility of having a baby once I'm done with school. I'd like the chance for a few more anniversaries and maybe a babyKitty of our own.

And now that I've completely depressed myself. Let me rile myself back up for a minute before I run off to make dinner.

I've been busting my ass for the past three days to clean my house top to bottom, organizing every room in the house (including the rooms we haven't unpacked yet because PK has to build bookshelves for my library and office, as well as get a new desk since the one we currently have it TINY, and bring the bed over from the old condo/storage unit so that we can properly set up the guest bedroom, and put up shelves in Monkey's room and hang her TV on the wall so that she has more room to play), doing all the laundry, scrubbing bathrooms and the kitchen and whatever else I could find to scrub with BLEACH (it smells clean and fresh and all that) because it's Spring Break and my mom and 3 of my aunts were coming over either tomorrow or Friday for lunch. I finally got in touch with the aunt we all consider the "matriarch" of the family, and she tells me "Stop cleaning!" (I'd texted her to tell her I was cleaning up the house and I was going to head to the store later) Then she tells me that another one of my aunts doesn't want to come this week because her grandkids (who live with her) are on Spring Break, and she wants to wait to have lunch until they're back in school.... Except the only reason I'm able to have lunch with them in the first place is because I'm on Spring Break! Apparently they've all forgotten that I'm a full time student and in school ALL THE FREAKING TIME. And when I'm not in school, I'm at study group or at clinicals. And hello? Since when do I not have a kid with a room full of toys and a TV and a backyard and a front yard with other kids their age? I mean seriously! My mom knew I was cleaning the shit out of my house. My uncle knew I was cleaning the shit out of my house. My aunt surely knew, because I go insane every time she comes over (remember the part where she's the matriarch of our family?) but I haven't been able to talk to her because every time I call her she's unavailable and she never freaking calls me back!!! I'm irritated, and to be quite honest, I'm a little bit hurt.

I have to go make dinner for the Monkey now. She's bitching at me that she's starving, despite the fact that she's eaten almost everything I have in the pantry today. She must be hitting another growth spurt.

0057. feels like every time i get back on my feet [trouble] come around & knock me down again

iTunes: Trouble - Ray La Montagne

Mood: tired, irritated, frustrated, done

Today wasn't bad. It really wasn't. I slept in a little bit, but still managed to make it to school on time. I was sleepy, but I didn't fall asleep in class. I understood what was going on (for the most part - I have a lot of studying to do this weekend). When we had a tutoring session with the director of the xray program (who is also our Principles of Radiographic Imaging II teacher), I actually understood what was going on. So, the morning wasn't bad I guess.

I had an appointment at the VA today, and driving up there is always crappy because it's a 40 minute drive (one way). I'm already really tired, and long drives tend to put me in a coma so I spend the whole drive up there and back either singing at the top of my lungs or on the phone.

The appointment I had today was for my Well Woman appointment, which is always super fun. They have a special clinic just for us chicks so that we don't have to deal with being around men while we're going to have special girl time, which I like. Unfortunately, I learned today that they're taking this option away and I'll be having my next WW appointment with my Primary Care doctor. I don't like that option so much. See, my doc is a female, but I don't always see her because she's busy. Sometimes I see a resident, and occasionally that resident is a male... and I have PTSD... that doesn't allow me to be comfortable around males (I'm honestly surprised that I'm married). Anyway. When I went into the room for my exam, one of the Primary Care docs was there to "brush up" on his Well Woman technique and I instantly froze up. My hands started shaking and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. My OB/GYN noticed and sent him out while I was changing, but the damage was done. To top it off, there's an issue with my cervix that's sending me to the Gyno specialist.

Really, the appointment wasn't that bad. I've had far worse, I assure you.

I went home after and it was early enough that Monkey was still in school so I took a little (much needed) nap. After I picked her up, she started talking, and didn't stop until I put her to bed 2 minutes ago. PK came home feeling grumpy and crappy and in an all around bad mood. I'm stressing out about money and school and everything else going on in my life. I'm ready to be done with it all and I've got SO MUCH MORE LEFT. I know 4 1/2 semesters may not seem like a lot, but when you're this burned out, it really fucking is.

I took half of a Valium earlier and I hope to God it kicks in soon because I need to not care right now. Or just be chill. Or something. I just need to chill. PK wants me to go into the bedroom and watch the fucking Godfather ("the best movie of all time!") but I don't like it so I'm procrastinating. It's not like I don't have 16,000 other things to do any way, but still. I need to spend time with my husband.

0056. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and Sam's sister has Bipolar Disorder. Her case is a lot more severe than mine is, but either way it's not easy. I keep thinking that I'm one of the more "normal" cases. My case is on the mild side - I'm relatively functional most days, but I walk on a thin line between "normal" and falling into a pit of depression so deep I never know if I'm going to crawl out again. And then there are the "high" days. The days when I don't sleep because I have so much to do and I know that I'm the only one who can get it done because if anyone else does it, it'll be wrong (thank you, OCD).

It's taken me a long time to admit it, but I'm sick. And I'm still coming to grips with that fact. I've been on my mom for years about staying on her meds, because her Bipolar Disorder is far worse than mine is, but I continuously fuck mine up. I did it again in the past few weeks, because I've been so depressed that I just can't bring myself to even get my meds out from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and put them in my little pill holder. Yes, I have a pill holder - for both my AM and PM pills, because I take that many. 8 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Good GOD, I take a lot of medicine. But according to the doctor, I need them all. But I HATE TAKING THEM.

My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. And I'm fucking sick & tired of being fucking sick & tired.

0055. gimme gimme

(Normal x-ray markers)

We were looking at x-ray markers today at the hospital because one of the techs was hired on full time and one of the other techs wanted to get her a present. So, we found some right and left markers that fit her personality (they have skull and crossbones above the R and L and her initials), but while we were searching, I found a website that had a ton of markers that I'd punch a nun for. They're seriously SO CUTE!!

So, obviously I can't use all of the markers, but I still want all the sets. Maybe I can keep a couple different ones on me and use one for adults and one for kids and just switch out every other day. But it'll have to wait until I have a regular tech job and until I have a regular paycheck coming in, because even though I have disability and the GI Bill, it's not necessarily guaranteed. This month, I was short 2 week's worth of a paycheck because I wasn't in school for that amount of time (fucking break) and they no longer pay breaks (fucking Obama) so now I'm fucked (FUCK). Anyway.

I applied to be a cashier at HEB today. I gave my availability as Wednesday afternoons, Friday afternoons, all day Saturday, and Sunday afternoons (so that I don't miss church). It's going to cut into my blogging and my study time, but I need the money. I'm going to have to let them know that I need time off for my SIL's wedding and for AAD, and if they have issues with that then I'll just have to not accept the job (if I get it to begin with that is). One of the girls that's in the program with me works there and she says that they're pretty good about working with people who are going to college. And they pay fairly decently considering minimum wage is like $7.30 an hour or some shit. I think they pay around $8 an hour or maybe even a little more than that. As long as I'm not paying to work there by using up a shit ton of gas by driving there, we're all good.

Wish me luck.

I'm gonna go hang out with PK now. It's our anniversary today and I figure it'd be nice to actually spend time with him tonight (for once, lol)