0044. today I don't feel like doing anything.

iTunes: The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars

Mood: Tired

0043. how does it feel to be wrong fucking stupid for so long

So, I'm sure he meant this as a breakup song based on some of the lyrics, but as for the rest of the song? Totally fits today.

It was my last at work and the last day of the short summer semester, and it couldn't fucking come soon enough for my taste. I've been super stressed out lately (um, duh) and most of it has come from... you guessed it - work and school. Mostly school because this Algebra class has seriously KICKED MY ASS for some reason. Probably because I suck at math anyway and the teacher is a moron, but I digress. I'll retake the class, pass it, and pull my GPA back up where it's supposed to be.

Once I let go of the all the stress I was putting on myself with trying to pass the class, I was doing fine. I hated my job, but I was working in the back with BossLady and my new friend M and we got along great... until the night of the Jewelry Party. BossLady's 16 year old daughter let my 5 year old watch a zombie movie in the kid's room and of course I was NOT OK with that. I said something to the 16 year old, and BossLady was not okay with that (I'm condensing the story in case I've already told it).

Ever since then, BossLady will only speak to me if it's work-related, she gives me the cold shoulder, and I found out today that she gave the other work studies time off (WITH PAY) so that I would have to work out in the front so that I wouldn't have to be in the office alone with her while M was in class. I'm sorry, but how freaking childish is that??? I know I've mentioned before that BossLady likes to gossip and stuff, but I figured that was just her trying to stay on our level since she's so much older than us. Nope. She really is that immature. She asked M "How could you be friends with her" referring to me when M was texting me before I came into work the other day.

When I woke up this morning, I dreaded going to work. Seriously. My stomach hurt so bad that I could barely eat anything, and I have to eat or I can't take my meds. I ended up not taking them because I couldn't get anything down - I was too afraid I'd end up throwing it all back up. And even though I'm hugely relieved not to have to go back unless I have student-related stuff... but I'm also worried because she's the ONLY person there who certifies my attendance for the VA. If I don't get certified, I don't get paid. And with her attitude of late, I have to wonder if she will mess with my paperwork for next fall. She knows that I depend on my GI Bill money to survive financially. I'd hope that she wouldn't take food out of my child's mouth, but at this point I wouldn't put anything past her.

I'm going to have to put this blog on private for a while, I think. Or maybe just this post.

I'm so tired and so frustrated. I want to go to PK and cry, but if I told him about all this mess, he'd either tell me to suck it up (since he has to deal with multiple assholes like BL at his job on a daily basis) or he'd go punch the bitch in the face for making me cry and possibly threatening his family's financial stability. Probably option #2, since you don't fuck with his baby girl. Since I don't want him to go punch her in the face and ensure that she never certifies me again, I want to go lay my head in my mommy's lap and cry. Except oh wait, I can't do that either. She's on vacation in Florida and I have to go take care of her animals and water her plants (already did that today - I'm a good daughter). GODDAMNIT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A HERMIT???

0042. tearing my hair out

iTunes: "Get the Party Started" - Pink (BossLady's music)
Mood: stupid

Algebra test next Monday and I'm not prepared. I got a 28 on my last test. Yes, you read that right. A 28. I've never made a 28 before. Ever. In fact, the lowest grade I've made before now is a 68.

Math has never been my strongest suit, but I can't help but feeling like I'm stupid. I know that I'm not, but I still can't help feeling like I am. I'm studying with my dad as often as I can, staying up entirely too late and paying the price for it by falling asleep during the day and becoming an emotional crying/screaming mess when I'm supposed to be at work or in class.

It's not pretty. I've found myself apologizing more often than not to my co-workers when I start babbling or sobbing over something completely trivial. BossLady asked me this morning how my day was going so far and I burst into tears.

"Apparently not well."

Nope, not at all. My next test is Monday, it's only Tuesday, but I'm already convinced that I'm not going to do well. And even though I know having this defeatist attitude will do me no good, I can't help but have it. I don't understand anything about the f(x), the g(x) or what the fuck one has to do with the other. I'm praying that my stepdad has both the time and the patience to teach me both because at this point, I'm going to fail hard if I don't figure something out, and I don't want to retake this class. I've never had to retake a class and I'm not about to start now!

I've got 2 weeks of class left and 3 tests (including the final) remaining. I will get this done.

0041. no really, we have an answer.

Dear MAMAKITTY,

You have been selected as an alternate to the Medical Radiography Program
at San Jacinto College Central Campus. You are one of several alternate
candidates for enrollment in the fall semester of 2011.

If one of the primary candidates fails to attend orientation or does
not accept their selection, an alternate candidate will be chosen. You will be
contacted and given first right of refusal for admittance if selected.

If you will not enroll if accepted for the fall semester, please advise
us so that we can provide an opportunity to another qualified candidate.

What does this mean for me? Well for one, it means I'm living on my disability income, which is fairly small. PK makes good money, but not good enough to support both of us. This means unless I get that alternate spot (which isn't likely from what I've heard), I have to get a good paying job. I'm going to apply to about a million spots on hiremymom.com tomorrow AND I'm going to start applying to IRL jobs as soon as we get back from Italy.

I'm also going to start another account and I'm going to put money away, but I'm probably not going to be able to save a whole helluva lot of money in a month and a half. I might just have to dip into the Italy fund. I think my living fund would be more important, don't you?

Sigh. This sucks.

0040. the results are in. maybe.

iTunes: None
Mood: Crushed

Got an email from the Medical Imaging program director. It says:

Letters are being sent as we speak.
FYI. The minimum acceptance numbers are
as follows:
GPA 3.55
SAT 1130
ACT 25

My GPA is 3.53, which is what I applied with. I've never taken the SATs. If I had applied with my ACT score, it's 24. Any way you look at it, I'm fucked.

When I ran into one of the counselors in the hallway, he noticed that I was crying and I told him what the email said. He said that the information he saw said they were accepting 3.5 flat, and he'd check to see if they'd sent out the roster yet. He'll drop by later and let me know. I leave in 30 minutes, so if he doesn't I'll have to stop by his office. I'm not holding out much hope.

What a shitty day. Shitty, shitty day.

0039.

iTunes: None. I'm at work.
Mood: Lost/Confused


I'm... lost. Confused. Something. I don't know anymore. I want to work, I do. I hate being bored. But I don't know what I want to do with my life. I like being an administrative assistant, but that's such a difficult field to work in these days because of the economy and it's vast suckage. I far prefer blogging and social networking (which I know you can make money from at home - but I don't know how to break into that world... I'm looking into it via hiremymom.com).

I like school, but at the same time I'M SO TIRED OF IT. And if I get into this program, I've got 2 more freaking years of it. I know 2 years isn't a long time, but it's 2 more years. At least if I get into the program I won't be able to work anymore.

Shit, maybe I should quit anyway. I'm stressed out and I want to rip every bit of my hair out. Do you know that I actually dream of going for a run, and I hate running? But I know that working out is a MAJOR source of stress relief, so I dream about running.


The Medical Imaging program director said that if I haven't received an email stating if I have or haven't made it into the program, to either call or email. Well, I called this morning and they have a recording up with something saying if you have questions about MRI, Sonography, or Mammography, call these extensions (I'm applying for X-ray/Radiography). So, of course, I had to email. This means I have to wait longer. Smart, grasshopers. very smart.


This also means I have more time to ponder... Do I really want to do the X-Ray program? Do I really want to do 2 more years of school when I've already done enough classes (85 credit hours... I'm a freaking Junior!) to have a degree in General Studies? I'm so freaking sick of school I could vomit (probably literally).


I know I'm only 28, but I want to stay at home and be with the kid(s)... and God help me, I want to have more. I want to have another baby with PK. I don't think I can do that if I go back to work. Then again, we can't afford to have another kid if I'm not working, so it's kind of a vicious cycle there isn't it?


I don't know what to do!!! Why can't God just put a flashing neon sign in front of me. "HEY MAMAKITTY! This is what you're supposed to do with you're life. And guess what! You're going to LOVE IT!!!"

0038. don't you forget

iTunes: "It's my life" - No Doubt
mood: almost defeated

I have a test on Thursday in Algebra and I have almost no idea what we're doing. Today, I had my first breakthrough. I'm hoping that when I go to tutoring later I'll be able to remember what the fuck we did. I'm hoping even more than when I sit down with my dad I'll be able to remember what the fuck's going on.

I'm so tired that I can barely remember my name at this point. I'm not sleeping well, and even coffee can barely keep me awake. Even when I go to sleep at a decent hour, I don't sleep through the night. I'm going to take my doc's advice and pick up either some Tylenol PM or some Benadryl, which is apparently the same thing, but Tylenol PM has Tylenol in it (which I need for the constant pain I'm in).

I've also been rethinking my career goals. I don't want to be a nurse, and haven't wanted to be one for a while. I love blogging, but don't always have anything interesting to say, which is a big reason why I don't blog here consistently. I don't think y'all want to hear me whining about how much pain I'm always in, how much I hate my job, or always talking about the funny thing Monkey did or said all the time (ok that last one is probably ok - I have a really cute kid). But when I don't get a lot of comments (especially over on MKR, and especially when I'm actively going to other blogs and commenting on theirs, I tend to get a little butthurt and I want to give up).

So, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? The truth is, I don't really know. When I was an administrative assistant, I was really freaking good at it. Sure, there were times I'd get bored and read at work or twitter (when they allowed it - sometimes they blocked the site, the bastards), but sor the most part, I was fucking GREAT at my job.

So the question is... do I go back to that world if the medical jobs and the work-at-home jobs don't pan out? More than likely. I can't live off of disability, as much as I'd like to. I'd love to stay at home, take care of the house work and be a stay at home mom. I'd make Donna Reed look like a trashy trailer house mom (I say that being someone who grew up in a trailer -- granted, my mom always kept a beautiful home and we would bleach everything, literally, once a week, but I digress).

I feel so lost and I hate this! I just want to know what to do with my life. And I want to stop being so fucking tired and in pain all the time.