0042. tearing my hair out

iTunes: "Get the Party Started" - Pink (BossLady's music)
Mood: stupid

Algebra test next Monday and I'm not prepared. I got a 28 on my last test. Yes, you read that right. A 28. I've never made a 28 before. Ever. In fact, the lowest grade I've made before now is a 68.

Math has never been my strongest suit, but I can't help but feeling like I'm stupid. I know that I'm not, but I still can't help feeling like I am. I'm studying with my dad as often as I can, staying up entirely too late and paying the price for it by falling asleep during the day and becoming an emotional crying/screaming mess when I'm supposed to be at work or in class.

It's not pretty. I've found myself apologizing more often than not to my co-workers when I start babbling or sobbing over something completely trivial. BossLady asked me this morning how my day was going so far and I burst into tears.

"Apparently not well."

Nope, not at all. My next test is Monday, it's only Tuesday, but I'm already convinced that I'm not going to do well. And even though I know having this defeatist attitude will do me no good, I can't help but have it. I don't understand anything about the f(x), the g(x) or what the fuck one has to do with the other. I'm praying that my stepdad has both the time and the patience to teach me both because at this point, I'm going to fail hard if I don't figure something out, and I don't want to retake this class. I've never had to retake a class and I'm not about to start now!

I've got 2 weeks of class left and 3 tests (including the final) remaining. I will get this done.

0041. no really, we have an answer.

Dear MAMAKITTY,

You have been selected as an alternate to the Medical Radiography Program
at San Jacinto College Central Campus. You are one of several alternate
candidates for enrollment in the fall semester of 2011.

If one of the primary candidates fails to attend orientation or does
not accept their selection, an alternate candidate will be chosen. You will be
contacted and given first right of refusal for admittance if selected.

If you will not enroll if accepted for the fall semester, please advise
us so that we can provide an opportunity to another qualified candidate.

What does this mean for me? Well for one, it means I'm living on my disability income, which is fairly small. PK makes good money, but not good enough to support both of us. This means unless I get that alternate spot (which isn't likely from what I've heard), I have to get a good paying job. I'm going to apply to about a million spots on hiremymom.com tomorrow AND I'm going to start applying to IRL jobs as soon as we get back from Italy.

I'm also going to start another account and I'm going to put money away, but I'm probably not going to be able to save a whole helluva lot of money in a month and a half. I might just have to dip into the Italy fund. I think my living fund would be more important, don't you?

Sigh. This sucks.

0040. the results are in. maybe.

iTunes: None
Mood: Crushed

Got an email from the Medical Imaging program director. It says:

Letters are being sent as we speak.
FYI. The minimum acceptance numbers are
as follows:
GPA 3.55
SAT 1130
ACT 25

My GPA is 3.53, which is what I applied with. I've never taken the SATs. If I had applied with my ACT score, it's 24. Any way you look at it, I'm fucked.

When I ran into one of the counselors in the hallway, he noticed that I was crying and I told him what the email said. He said that the information he saw said they were accepting 3.5 flat, and he'd check to see if they'd sent out the roster yet. He'll drop by later and let me know. I leave in 30 minutes, so if he doesn't I'll have to stop by his office. I'm not holding out much hope.

What a shitty day. Shitty, shitty day.

0039.

iTunes: None. I'm at work.
Mood: Lost/Confused


I'm... lost. Confused. Something. I don't know anymore. I want to work, I do. I hate being bored. But I don't know what I want to do with my life. I like being an administrative assistant, but that's such a difficult field to work in these days because of the economy and it's vast suckage. I far prefer blogging and social networking (which I know you can make money from at home - but I don't know how to break into that world... I'm looking into it via hiremymom.com).

I like school, but at the same time I'M SO TIRED OF IT. And if I get into this program, I've got 2 more freaking years of it. I know 2 years isn't a long time, but it's 2 more years. At least if I get into the program I won't be able to work anymore.

Shit, maybe I should quit anyway. I'm stressed out and I want to rip every bit of my hair out. Do you know that I actually dream of going for a run, and I hate running? But I know that working out is a MAJOR source of stress relief, so I dream about running.


The Medical Imaging program director said that if I haven't received an email stating if I have or haven't made it into the program, to either call or email. Well, I called this morning and they have a recording up with something saying if you have questions about MRI, Sonography, or Mammography, call these extensions (I'm applying for X-ray/Radiography). So, of course, I had to email. This means I have to wait longer. Smart, grasshopers. very smart.


This also means I have more time to ponder... Do I really want to do the X-Ray program? Do I really want to do 2 more years of school when I've already done enough classes (85 credit hours... I'm a freaking Junior!) to have a degree in General Studies? I'm so freaking sick of school I could vomit (probably literally).


I know I'm only 28, but I want to stay at home and be with the kid(s)... and God help me, I want to have more. I want to have another baby with PK. I don't think I can do that if I go back to work. Then again, we can't afford to have another kid if I'm not working, so it's kind of a vicious cycle there isn't it?


I don't know what to do!!! Why can't God just put a flashing neon sign in front of me. "HEY MAMAKITTY! This is what you're supposed to do with you're life. And guess what! You're going to LOVE IT!!!"

0038. don't you forget

iTunes: "It's my life" - No Doubt
mood: almost defeated

I have a test on Thursday in Algebra and I have almost no idea what we're doing. Today, I had my first breakthrough. I'm hoping that when I go to tutoring later I'll be able to remember what the fuck we did. I'm hoping even more than when I sit down with my dad I'll be able to remember what the fuck's going on.

I'm so tired that I can barely remember my name at this point. I'm not sleeping well, and even coffee can barely keep me awake. Even when I go to sleep at a decent hour, I don't sleep through the night. I'm going to take my doc's advice and pick up either some Tylenol PM or some Benadryl, which is apparently the same thing, but Tylenol PM has Tylenol in it (which I need for the constant pain I'm in).

I've also been rethinking my career goals. I don't want to be a nurse, and haven't wanted to be one for a while. I love blogging, but don't always have anything interesting to say, which is a big reason why I don't blog here consistently. I don't think y'all want to hear me whining about how much pain I'm always in, how much I hate my job, or always talking about the funny thing Monkey did or said all the time (ok that last one is probably ok - I have a really cute kid). But when I don't get a lot of comments (especially over on MKR, and especially when I'm actively going to other blogs and commenting on theirs, I tend to get a little butthurt and I want to give up).

So, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? The truth is, I don't really know. When I was an administrative assistant, I was really freaking good at it. Sure, there were times I'd get bored and read at work or twitter (when they allowed it - sometimes they blocked the site, the bastards), but sor the most part, I was fucking GREAT at my job.

So the question is... do I go back to that world if the medical jobs and the work-at-home jobs don't pan out? More than likely. I can't live off of disability, as much as I'd like to. I'd love to stay at home, take care of the house work and be a stay at home mom. I'd make Donna Reed look like a trashy trailer house mom (I say that being someone who grew up in a trailer -- granted, my mom always kept a beautiful home and we would bleach everything, literally, once a week, but I digress).

I feel so lost and I hate this! I just want to know what to do with my life. And I want to stop being so fucking tired and in pain all the time.

0036. you're amazing just the way you are

Monkey and I spent the weekend with my Aunt G and Uncle M. Twin and I grew up spending weekends with them, so being at their house brought back a lot of memories (even though it's not the house they lived in while Twin and I were growing up... they just had a new place built, and it's absolutely gorgeous). We swam in the pool, hung out by the water, ate dinner together, and watched tv until we passed out. What's unusual is that I was the one who woke up early. Normally, I sleep until Aunt G literally drags me out of bed. But for some reason, I was up at 5:30. Probably because I've been waking up for school. That, and I wasn't sleeping next to my husband, who had band practice and had to stay home for the weekend.

Yes, I'm one of Those Women. I'm so accustomed to sleeping next to her man that I find it difficult to sleep without him. Also, sleeping next to my daughter, who routinely tosses, turns, and kicks me in the back is kind of difficult. LOL.

Anyway. While Aunt G and I were watching Sunday Morning, there was a section on Blogging and we got to talking about MKR. I mentioned how I wished that I could devote more time to it. I love reading, I love blogging, and I know that I can make money blogging, but I don't have the time to do it right now because I have to be able to make money in the mean time until the blog takes off.

She mentioned that she has a friend in her neighborhood who runs a website where moms can work from home. I've heard of schemes like that before so I kind of went "yeah right" and humored her... until she actually showed me the site. She's been featured on the local news here, but she's also been featured in nationally syndicated magazines. I haven't called or written to the lady yet (it's still Sunday as I'm writing this) but I plan to do so after I get off work tomorrow. Why? Because I desperately want to quit my job.

It's not that I'm not grateful to BossLady for helping me out when I was in a bind. I am. But I can't deal with whiny ass brats or idiots all the time right now. I think working from home might be just what I need until I can get through school and get my meds straight (just had them adjusted again).

0035. and it begins again

Summer classes began on Monday. I'm only taking two this time around, so you'd figure less stress. Well, you're partially right. I'm taking Intro to Computers, which is gonna be an incredibly easy class because it's... An introduction to computers. You literally learn all the parts of the computer, what they do, about the Internet, etc. It actually asked ms what a blog is. I shit you not. I'm totally gonna ace that class.

But.

I'm also taking algebra. And I suck at math. I took Tech Math last summer and got a B, so I don't actually need this class bin taking it because I need a class for my GI Bill (my source of income), I have to be in school in order to be a work-study, and I'll need College Algebra for my Bachelor's, so I figured "Why not?" I guess I should've said "No!" and stayed away instead. Or maybe picked another teacher. The one I chose was the one I had for Tech, and I'm pretty sure the only reason I passed Tech was because my dad stayed up til midnight almost every night tutoring me.

Anyway. I had a pretty severe panic attack at work the other day. I've been stressed out and not sleeping very well. My class starts at 7:30, and in order to get Monkey to my mom's in time to get to class on time, I have to wake up at 5:30 so we can walk out the door between 6:40-6:50. I don't normally go to bed til about 11 and I tend to wake up several times a night. Definitely not enough sleep. I walk around like a fucking zombie because I'm always *so* tired.

My psychiatrist recommended that I quit work last semester because I was under so much stress. She was probably right, I probably should have and probably still should, but I can't afford to do that while I'm trying to save up for Italy. Or, y'know, trying to save money, period. We might be comfortable, but we're not exactly rolling in it.

Still, it'd be so nice not to have to worry about going to work. I could just worry about school and the house... Focus more on things I actually want to do (like read and my blog - which I've kind of dropped lately since the people who've volunteered to help me haven't bothered and I feel like I'm fucking drowning with everything else going on in my life) and I'd love it. At least I think I'd love it. Grass is greener, and all that.