0012. leavin on a jet plane...

I didn't have time to really write a blog, and I had stuff to ramble about. So, I did a new vlog (and I'm sorry it's so long. There's a special surprise if you watch it all. Ok, it's actually in the first minute or so, but still. It's only 4:51 minutes long)...

Ok, you caught me. Jaime has me addicted to vlogging now. Remind me to shake my fist at her later. Or give her a hug. I haven't decided yet.



Oh! And tonight, Stella Price tweeted me and told me that while I'm in NYC I should pop over to New Jersey and attend the Authors After Dark free signing. I checked out the guest list and am dying to go!!! I asked PK and he said that MAYYYYYBE we can go. He's not sure because we're gonna be super busy, but we might go. Maybe. He's not sure, and I know that he doesn't want to go AT ALL (he's totally not a reader - how did I manage that?) so, yeah. We'll see.

0011. Hurricane Ike... Two years Later

So, I bowed down to peer pressure (I'm talking to you, Jaime!) and made my first ever vlog. I'll probably be pulling it down next week because I'm shy about having my face on the web. And my voice. And everything. Yeah, I'm weird. And a paranoid freak.

Anyway. This is my first vlog. It's unscripted and babbly. I'm sure I sound like a huge dork... and looking at it now, the sound is slightly off and it looks kind of freaky (sorry about that!) I'm posting a slide show of the pictures I took after Hurricane Ike. I need to go around and take some more pictures, but well, I haven't had a huge amount of time in the past... forever.

0010. it's so hot and i need some air

I posted over at the Twitloss blog today, and kind of went way off in the other direction of what I usually post. Why? Because I've got heavy stuff on my mind and I had something to say.

My friend, who I'll call Smith (he works with PK as a locksmith) was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago and underwent brain surgery to remove a tumor on the 1st of this month. He is not the first person I've met with cancer... I actually shared a womb with someone who had cancer.

My twin was diagnosed with Burkitt's Lymphoma when we were 3 years old and spent the next year at Texas Children's Hospital. I lived with my maternal grandparents at the time, because my parents were divorced and my mom was living at the hospital with Twin. He's been in remission and "cancer free" for the past 24 years (praise God and hallelujah!), but he's just the first in a long line of people that I know who have had cancer:

• maternal grandmother (died)
• maternal grandfather (died)
• paternal grandmother (died)
• paternal grandfather (in remission)
• maternal aunt (died)
• maternal great aunt (died)
• paternal uncle (in remission)

This is just the list I can think of off the top of my head, and doesn't count the family members with skin cancer. That list should basically say "everyone on my mom's side of the family" because pretty much everyone has had something removed/burned off. This is why I'm terrified of the sun and have SPF in everything - makeup, lotion, lipstick, chapstick, etc.

This is also why I am super fucking paranoid about my health and my daughter's health. I don't want to take risks with either one of us. They used to make fun of me in the military for going to the doctor all the time, but because I have such a thoroughly documented medical record, I get 70% disability and free healthcare (for my service-connected disabilities) through the VA. My daughter didn't lose her hearing when her ear infections got so bad that they required surgery... twice. So yes, I fully advocate going to the doctor when you're sick and getting regular yearly physicals. That's actually how Smith was diagnosed - his doctor refused to refill his blood pressure medication without a full physical, and he found a lump on Smith's lymph nodes in his neck.

Smith is doing really well, and I'm happy to say that as of this morning, he was due to be released today. I know he's ready to be at home and to start the long road ahead of him (chemo and radiation). He's a strong person and a wonderful guy. I'm praying that the treatment works fast and that he's healed quickly.

Even though he's doing as well as he is, it was really hard for me to see him in the hospital last night. I'm not used to seeing Smith in any capacity other than having fun and living a full happy life. Add that to the fact that hospitals are kind of traumatizing for me (when people I care about are being treated... not when I'm working there - for those that are worried about my decision the be a nurse), and by the time I got home last night, I think I cried about 2 gallons AND I called almost everyone I know that smokes and begged them to quit (including my mother, my cousin, and PK).

PK's at rehearsal tonight, so I'm going to cuddle with Monkey for a little while, then I'm going to do some much-needed studying. Hopefully reading about Texas History, Government, and Medical Terminology will get my mind off of things. I'm pretty sure it'll put me to sleep. LOL.


iTunes: Britney Spears - Breathe on me
Mood: pensive & a little sad

0009. and i fall in love with you

iTunes: Something like Silas - I fall
Mood: frustrated

I had things to talk about. And they were important things. But I can't remember what they were, and honestly I'm too tired to pull something out of thin air. So, I'm going to post a music video of the song that's currently stuck in my head to distract you from my complete and total lameness.

0008. nothing about you is typical

iTunes: Britney Spears - Unusual You
Mood: irritated

We got a call at 1:00am saying that one of our friends had been involved in an accident. This friend has had his share of accidents, so I'm sorry to say that we weren't incredibly surprised. In fact, he's nearly killed PK twice in a matter of months. They were in such a bad accident that PK broke his chest. Yes. His chest. It's possible to do, I promise.

Our friend is ok, which also isn't much of a shock. He's never the one that gets hurt when he tears off in his suped up car. We're waiting on information about our other friend who was in the car. The last we heard, he was bleeding out of his ears and being taken to the hospital.

PK and I have been talking about the friend who was driving and have decided that Monkey will never ride in the car with him. Neither will I. PK is a grown man who is capable of making his own decisions, and sometimes he does get into the car with our friend, but he's always scared to do so... so most of the time, he insists that he (PK) drive instead. I've let my younger brother ride home with our friend a few times, but I'll be refusing that offer next time, despite the fact that they only live down the street from each other.

It's not that I don't like or trust our friend. I just don't trust his driving. He's reckless and doesn't care about anyone except himself. I'm very close to one of his daughters, and I'm terrified that I'm going to have to hold her while she cries when he kills himself or someone else.

PK has tried to talk to our friend. His parents have talked to him. His friends have talked to him. I don't think that me saying something would help if everyone else hasn't helped. This accident was minor, and apparently his car doesn't even have that much damage. But he and another friend spent the night in the hospital because of his recklessness and hotrodding. And he laughed about it this morning when he talked to PK! "Oh, I don't remember why the accident happened. But I do know that my car isn't really that messed up..." He doesn't remember having the accident, but he knows the exact damage done to his car? Sorry, I don't buy it. He just doesn't want to admit that he fucked up again and that he was being stupid and dangerous and could have killed someone.

He hasn't yet. But if he doesn't pull his shit together SOON I'm afraid that he will.

0007. you fall away from your past but it's following you

iTunes: The Fray - Fall away
Mood: Tired, but happy

Monkey's first day of Kindergarten was today. When I went to wake her up this morning, she was resistant at first (even grunting at me when I told her it was time to get up), but when I told her it was time to go to her big girl school, she jumped right out of bed and ran to the shower so she could have her hair all nice & curly for her first day of big girl school.

I got her to school early (which is kind of a first for me, since I'm chronically late for everything) and we sat in the parking lot for a minute while I did my makeup and she bounced up and down in the backseat asking if it was time to go inside yet and if she could raid her Tinkerbell lunchkit because she was "starving for cookies". When it was finally time, I took her picture at the entrance of the school and we made our way to her class.

The minute we saw her teacher, she turned into the shy kid she was pretending to be last Friday when I took her to meet her teacher (She actually screamed when the principal tried to get down on his knee -so he was at her level- and shake her hand last week). I took her into the classroom, showed her where she stowed her lunchkit and grabbed her nametag. The kids have to wear a badge with their name and picture on it kind of like I have to at work or the highschool kids do...

To be honest, that kind of weirded me out and made me feel safer at the same time. At least I know that there won't be any random people walking around the school without someone going "Hey, where's your badge and have you checked in at the front office" now. Though... a 5 year old running around a school? Kind of makes me wonder what kind of kidnapper/terrorist they're expecting. I know, I'm a paranoid freak.

Anyway. We got her situated, and she chose to sit in front of a pink jar of play dough at the green table (I don't know why that was significant) and I took more pictures. Then, she fave me the look. You know, the "are you really leaving me here alone?" look.


This is the part where I started crying.

I gave her a big hug and a kiss (ok, several), and made myself leave. I knew that if I didn't leave right at that point, I was going to grab her up and take her with me. But I know that I've got to let my baby girl grow up at some point, and since there's not much I can do about her being 5 and ready for Kindergarten, I sort of have to now. I don't like it, but I'm accepting it. Sort of.
I just keep remembering when I first had her... she was so tiny and small and helpless. totally dependent on me. And now I'm taking her to Kindergarten... I know I've got 12 more years of this stuff, but it feels like I'll be watching her graduate from high school next week. I mean, it sure as hell feels like I just found out I was pregnant with her yesterday, and that was almost 6 years ago!
I know, this is something that every mother goes through. Doesn't make it any easier to watch my little girl start to grow into her own little person. She's got such fire and personality in her. She's truly the best thing that I have ever done in my life, and the best thing to ever happen to me.

I need to go give her a squeeze now, even though it's way past her bed time. Just one little squeeze. She won't even wake up. No, really. I sneak in there for cuddles all the time. She sleeps like a log, but I still get my sleepy baby cuddles.

In other, non mommy-stalker news.... (LOL)

Work went pretty good today. We were busy as hell because it's the last day for registration, but I kept my cool and was level-headed. Even when I was the only work study up there and when my boss had to leave for an hour. I got more than a few compliments on how sweet/nice/polite/professional I was when people were leaving the office. I just think about all the times that I've had to go up there and deal with the unprofessional rude jackasses before (not necessarily in my office - there are other offices around there that I hate going to specifically), and I don't want people walking out of there with a bad taste in their mouths.

So, yeah. Work is going pretty good. It's kind of stressful, but I think I take a lot of that stress onto myself. I only have to work 25 hours a week, but I've already put in more than 80 in the 2 weeks and 1 day that I've been there.

I really enjoy working again, if I want to be completely honest. I don't like the feeling of having nothing to do. And even with all the schoolwork I know I'm going to have, I know that if I need the time off to study, I can take it. I know that if things get too crazy around the house (read: I slack off so much on the housework that it looks like a tornado hit the interior), I can take a day off and clean.

But right now, I don't have to. I'm stacking up hours so that I can take 2 days off during September when PK takes me to New York and still get paid for them. Not to mention the 3 days we'll have off for Thanksgiving, and the nearly 2 weeks we'll have off for Christmas. WOO!

It's late and I'm getting tired. Well, I guess I should say MORE tired, because I've been tired since before I got home. I had every intention of making dinner and going to bed tonight. But the food I made was good, and then PK wanted to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (he fell asleep on the couch about 20 minutes before the end of it). Now, it's getting ready to storm and I'm getting ready to go listen to it.

Good night all. Sweet dreams and all that stuff.

0006. I am Switzerland

iTunes: nothing
Mood: tired

I am quite possibly one of the most non-confrontational people you'll ever meet. No really. If given the choice between getting into a fight and running away, I'll run away. To the other end of the earth.

I have to clarify here - when it comes to my family, I will fight to the death. But the every day shit? No. I won't fight.

That might make me a pussy, but I'd just rather not deal with all the drama and bullshit that comes with fighting.

So from here on out, consider me Switzerland.