0054. confused and irritated

iTunes: none - watching Big Bang Theory

Mood: confused, irritated, sad, and yet still have a bit of happy thrown in there.

So I'll start out with the bad and go to the good.

First: PK's out of town on business. This makes me sad. Why? Well, he's my husband and I love him, for one. And sleeping without him next to me isn't easy. For whatever reason, I've become used to the chainsaw buzzing that is his snoring, and it's even soothing to me. I know, I'm weird. I am happy that he went to this conference, because it means more opportunities for him at work (which will hopefully lead to him getting a nice raise, lol) and it means more contacts in his industry. So, I know that this trip will be good for him, business-wise, but personally.... it sucks. I miss my PK.

I'm confused and irritated because of stuff that happened in school. See, there's this guy in my class from last semester, who suddenly stopped talking to me. Like, flat out refused to talk to me. I never knew what it was that I did, but there were times when he was just plain RUDE to me in his desire to avoid speaking to me. I've always been nice to him, because I'm usually pretty nice to everyone. I don't like confrontation, so in an effort to avoid it, I'm a nice as I can be to everyone. Anyway. One of my friends from clinic this semester is in lab with this guy. My friend told me that the guy was talking to another girl in our class, one who I thought I was at least on acquaintance terms with, if not friendly, but I guess I was wrong... the guy was telling the girl that I'm crazy and rude and so my friend asks why they think that. The guy says that he doesn't like me because I'm "bipolar and psycho" and he asks the other girl (who is in my classes with me - the guy and my friend are in the other group of students, so we don't have classes together... it's a little confusing, I know) if I'm "as bad as [I] was last semester", and she actually said I was worse! I'm so confused, because I don't really talk much in class, if ever. I have a paralyzing fear that whatever I say will be wrong. When my friend stepped in to defend me, telling them that I'm nice, they told her that she must be a psycho too.

What the fuck?? How dare they pick on me about the fact that I'm bipolar. No, I don't try to hide it. I'm proud of the fact that I've got my issues under control. I'm medicated and staying that way. I'm going to therapy. At least I'm trying to work through my shit. Most people ignore it until it's a big fucking problem and it destroys them or someone else. So why am I psycho for it? I think I'm actually the opposite of psycho, thank you very little. And how the fuck am I rude??? I'm all peaches and cream, smiling and shit at school. At home might be a little different (I once told my BFF that I used up all my nice during the day at school, and at one point I thought I might've been serious about it)

I shouldn't worry so much about it. It's just drama I don't need and I really did have a good day today. I shot a lot of x-rays today and had some really awesome patients. I did see my first trauma though, which was... well, it was kind of traumatic, actually. I can't talk about the specifics of my patients' cases, but the trauma I saw today was an attempted suicide. Look like the patient will be ok, but it was so heart-breaking to see.

I also shot my first pediatric x-rays today... three different pediatric patients, actually! My first one was a little girl who needed a chest and 2 abdomen x-rays. She was younger than Monkey and so quiet. She just stood there, stock-still, and staring up at us. I gave her stickers because she was such a great patient. My next two pediatric patients were just as awesome. And they weren't my only good patients - I had several older patients (ok, everyone's older than the pediatric patients, lol) who were just fantastic.

So really, other than finding out about the two assholes in my class, I had a really good day. And I'm not going to let them bring me down. This is going to be a good semester, dammit! :)

0053. fill me up and make me whole again

Like any teenager, I had struggles with my faith, but after that initial "I'm not sure..." I've been very strong in my devotion to God. I haven't gone to church in three years, but I've always let people in my life know where my heart lies.

Except.

Lately, I've felt an emptiness that listening to KSBJ and saying a quick little prayer just doesn't fill (and keep filled) anymore.

I know that I'm battling with a bout of depression that's battling on mania. I don't want to slip back into a downphase. I screwed up on my meds when we moved because it got packed accidentally and it took me a while to adjust to being here... lame excuses for not taking my very important medication, I know, but there it is. I messed up, and now I'm battling a downphase. I'm battling with all my might.

This is a bit of a long story, so bear with me.

While I was working for the VA, I knew a girl (a fellow veteran) who was trying to get into the nursing program. She was nice and has a son who is Monkey's age. I found out that she lived (literally) right down the street from me, so we exchanged phone numbers with the thought that maybe the kids could play together. I never called her because I'm lame and have mild agoraphobia. My comfort zone is my house, so logically I could've asked them to come to my place, but PK's weird and doesn't like people that he doesn't know at the house, even if I know them. Makes things a little difficult when I need to study.

Anyway. I later had a class with this girl, and we became friends. We renewed out interest in getting the kids together, but as the class progressed, I became more stressed out because the class was so difficult. I later ended up dropping the class (sort of - long story) but before I left, I handed her an invite to Monkey's birthday party for her son. They didn't show, and I assumed we'd never see each other again.

Fast forward to last semester. I'm in my x-ray classes, and one day while I'm in the halls between classes (it's in the Health Sciences building), who should I run into but my friend! She made it into the nursing program! We see each other in the hallway often, but we never get to talk more often than "Hi, how are you doing? Classes are really hard. I've got to go to my next class. Hope the family's doing well. See you later."

After the semester and my mini-semester were both over, I ran into my friend at the bank. We talked for a few minutes, laughing because we'd never seen each other in the three years we'd lived there and been banking there, but suddenly we were seeing each other everywhere.

Two days later, we ran into each other at the store. I was on the phone with my mom and I was talking to her about how stressed out I've been feeling. My friend laughed and said, "Man! We never saw each other before and now we can't seem to stop running into each other!" I laughed and said, "Maybe God's trying to tell us something." She said, "Do you want to go to church with me?" I immediately stopped laughing, my eyes started tearing up, and I said, "Yes, I really do."

It's absolutely amazing to me how God works in our lives. MD and I knew each other through the VA, then school, and the possibility of getting our kids together. But ultimately, I think God put her in my life to get me back into church - something I've been needing for a long time. My heart is full of love for my daughter and my husband, but I need the spiritual fulfillment as well.

I'm so excited to go to church on Sunday!

0052.

I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it. I have all this anger and frustration and fear and I feel like I'm going to fucking explode but I can't tell anyone about it because everyone has their own shit going on and I can't burden them with it because then they'll topple over and I can't do that to them.

So what do I do?

My psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be Wednesday, but my doctor called me that morning and told me that she had a doctor's appointment and wouldn't make it back to her office by 3:30. She did reschedule my appointment for 12:30 on Friday (tomorrow... technically... sort of), so that's a good thing, because if she would've told me that she didn't have an opening for another two months, I might've found a bridge to jump off of.

I had another dream about school the other night, and I'd say it's starting to freak me out, but obviously I've been freaked out. I'm sick of being freaked out. But last semester was so fucking hard and I don't know that I can deal with another semester like that... not when I don't have the kind of support that I need at home.

God, this sucks.

0051. 6 feet from the edge & i'm thinking maybe 6 feet ain't so far down.

My chest is on fire and I feel like I can't breathe because it feels like someone is standing on it. I've felt this way for the past few days. It gets worse when I leave the house. Especially when I go somewhere in public, like the grocery store and it's 10x worse if Monkey is acting up, something's going wrong, PK's pissed at me for something (which is easy to do these days because his job is so fucking hard these days that he's drowning in his own depression and anger)... I'm drowning in stress right now, and my semester hasn't even started yet. And now I'm struggling to keep it together and not to show my husband, my daughter, my brothers, my mother... anyone, just how close I am to the edge.

I have a psychiatrist appointment in 5 days.

I hope I make it.

0050. I'm confused.

I'm putting this on my personal blog, because I know not many people actually read it and I know this would cause an uproar if anyone actually did read it.

There was a boy named Ben Breedlove who recently passed away due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I'm very saddened to hear of his passing - especially on Christmas day. I send my condolences to his family. It's never easy losing a family member, especially when he had come so close to dying so many times before. Believe me, I know. My own mom has been battling her own illness for so many years now, I live in fear that I'm going to get the call one day that she's suddenly no longer with us, and the fear is crippling.

But everyone is talking about the two YouTube videos - parts one and two of his story in which he talks about the three times he cheated death and during the last time, he was unconscious, the EMTs were working on him and he was having a dream or a vision where he was in a white room and he saw Kid Cudi (his favorite rapper who I also love). I was touched by it all until it just ended after he said he didn't want to wake up from the dream/vision, he asked if people believed in God/Angels, said that he did, and that was it.

He basically said that he wanted to die. At least, that's how I interpreted it. I mean, how else can you interpret someone saying that they didn't want to wake up from a dream/vision (while they're essentially dead, because all of his bodily functions weren't working at that point. His heart had stopped, he wasn't breathing, and the EMTs were working desperately to bring him back to life. He says it right there in the video that when you die, your brain still works for a short time. But he was, for all intents and purposes, dead for the 3 minutes that the EMTs were working on him and he was having the vision. And he didn't want to come back from that.

I really do understand wanting that sense of peace. I understand being tired of fighting to stay alive. I've seen my mom fight through her illness for the past 12 years. It's not easy. It's not fun. It's a constant struggle for her just to stand up straight or to breathe most days. But she does it.

I'm very sorry that he passed away. I really am. I don't wish ill on anyone, ever. It's very sad when someone dies. It's even more sad when that person is young and has unfulfilled potential the way that Ben obviously did. I'm just puzzled at certain things about the video. Am I missing a 3rd part of his story? Or did he not get to film the 3rd part because he passed away before he could?

St. Jude Carol of the Bells

0048.

I know I sound like I'm whining when I say this, but it hurts my feelings when my study group leaves me out of the loop. Maybe I leave myself out because I don't drink and they tend to go out all the time but I can still go out with them and have a good time without drinking. In fact, I have MORE fun because I don't drink because I don't fall down and hurt myself AND I get to remember everything that happened! But because I don't drink or act like a 19 year old (despite being a 31 year old mother of 2), I'm blatantly left out of everything. I shouldn't let it bother me. Most of the time it annoys M's when they're a ting like children, but they are still fun to be around... I know, I
Whining and contradicting myself. I hate it when people don't like me. I'm not a horrible, evil person. I might come across as abrasi e sometimes, but I'm really not. I'm what people call "short" with people because I don't have time to deal with things like stupidity and childishness (to name a few things). Even though I'm a Southerner, I've been told I have a Yankee mentality and that turns people off. Funny thing is, when you're my friend, I'll love you forever, have a ton of patience (within limits), and bend myself in a pretzel to help you out. Earn my trust, love, and loyalty, and you're set for life.

I was really hoping I would bond with the people in my class and form these amazing friendships for life sort of like I have with MamaChelle and Nerf... But I guess nothing will ever compare to them because any friendship I've formed since them has paled in comparison. PALED. And these girls.... Sigh.... It's like I'm hanging out with the girls from high school all over again. We just happen to be chronologically older and have children.