0047. Really? Again?

I was in lab today, positioning a "patient" for an xray and I was slightly off. I was only off by a few degrees on the angle, and the instructor was really heavy with her praise, but I took it hard anyway. In fact, I burst into tears.

It's stupid, I know. I had no reason to cry. I'm not doing horribly in positioning class. I'm too hard on myself and I'm stressing out so bad over all of this (school, money, the house, Tessa, Monkey's behavior problems, my sleep problems...) that it really was only a matter of time before I cracked. I tend to bottle things up for so long that I end up exploding after a while. Today just happened to be that day.

Monkey got in trouble again today. And yesterday. Yesterday, she "pushed a friend/name calling" and "poked a student with a sharp pencil". Today, she was "playing on the mat during math time". I'm not sure what to do anymore. She hasn't gotten in trouble for pushing, name calling, or poking with sharp pencils before, but she's gotten in trouble for playing during learning time more than once. She's been grounded, had her dress-up clothes taken away, had her butt popped... What else do I do to make her listen? I can't have her being bad every day.

I pulled out the same speech my mom gave me. "You're not there to make friends. You'll use what you learn in school every day of your life. You have to pay attention in school. You don't play during school except during recess." (I of course immediately called my mom after this and apologized for rolling my eyes at her all through school when she said this to me) Monkey told me she understood, but she always says she understands, then goes right back to school and gets in trouble.

Thing is... She was on "green" today. They're on a stop light system: red light-office, yellow light-warning, green light-good. But she had a substitute teacher today, and she said the teacher just forgot to change her color clip. M actually ratted herself out by telling me that. When I picked her up from daycare, she told me she was on green, I wasn't going to check her binder. I rarely do when she's on "green" since there's usually nothing in there for me to check. But then she went on to tell me that the teacher forgot to change her clip. Oops. Now she's cooped up in her room, not allowed to watch TV (from yesterday), not allowed to play with her Barbies (from today), and waiting for her spanking.

I can't wait for the 27th. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm thinking that I need to up my dosage again, because this shit ain't fucking working.

0046. It's just one of them days (don't take it personal)

It's just one of them days when I wanna be alone. It's just one of them days when I gotta be all alone. (Don't take it personal)


Today sucked. Last week sucked. The week before sucked. The week before that sucked. It seems like it's been one long month of nothing but suck lately and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. it's not that I have a defeatist attitude. Things have just been beyond my control lately to the point that I feel like I'm drowning in shit right now. I'm tired and I feel so run down that I don't know if I can pull myself out of this hole...

And this isn't a good thing, considering how I'm only 3 weeks into my semester and it's only going to get worse - not to mention the fact that my other jobs (mommy/wife/and everything that comes along with those positions) never end. Ever. And what a massive amount of stress that adds!

There wasn't any one thing that was so awful that made me want to tear my hair out today, but I guess it was just everything accumulating over time and people being shitty to me (in subtle ways) and my being overly sensitive because I'm both Bipolar and a stupid Girl that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. A lot. But that would give me a headache and then I'd get pissed off because of the headache, which would make me cry more... It's a cycle and it sucks.

045.

0044. today I don't feel like doing anything.

iTunes: The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars

Mood: Tired

0043. how does it feel to be wrong fucking stupid for so long

So, I'm sure he meant this as a breakup song based on some of the lyrics, but as for the rest of the song? Totally fits today.

It was my last at work and the last day of the short summer semester, and it couldn't fucking come soon enough for my taste. I've been super stressed out lately (um, duh) and most of it has come from... you guessed it - work and school. Mostly school because this Algebra class has seriously KICKED MY ASS for some reason. Probably because I suck at math anyway and the teacher is a moron, but I digress. I'll retake the class, pass it, and pull my GPA back up where it's supposed to be.

Once I let go of the all the stress I was putting on myself with trying to pass the class, I was doing fine. I hated my job, but I was working in the back with BossLady and my new friend M and we got along great... until the night of the Jewelry Party. BossLady's 16 year old daughter let my 5 year old watch a zombie movie in the kid's room and of course I was NOT OK with that. I said something to the 16 year old, and BossLady was not okay with that (I'm condensing the story in case I've already told it).

Ever since then, BossLady will only speak to me if it's work-related, she gives me the cold shoulder, and I found out today that she gave the other work studies time off (WITH PAY) so that I would have to work out in the front so that I wouldn't have to be in the office alone with her while M was in class. I'm sorry, but how freaking childish is that??? I know I've mentioned before that BossLady likes to gossip and stuff, but I figured that was just her trying to stay on our level since she's so much older than us. Nope. She really is that immature. She asked M "How could you be friends with her" referring to me when M was texting me before I came into work the other day.

When I woke up this morning, I dreaded going to work. Seriously. My stomach hurt so bad that I could barely eat anything, and I have to eat or I can't take my meds. I ended up not taking them because I couldn't get anything down - I was too afraid I'd end up throwing it all back up. And even though I'm hugely relieved not to have to go back unless I have student-related stuff... but I'm also worried because she's the ONLY person there who certifies my attendance for the VA. If I don't get certified, I don't get paid. And with her attitude of late, I have to wonder if she will mess with my paperwork for next fall. She knows that I depend on my GI Bill money to survive financially. I'd hope that she wouldn't take food out of my child's mouth, but at this point I wouldn't put anything past her.

I'm going to have to put this blog on private for a while, I think. Or maybe just this post.

I'm so tired and so frustrated. I want to go to PK and cry, but if I told him about all this mess, he'd either tell me to suck it up (since he has to deal with multiple assholes like BL at his job on a daily basis) or he'd go punch the bitch in the face for making me cry and possibly threatening his family's financial stability. Probably option #2, since you don't fuck with his baby girl. Since I don't want him to go punch her in the face and ensure that she never certifies me again, I want to go lay my head in my mommy's lap and cry. Except oh wait, I can't do that either. She's on vacation in Florida and I have to go take care of her animals and water her plants (already did that today - I'm a good daughter). GODDAMNIT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A HERMIT???

0042. tearing my hair out

iTunes: "Get the Party Started" - Pink (BossLady's music)
Mood: stupid

Algebra test next Monday and I'm not prepared. I got a 28 on my last test. Yes, you read that right. A 28. I've never made a 28 before. Ever. In fact, the lowest grade I've made before now is a 68.

Math has never been my strongest suit, but I can't help but feeling like I'm stupid. I know that I'm not, but I still can't help feeling like I am. I'm studying with my dad as often as I can, staying up entirely too late and paying the price for it by falling asleep during the day and becoming an emotional crying/screaming mess when I'm supposed to be at work or in class.

It's not pretty. I've found myself apologizing more often than not to my co-workers when I start babbling or sobbing over something completely trivial. BossLady asked me this morning how my day was going so far and I burst into tears.

"Apparently not well."

Nope, not at all. My next test is Monday, it's only Tuesday, but I'm already convinced that I'm not going to do well. And even though I know having this defeatist attitude will do me no good, I can't help but have it. I don't understand anything about the f(x), the g(x) or what the fuck one has to do with the other. I'm praying that my stepdad has both the time and the patience to teach me both because at this point, I'm going to fail hard if I don't figure something out, and I don't want to retake this class. I've never had to retake a class and I'm not about to start now!

I've got 2 weeks of class left and 3 tests (including the final) remaining. I will get this done.

0041. no really, we have an answer.

Dear MAMAKITTY,

You have been selected as an alternate to the Medical Radiography Program
at San Jacinto College Central Campus. You are one of several alternate
candidates for enrollment in the fall semester of 2011.

If one of the primary candidates fails to attend orientation or does
not accept their selection, an alternate candidate will be chosen. You will be
contacted and given first right of refusal for admittance if selected.

If you will not enroll if accepted for the fall semester, please advise
us so that we can provide an opportunity to another qualified candidate.

What does this mean for me? Well for one, it means I'm living on my disability income, which is fairly small. PK makes good money, but not good enough to support both of us. This means unless I get that alternate spot (which isn't likely from what I've heard), I have to get a good paying job. I'm going to apply to about a million spots on hiremymom.com tomorrow AND I'm going to start applying to IRL jobs as soon as we get back from Italy.

I'm also going to start another account and I'm going to put money away, but I'm probably not going to be able to save a whole helluva lot of money in a month and a half. I might just have to dip into the Italy fund. I think my living fund would be more important, don't you?

Sigh. This sucks.