0024. I can admit when I'm being childish

So my last post was written while fairly drunk and in the middle of a tantrum. I admit that sometimes I can be a bit of a child. I'm 27, not 17. I sometimes have trouble remembering that.

The thing is, with how severe my social anxiety is, I don't want to go out often. PK has routinely told me that I've changed his entire lifestyle because he used to go out all the time and now he never goes out. Of course he gives himself away when I actually want to go somewhere and he tells me that he wants to stay home because he's "so tired" and he "never [gets] to stay home and relax because [he] never [has] time off".

Yes, I know that he works hard and often. I understand that. But why is it only when I want to go out that he's too tired for it? And why is it the things that I want to do that he's tired of (going to a bar in the area - i.e. Maribel's, Scout Bar, Monkey Bar, etc).

Maybe I'm still in the middle of my childish tantrum.

While I'm ranting... We had a "pow-wow" at work yesterday wherein we were told that we all need to help each other out. I found this a bit amusing, since my job entails filing, voicemail, whatever Boss Lady needs in the office, and backing the guys up because they're out front with students. I'd say about 85% of my time is spent in the front or standing in the office helping the guys because they know nothing.

The 2 new guys, I can totally understand why they need help. They've been here less than a month, they're bound to have a few questions here & there. But Lazy has been with us for MONTHS and he still routinely has to ask the most basic simple questions there are! And he made a comment on how the filing wasn't done Thursday afternoon. I'm sorry, would that be the day that we were so busy I didn't even have time to eat lunch? The day that I pick my kid up from school and have to RUN out the door? Yes, I believe so. And he also brought up a day where he asked me a question & I told him that I had to leave. That was on another Tuesday or Thursday. He claims it was 10 minutes before I had to leave, and yet I've routinely been late picking Monkey up because I've been too busy helping his stupid lazy ass out and taking care of students to leave right at 3:00.

I cannot tell you how many times I've told them that if I'm not OUT THE DOOR RIGHT AT 3:00 that I will be late to pick her up. And how many times I've left at 3:05, even as late at 3:10. I don't like it when Monkey is the last kid picked up. I don't like it when it's evident that she's been crying when I pick her up because she thinks Mommy has forgotten her. So fuck you for being upset that I told you I'm leaving and don't have time to answer your stupid ass question. Fuck you twice for implying that I said it 10 minutes before leaving because that shit has NEVER HAPPENED, Mr "I'm out 15 minutes before my shift is actually over".

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? He leaves early. Every day. And he laughs about it! He even left me by myself on a Friday when the entire office was closing at 5:00. We do NOT leave before 5:00 because the Big Boss Lady (the one who's in charge of the entire office) gets pissed if we close our doors one second before 5:00. But our boss was out that day and he & I were the only ones there. He told me that his clock said it was 5:00, so he was leaving. I told him we don't go by our personal clocks, that we go by the one in the office and even then, we don't leave until all the students are gone and/or we've been given permission by TBBL to leave. He left anyway. I should've reported it to our boss, but I didn't because he was new and I didn't want to throw him under the bus like that.

But now? Oh, I can't wait for the first Greyhound to pass by because his ass is getting tossed directly in the line of fire.

0023. What's my age again?

iTunes: "What's my age again" - Blink 182
Mood: slightly tipsy, mostly intoxicated

PK and I went to his Christmas party tonight and we had a lot of fun. I'm not big on social events, considering my social anxiety disorder is usually pretty fucking crippling and most of the time you have to drag me out of the house kicking and screaming (sometimes literally), but i had a really great time ringing. Maybe it was because of the "Perfect Patron Margarita", the 3 filthy dirty martinis (I have to tell the bartender tha he has to either drag the glass through the Gulf of Mexico or pick up a hooker from the French Quarter and make her spit in it and that's how dirty I want my martini), or the "Spiked Iced Tea" (which I took from Camaro and it was freaking fabulous), but I was feeling the urge to go out to the bar with our friends after the party. But PK didn't want to go. Camaro assured me that he'd convince PK to come with.

And we came home at 10:30.

I begged to go out. BEGGED. But he's tired and wants to go home and blah blah blah. Dude! I'm fucking 27 years old. I'm not 50. Twenty-fucking-seven. All of my going out and partying stopped when I got pregnant with Monkey. And when was that? When I was 21. When did I start going out? When I was 21 (remember the crippling social anxiety disorder?). Yeah, I've gone out since then, but I haven't gotten it all out of my system. And it might take me having a few drinks to get in the mood to want to go out, but I sometimes do want to go. And PK's excuse is that he's been to all the funky bars in the area. He's played that scene and whatever. but I haven't!!!

I moved here when I was 17. I moved away (to join the Navy) when I was 19. Not old enough to go to bars. Not old enough to go to dance clubs that are any kind of fun. I want to go out. I want to have a good time. I want to act my goddamned age! PK is 38. That's not old. In fact, most of the time, I complain that he's acting like a fucking child. But tonight, he's acting like an old fucking man and it's irritating the fuck out of me. He was saying how we never go out and his "Rock Star Lifestyle" is over because he's a husband (he's not) and a father (ok, he kinda is) and now he's saying he's too tired to go to a fucking bar for a drink.

What the fuck ever.

0022. the beat was going strong playing my favorite song

iTunes: "I love rock & roll" - Britney Spears

Mood: tired, slightly irritated, but still ok (complicated?)

Today wasn't horrible. It was busy, but not bad. By the time 2:00 rolled around, I was seriously clock-watching cause I was so ready to go home. 3:00 hit, and I ran out the door. Went & picked Monkey from school and had to take her home to change her shirt because she managed to get green frosting all over it (they made "Christmas trees" out of waffle cones, green frosting, and M&Ms). I decided to take her to the nail salon so that we could get our nails done.

I love taking her to get her nails painted, she's so adorable when she's picking out the color and trying to be patient about how long it's taking for them to dry. Normally, I take her Leapster and she sits there fairly quietly playing while I get my nails redone. Today, she played her Leapster for about 10 seconds and proceeded to spin the chair around, kick the chair away from the table, mess with everything on the table (especially the fan and the lamp)... basically anything she could do to get in trouble.

I don't know what's going on with her lately, but she refuses to listen to me. She looks right at me with that little glint in her eyes and does exactly what I tell her not to. Then she laughs at me when I get mad at her for doing it! What the hell??? Is it an age thing? Is it a phase? Is it her way of saying "Pay more attention to me and stop being such a shitty mom?" I don't know what the hell to do! Spanking and time out isn't working. Talking to her like an adult isn't working. Talking to her like a child isn't working.

I'm at that point where I'm overwhelmed from everything and I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of having a panic attack. I need a fucking break. Not just from Monkey (my mom's planning on taking her for a weekend sometime soon), but from everything. Work, school, PK... LIFE.

I feel like I'm being all whiny and irritating because everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and needs a break, but FUCK! How am I supposed to center my fucking chi and calm the hell down if I can't even take a shower without someone (namely Monkey) crawling up my ass & asking me 10,000 questions?!

0021. Flaunting my intelligence... or something.

I love school. I make no secret of that. While I'm not a huge fan of my government class, I am huge fan of learning... especially history. OMG, I'm suuuuuch a history dork. So much so that I've been actively wondering why I'm not pursuing a history degree instead of a nursing degree (money - plain & simple).

Today, I had to take an online test for my Texas History class because the prof had been absent one day and he needed the extra time for lecture before the final. I'm actually really happy for that because it gave me a little more time to really read the book instead of just skimming over the book for the answers to the questions on the review. As dorky as it makes me, I really enjoyed the outside reading we did this semester. The book is called Galveston: A History by David G McComb.

It's not nearly as dry as I thought the history of a city would be, and I ended up going online to see what other cities or states he's done biographies of. He's written about Colorado, the state of Texas, a modern history of Texas, and HOUSTON! Of course, I ordered the Houston book and can't wait to read it (I'll have to, since I'm so horrendously behind on my reviews, but as soon as I get caught up, I'm diving right in!)

So yeah, the test... We usually have 40 multiple choice questions and one (short) essay question. This time, we had 20 multiple questions, which took me around 15 minutes to complete, and I took the remaining 45 minutes on the timer to write the longest test essay response I've ever written in my life.

I wrote 1248 words on 2 pages in 11 point Calibri font. Normally, I have to fight myself to come up with something to write on tests. But in this class I have never lacked for the words, just the time and the page space (we've got 4 short pages on our scantrons and with how large my handwriting is.... it tends to fill up quickly). Today, I let myself go crazy. And I'm so happy with the results that I can't help but share it. If you're really that interested in reading my genius work, click the "READ MORE!" link below.

0020. on the outside looking in

I don't want to sound like a child, stomping my foot on the ground and crying because I feel left out or ignored... but that's how I've been feeling lately. Maybe I try too hard to fit in, in IRL situations, because I'm constantly trying to talk to someone, find something in common with someone, and/or connect with someone. And I don't feel like I'm doing that. I have friends, but I don't have many people that I'm close to.

Ever since I joined the Navy and moved away, my relationship with Gigi has suffered. We're not nearly as close as we used to be. Lolo and I joined the Navy together, but she got out way before I did, got married, and moved to the other side of the city. I'm happy that she's married, has a beautiful baby girl, and is happy, but I miss my friend. And Nerf, my BFF from the Navy, moved to California to be with her husband. I can't be mad about that because I'd do the exact same thing, but I miss my best friend. I miss them all so much.

I feel like I"m being really needy and whiny right now, but I miss nights when I'd go over to Nerf's (or she'd come to my place), and we'd bake cookies from scratch, watch chick flicks, and stay up all night talking. I miss walking in the door and her immediately reaching for whatever it is I needed at that moment (because she somehow always knew) and sitting down with me on the couch and cuddling with me. It's hard to have that kind of strictly platonic friendship when you can cuddle up with someone and they don't think you're trying to get in their pants.

As for online... Most of my friendships are blog-related. And while I know that I could call any one of these women and they'd drop whatever it is they're doing to talk to me, I still feel as though I'm on the outside looking in. I don't blog as much as I should, I'm not on Twitter as much anymore, and I'm scared that I'll fade away. And because I don't blog as much as I should & I'm not on Twitter as much anymore, I feel like I'm missing out on a lot and people who I was close to in the past are forgetting about me.

I also feel like I'm not nearly smart enough to be blogging with some of the people I blog with. I look at their posts and I'm blown away by the amount of information they came away with after reading a book. I don't see symbolism. I don't see themes. I don't notice the subtleties that make a book. Well, I do when I'm actively looking for it, but if I'm not reading a book for a class, I don't see things like that. I read to get lost in the story and to lose myself for a few hours.

I know I'm being paranoid & ridiculous, but it's how I feel right now. And since this is my personal blog and I'm supposed to be totally honest in it... well, there you go.

0019. it seems all I do these days is rant...

I have a test tomorrow over the History of Galveston. I've made it clear since the moment I walked into the door at work that I have to study today. And yet Lazy decided that he should be allowed to leave early to study for his test... which isn't til next week.

It's bad enough that he gets "overwhelmed" or "swamped" when there's more than one student waiting or when he's asked to do something like filing (which is his main fucking job!), but to leave me hanging again? That's fucking BULLSHIT. He sits up front the entire time he's here on Facebook playing war games or wannabe-Sims (thereby taking up the computer and making it impossible for any of the other workstudies to do homework during the -ha!- slow times), he doesn't take the time to learn the system, he whines when he's given a task... Why the fuck is he working here? And was he seriously a Marine? He's giving the USMC a bad fucking name.

Our part-time workstudy came in shortly after Lazy left, and I got all excited that I'd actually have some help with the students and maybe have some time to study. But from the minute she walked in, she's been on her cell phone or talking to her brother. I know that she's got financial & medical issues going on that need to be taken care of, but she's supposed to be working. She's collecting a check right now and not doing her job. From everything that I've been taught throughout the 16 years I've been working (yes, I've been working since I was 11), that's equivalent to THEFT. Get off the fucking phone and do something.

My boss takes 2+ hour lunches to go pick up her kids. I get that she needs to pick up her kids, but a 2+ hour lunch? That's ridiculous! And the fact that I don't have the power to lift holds and I don't know all the answers and she's not here... more ridiuclous.

I'm frustrated and ready to quit. The measly $725 a month isn't fucking worth it. I'd rather go wait tables at this point. The only reason I'm not quitting is because any other job I'd get would require me to work weekends, and I'm not gonna do that while I'm in school. I don't get to spend enough time with my family as it is.

0018. Venting

I like helping people if I'm able to. I have no problem loaning a little bit of money, babysitting, or helping with homework. But I don't like being taken advantage of and I don't like being treated like it's my duty to serve people. It's not. It's my duty to make sure that my daughter grows up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted (because let's face it, she needs to be well-adjusted with a crazy ass mom like me). It's not my duty to pick up after people, make sure that their lives are in order, or wait for HOURS while they wake up, do other homework, and get their shit together.

In other news, my house is spotless and dinner was fabulous. My stress relief for today was cleaning the house top to bottom and making dinner. I cleaned the living room, the kitchen, both bedrooms, and the bathroom. I have 2 small loads of laundry left to do, and then it will be done. Completely. Even the sheets, towels, and blankets (which I always leave for last). And even though it went slightly against my diet, I made baked tilapia with lemon juice (not against the diet), olive oil, sea salt, and parsley (against the diet). I also made asparagus (not against the diet) and crescent rolls (against the diet, and I only had 1).

I've been really good about this diet for the past 2 weeks. And I'm starving. MIL made me realize that what I'm doing is basically an amped up version of the Atkins diet, which I've been preaching against for quite a while. So, I'm still doing the protein shakes and the fat burning pills (I ran out of the cleanse stuff), I'm also allowing myself slightly more food, while still eating healthily.