0064. 5 good things day 2

5 good things that happened today:

1. I woke up to kisses from my little girl.
2. I got to have a conversation with one of my favorite authors (fangirl giddiness ensued)
3. I had a decent day in class, despite not wanting to be there.
4. My laundry is almost done! 2 more loads...
5. Dinner came out tasty... totally had my doubts. :) 

0063. 5 things: Day 1

I've been horribly down lately, and I emailed my friend Tibby, who I love and adore. She suggested that I start a "five things" journal. Since I haven't used this in a while, I figure that posting my Five Things would be a good move. Five Things is where I psot 5 good things about my day, every day. This is day 1.

1. I managed to get my house picked up.
2. I spent time with Monkey.
3. I made delicious hamburgers that were just a tad on the spicy side. PK loved them.
4. PK came home early and wants to spend time together.
5. I didn't have to go to clinicals today.

0062. universal healthcare

I don't talk politics or religion. These are the two most polarizing subjects on the planet, and we all know that I don't like confrontation. But PK made me watch the debate tonight, and I happened to be on twitter during that time, so I got to see everyone's responses. Sometimes it pissed me off because people are so clearly biased for one candidate or the other (which is expected - some people are hardline Dems and some are hardline Pubs, and it's hard to change someone's mind with regard to their political affiliation). Some of the things my friends were saying were so rude and against what I believe in, in my political affiliation.... which is funny because I've always sort of identified with both parties, but I digress.

A very large part of tonight's debate had to do with Obamacare (and apparently Obama has grown fond of the term). I've never really been fond of the idea of Obamacare. Granted, when it was first proposed, I was excited about the prospect of getting real healthare at hospitals other than the VA since my current health status prohibits me from getting covered under any private insurance policy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize what a BAD IDEA Obamacare really is.

Before you jump down my throat, let me explain.

Obamacare is universal healthcare. You can go to any doctor, any hospital, whatever, and get care because all insurance companies will be forced to cover EVERYONE. I'm not saying insurance companies covering everyone is a bad thing. Believe me, as someone who's been unable to be covered for the last 10 years by a private company, I think the concept is a good one. BUT I've also had to deal with the kind of care that we'll end up with under Obamacare for the last 10 years.

If you know nothing else about the military, you know that military medical is kind of a big fucking joke. I say this with my Twin being part of the military medical system. But it's true. You go to the doctor, and you get Ibuprofen for everything. Have a headache? 800mg Ibuprofen. Stomach pains? 800mg Ibuprofen. Cut off your arm? 800mg Ibuprofen.

We call it "Vitamin M" in the military. After my car accident last month, the doctor gave me 600mg Ibuprofen and I laughed in his face. Sorry dude, but this won't do shit for me. Not with how much Motrin I've taken over the past 10 years. But I don't want to look like I'm a drug seeker (which is possible these days, since the DEA is looking over everyone's shoulders so much that they won't even give my mom -who NEEDS pain medication to battle her chronic pancreatitis pain and the after effects of TWO botched surgeries..... that's an even longer story and will only serve to piss me off more if I get into it now) so rather than ask for something stronger than 600mg Ibuprofen, I just sit here and suffer through it.

Getting into the doctor either for the military or the VA has become such a process that most of us decide that we're just going to suffer through it. At Lackland, they had same day doctor appointments, but when the appointment line opened at 0800, the appointments for the day were usuallly all taken by 0803 since there were THAT MANY PEOPLE calling in. So the ER was always packed for stupid shit like a cold because they couldn't get in to see a doctor for antibiotics or Nasonex or whatever. At the VA, they don't do same day appointments by phone. You have to go to triage (which is in the ER) and wait for about 5-7 hours on average. Even when you DO have an appointment, you can pretty much guarantee that you're going to be at the VA all day because they're ALWAYS behind. Pack a lunch or make sure you've got money (the food there isn't awful, though I'd much rather have something I made myself at home) because going to the VA is a "process".

Do you honestly think that the American people are going to want to deal with this kind of system? Do you think they're going to want to be just another number? I know that not all civilian doctors are going to be as awesome as my daughter's pediatrician, who sits with us and talks with us about what's going on with her and genuinely cares about what happens to her. I know that they won't all be like my mom's AMAZING doctor, Mary, who kicks off her shoes in the office and talks to my mom for HOURS to make sure she understands her diagnosis, the side effects of whatever medication she's on, or generally just to see how my mom is doing. I'm not under the impression that either continuing or repealing Obamacare is going to make doctors into superstars of patient care. But I do think that it'll turn all healthcare into the bullshit I have to deal with at the VA, and I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy's DOG. Going to the VA induces a panic attack for me. I hate the drive up there (and I only live 30 miles away... there are times when I go there that I meet people from other states since the Houston regional office is apparently the closest VA hospital to them), I hate all the waiting (my appointments usually run 30 minutes to 2 hours late), and I hate the fact that my doctors talk to their computer screens more than they talk to me.

Is Obamacare a good idea? In theory. But I don't think it's going to work. Ou healthcare system is going to be flushed down the toilet and go swirling.

0061. it turns out I am my mother's daughter

My grandmother used to tell me a story about how my mom would call her sobbing because something happened to someone. My mom would be crying so hysterically that Grams was certain something had happened to my dad (this was before they got divorced, obviously). When she finally got my mom to calm down enough so that she could understand what Mom was saying, she asked "Who the hell are you talking about?" to which my mom would tearfully shout at Grams "Pay attention! It's Luke and Laura from General Hospital!" (or something to that effect) Of course, my Grams would get frustrated and hang up the phone with a growl. Grams didn't watch soaps. Well, daytime soaps, anyway.

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT LAST SEASON'S GREY'S ANATOMY SEASON FINALE AND THIS SEASON'S PREMIERE. IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED YET, GO HERE AND WATCH NOW.

I've always been a pretty emotional person. I told someone the other day on Twitter... or Facebook... I can't really remember which social platform it was. I'm on so many. *G* Anyway, I said that the first 5 seasons of Grey's Anatomy were so depressing that I actually wanted to jump off a cliff when I was watching. Especially when Meredith drowned. Jimminy Christmas, that was depressing. But now that Meredith and Derek are all happily married and stuff, the show's gotten better.

Sort of.

Lexie died in last season's finale. And of course, I cried. But when I finally managed to watch this week's season premiere, I found myself hysterically sobbing. If my Grams had been alive, I probably would have called her just so she could grunt and hang up on me too. For old times' sake, ya know? Watching them pull the plug on Mark Sloan just about killed me. Yes, he gets to be with Lexie, but he died. And that fucking sucks.

I know that he's not real, but I have to let it out so bear with me.

I have a lot going on in my life. School, family, etc. So, I watch these shows (and read these books) to let myself forget about everything that's going on. It's like stress relief, despite the fact that I get overly attached to the characters. I get to be involved in someone else's drama for a while, and I'm happier for it. That's pretty much how I feel about books too. And one of the reasons that I love trilogies and series so much. Because I get invested in characters and I get to see what happens "after the sunset", as it were.

So, after I finished sobbing my eyes out, I decided I'd go ahead and watch the last two episodes of Saving Hope online, since NBC was retarded and pulled the plug on a fantastic show. I figured it'd be good, since I knew that Charlie was going to wake up. How much could do wrong?

You know when that sentence is said, it only spells doom for the person saying it, right?

So here I am, crying again over a fictional character. I'd say that I need help, but this is my own form of therapy. I don't cry much in my real life. I don't like showing any kind of weakness. I've always had to be the "strong" one. And I hate being the "strong" one. I'm not strong. But since I stepped into that role without realizing it at three years old, I'm pretty much stuck in that role. Crying over these pretend people is cathartic to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the seasons premiere of Once Upon A Time is tonight and I need to stock up on Kleenex.

0060. Is it August 2013 yet?

So. I'm watching/reading some college commencement speeches after seeing a tweet saying something like "Sorry kids, you're not special." (I tend to look at the more controversial tweets for some reason. Call me crazy?)

There were links to other commencement speeches given by other people. One of them was one by Steve Jobs at Stanford in 2005. Here's part of it:

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to Heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition ... Stay hungry, Stay foolish."

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick," said Jobs. "Don't lose faith."

Why am I looking through commencement speeches when I don't graduate until August of 2013? Mostly because I wanted to know what the guy who was telling the kids they weren't special was saying (and I agree with him... to a point... for his full speech, check out the YouTube video below) but I also am fairly desperate to see my own commencement speech. I've been in school since summer of 2009. I still haven't received my Associate's degree, not for lack of trying, that's for sure. No, I have enough credits to have my AA in General Studies. But I refuse to apply for an AA in General Studies when I'm going for my degree in Medical Imaging. And even though I still have a year left and I'm so burned out that I dread going to school every day, I AM DETERMINED TO FINISH.

It's getting late, and for once I don't have to stay up all night studying or doing laundry for tomorrow. I'm going to lay down and hope that I fall asleep quickly. Insomnia has set in lately and I'm not a fan of being exhausted during the day.

0059. marriage

"I had my 17th wedding anniversary this year... I feel very lucky, and I love being married... But, I felt married to him before we got married. I mean, the commitment that I made to him was a commitment we made two people in a room alone. It was great to kind of consecrate it with other people there and celebrate it. But the commitment was made between him and me and I feel like there are people who get married for the party, there are people who get married for the tradition. Marriage is not the party, marriage is not the dress. Marriage is every day waking up with this person, not choking them to death in their sleep... people always say 'how did you guys make it this long?' and I'm like look it's not rocket science. Just be kind. People are nice to everybody in the street and they're the worst to the people they have to lie down with every night. Save your best behavior for your husband and your wife. You know, be nice to the people who can poison your food, that's what I'm saying." (Aisha Tyler - The Talk)

0058. I'm tired and irritated.

I've had so much going on in the past few weeks that I haven't had time to do much else besides... well, everything that I've had to do. School has been keeping me so busy that I want to cry. Literally. I have 4 exams when I get back from Spring Break next week. I had 1 exam the week before. I have exams at clinicals any time a good patient walks through the door and my fellow classmates don't snatch up the paperwork first. And it's ALWAYS LIKE THIS. It seems like the minute we're done with a round of exams, we're starting on another. I'm stressing so bad over school that my hair is starting to fall out (more of it is coming out while I'm in the shower than what I'm used to and it's kind of freaking me out, if I'm honest). I had my first fever blister in well over a year, which I only get when I'm stressed and/or not sleeping, so that should give you some idea of how things are going on the stress level.

And speaking of stress. I know PK doesn't like me talking about him online, but this is my personal journal, and this is where I go to vent. Surprisingly, this time I'm not actually venting about him, so much as because of him (if that makes sense?) He's been working his ass off. He goes in early and doesn't get home until after 8:00 most nights. There have been several nights that he's gotten home well after Monkey has gone to bed (at 8:30) and he usually goes immediately to bed himself because he's so exhausted. He's been working himself into the freaking ground, and I've slowly been getting more and more worried about him because on the rare occasion that he is home, all he ever wants to do is sleep. Which, don't get me wrong, I totally understand why. He's working hard. He's stressed because of everything he has to do at work (which I won't discuss here, because that's his business and not mine). I've been trying to get him to relax a little more, eat healthier, maybe even try to get up and walk (if not exercise outright), because he has a pre-existing heart condition. Even with that, it still didn't cross my mind that he'd call me while I was in class 2 weeks ago to tell me he that he thought he was having a heart attack and to come get him so that I could take him to the ER. I was all for calling an ambulance, but Mr Stubborn Ass decided he'd work for another hour or so and then drive his stupid ass home so that we could leave his car at the house. For that alone, I might have to beat him senseless. I finally managed to get him to the ER, and he ended up spending the entire weekend in the hospital. I somehow managed to not be in the room every time the doctor came in (usually getting Monkey from my mom's house so she could visit with her dad - the doctor kept really strange hours), so I never really got the straight facts on what was going on. PK has a way of hiding things from me so that I don't completely freak out. He won't outright admit it to me, but it was a minor heart attack. He's now taking steps to reduce stress (he's been coming home at 6:00 and we've actually been getting along better than ever), he's playing with Monkey outside, he's helping me fix up the house... But he's still got all this other stuff stressing him out and I don't know how to help him. I want to take all the outside stress in his life and just make it go away. If I have to see my husband in the hospital again because his stress level went through the roof and his heart couldn't handle it... well, I might end up going postal, because my stress level can't handle it. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. We're talking about the possibility of having a baby once I'm done with school. I'd like the chance for a few more anniversaries and maybe a babyKitty of our own.

And now that I've completely depressed myself. Let me rile myself back up for a minute before I run off to make dinner.

I've been busting my ass for the past three days to clean my house top to bottom, organizing every room in the house (including the rooms we haven't unpacked yet because PK has to build bookshelves for my library and office, as well as get a new desk since the one we currently have it TINY, and bring the bed over from the old condo/storage unit so that we can properly set up the guest bedroom, and put up shelves in Monkey's room and hang her TV on the wall so that she has more room to play), doing all the laundry, scrubbing bathrooms and the kitchen and whatever else I could find to scrub with BLEACH (it smells clean and fresh and all that) because it's Spring Break and my mom and 3 of my aunts were coming over either tomorrow or Friday for lunch. I finally got in touch with the aunt we all consider the "matriarch" of the family, and she tells me "Stop cleaning!" (I'd texted her to tell her I was cleaning up the house and I was going to head to the store later) Then she tells me that another one of my aunts doesn't want to come this week because her grandkids (who live with her) are on Spring Break, and she wants to wait to have lunch until they're back in school.... Except the only reason I'm able to have lunch with them in the first place is because I'm on Spring Break! Apparently they've all forgotten that I'm a full time student and in school ALL THE FREAKING TIME. And when I'm not in school, I'm at study group or at clinicals. And hello? Since when do I not have a kid with a room full of toys and a TV and a backyard and a front yard with other kids their age? I mean seriously! My mom knew I was cleaning the shit out of my house. My uncle knew I was cleaning the shit out of my house. My aunt surely knew, because I go insane every time she comes over (remember the part where she's the matriarch of our family?) but I haven't been able to talk to her because every time I call her she's unavailable and she never freaking calls me back!!! I'm irritated, and to be quite honest, I'm a little bit hurt.

I have to go make dinner for the Monkey now. She's bitching at me that she's starving, despite the fact that she's eaten almost everything I have in the pantry today. She must be hitting another growth spurt.