My chest is on fire and I feel like I can't breathe because it feels like someone is standing on it. I've felt this way for the past few days. It gets worse when I leave the house. Especially when I go somewhere in public, like the grocery store and it's 10x worse if Monkey is acting up, something's going wrong, PK's pissed at me for something (which is easy to do these days because his job is so fucking hard these days that he's drowning in his own depression and anger)... I'm drowning in stress right now, and my semester hasn't even started yet. And now I'm struggling to keep it together and not to show my husband, my daughter, my brothers, my mother... anyone, just how close I am to the edge.
I have a psychiatrist appointment in 5 days.
I hope I make it.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
0050. I'm confused.
I'm putting this on my personal blog, because I know not many people actually read it and I know this would cause an uproar if anyone actually did read it.
There was a boy named Ben Breedlove who recently passed away due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I'm very saddened to hear of his passing - especially on Christmas day. I send my condolences to his family. It's never easy losing a family member, especially when he had come so close to dying so many times before. Believe me, I know. My own mom has been battling her own illness for so many years now, I live in fear that I'm going to get the call one day that she's suddenly no longer with us, and the fear is crippling.
But everyone is talking about the two YouTube videos - parts one and two of his story in which he talks about the three times he cheated death and during the last time, he was unconscious, the EMTs were working on him and he was having a dream or a vision where he was in a white room and he saw Kid Cudi (his favorite rapper who I also love). I was touched by it all until it just ended after he said he didn't want to wake up from the dream/vision, he asked if people believed in God/Angels, said that he did, and that was it.
He basically said that he wanted to die. At least, that's how I interpreted it. I mean, how else can you interpret someone saying that they didn't want to wake up from a dream/vision (while they're essentially dead, because all of his bodily functions weren't working at that point. His heart had stopped, he wasn't breathing, and the EMTs were working desperately to bring him back to life. He says it right there in the video that when you die, your brain still works for a short time. But he was, for all intents and purposes, dead for the 3 minutes that the EMTs were working on him and he was having the vision. And he didn't want to come back from that.
I really do understand wanting that sense of peace. I understand being tired of fighting to stay alive. I've seen my mom fight through her illness for the past 12 years. It's not easy. It's not fun. It's a constant struggle for her just to stand up straight or to breathe most days. But she does it.
I'm very sorry that he passed away. I really am. I don't wish ill on anyone, ever. It's very sad when someone dies. It's even more sad when that person is young and has unfulfilled potential the way that Ben obviously did. I'm just puzzled at certain things about the video. Am I missing a 3rd part of his story? Or did he not get to film the 3rd part because he passed away before he could?
There was a boy named Ben Breedlove who recently passed away due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I'm very saddened to hear of his passing - especially on Christmas day. I send my condolences to his family. It's never easy losing a family member, especially when he had come so close to dying so many times before. Believe me, I know. My own mom has been battling her own illness for so many years now, I live in fear that I'm going to get the call one day that she's suddenly no longer with us, and the fear is crippling.
But everyone is talking about the two YouTube videos - parts one and two of his story in which he talks about the three times he cheated death and during the last time, he was unconscious, the EMTs were working on him and he was having a dream or a vision where he was in a white room and he saw Kid Cudi (his favorite rapper who I also love). I was touched by it all until it just ended after he said he didn't want to wake up from the dream/vision, he asked if people believed in God/Angels, said that he did, and that was it.
He basically said that he wanted to die. At least, that's how I interpreted it. I mean, how else can you interpret someone saying that they didn't want to wake up from a dream/vision (while they're essentially dead, because all of his bodily functions weren't working at that point. His heart had stopped, he wasn't breathing, and the EMTs were working desperately to bring him back to life. He says it right there in the video that when you die, your brain still works for a short time. But he was, for all intents and purposes, dead for the 3 minutes that the EMTs were working on him and he was having the vision. And he didn't want to come back from that.
I really do understand wanting that sense of peace. I understand being tired of fighting to stay alive. I've seen my mom fight through her illness for the past 12 years. It's not easy. It's not fun. It's a constant struggle for her just to stand up straight or to breathe most days. But she does it.
I'm very sorry that he passed away. I really am. I don't wish ill on anyone, ever. It's very sad when someone dies. It's even more sad when that person is young and has unfulfilled potential the way that Ben obviously did. I'm just puzzled at certain things about the video. Am I missing a 3rd part of his story? Or did he not get to film the 3rd part because he passed away before he could?
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
0048.
I know I sound like I'm whining when I say this, but it hurts my feelings when my study group leaves me out of the loop. Maybe I leave myself out because I don't drink and they tend to go out all the time but I can still go out with them and have a good time without drinking. In fact, I have MORE fun because I don't drink because I don't fall down and hurt myself AND I get to remember everything that happened! But because I don't drink or act like a 19 year old (despite being a 31 year old mother of 2), I'm blatantly left out of everything. I shouldn't let it bother me. Most of the time it annoys M's when they're a ting like children, but they are still fun to be around... I know, I
Whining and contradicting myself. I hate it when people don't like me. I'm not a horrible, evil person. I might come across as abrasi e sometimes, but I'm really not. I'm what people call "short" with people because I don't have time to deal with things like stupidity and childishness (to name a few things). Even though I'm a Southerner, I've been told I have a Yankee mentality and that turns people off. Funny thing is, when you're my friend, I'll love you forever, have a ton of patience (within limits), and bend myself in a pretzel to help you out. Earn my trust, love, and loyalty, and you're set for life.
I was really hoping I would bond with the people in my class and form these amazing friendships for life sort of like I have with MamaChelle and Nerf... But I guess nothing will ever compare to them because any friendship I've formed since them has paled in comparison. PALED. And these girls.... Sigh.... It's like I'm hanging out with the girls from high school all over again. We just happen to be chronologically older and have children.
Whining and contradicting myself. I hate it when people don't like me. I'm not a horrible, evil person. I might come across as abrasi e sometimes, but I'm really not. I'm what people call "short" with people because I don't have time to deal with things like stupidity and childishness (to name a few things). Even though I'm a Southerner, I've been told I have a Yankee mentality and that turns people off. Funny thing is, when you're my friend, I'll love you forever, have a ton of patience (within limits), and bend myself in a pretzel to help you out. Earn my trust, love, and loyalty, and you're set for life.
I was really hoping I would bond with the people in my class and form these amazing friendships for life sort of like I have with MamaChelle and Nerf... But I guess nothing will ever compare to them because any friendship I've formed since them has paled in comparison. PALED. And these girls.... Sigh.... It's like I'm hanging out with the girls from high school all over again. We just happen to be chronologically older and have children.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
0047. Really? Again?
I was in lab today, positioning a "patient" for an xray and I was slightly off. I was only off by a few degrees on the angle, and the instructor was really heavy with her praise, but I took it hard anyway. In fact, I burst into tears.
It's stupid, I know. I had no reason to cry. I'm not doing horribly in positioning class. I'm too hard on myself and I'm stressing out so bad over all of this (school, money, the house, Tessa, Monkey's behavior problems, my sleep problems...) that it really was only a matter of time before I cracked. I tend to bottle things up for so long that I end up exploding after a while. Today just happened to be that day.
Monkey got in trouble again today. And yesterday. Yesterday, she "pushed a friend/name calling" and "poked a student with a sharp pencil". Today, she was "playing on the mat during math time". I'm not sure what to do anymore. She hasn't gotten in trouble for pushing, name calling, or poking with sharp pencils before, but she's gotten in trouble for playing during learning time more than once. She's been grounded, had her dress-up clothes taken away, had her butt popped... What else do I do to make her listen? I can't have her being bad every day.
I pulled out the same speech my mom gave me. "You're not there to make friends. You'll use what you learn in school every day of your life. You have to pay attention in school. You don't play during school except during recess." (I of course immediately called my mom after this and apologized for rolling my eyes at her all through school when she said this to me) Monkey told me she understood, but she always says she understands, then goes right back to school and gets in trouble.
Thing is... She was on "green" today. They're on a stop light system: red light-office, yellow light-warning, green light-good. But she had a substitute teacher today, and she said the teacher just forgot to change her color clip. M actually ratted herself out by telling me that. When I picked her up from daycare, she told me she was on green, I wasn't going to check her binder. I rarely do when she's on "green" since there's usually nothing in there for me to check. But then she went on to tell me that the teacher forgot to change her clip. Oops. Now she's cooped up in her room, not allowed to watch TV (from yesterday), not allowed to play with her Barbies (from today), and waiting for her spanking.
I can't wait for the 27th. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm thinking that I need to up my dosage again, because this shit ain't fucking working.
It's stupid, I know. I had no reason to cry. I'm not doing horribly in positioning class. I'm too hard on myself and I'm stressing out so bad over all of this (school, money, the house, Tessa, Monkey's behavior problems, my sleep problems...) that it really was only a matter of time before I cracked. I tend to bottle things up for so long that I end up exploding after a while. Today just happened to be that day.
Monkey got in trouble again today. And yesterday. Yesterday, she "pushed a friend/name calling" and "poked a student with a sharp pencil". Today, she was "playing on the mat during math time". I'm not sure what to do anymore. She hasn't gotten in trouble for pushing, name calling, or poking with sharp pencils before, but she's gotten in trouble for playing during learning time more than once. She's been grounded, had her dress-up clothes taken away, had her butt popped... What else do I do to make her listen? I can't have her being bad every day.
I pulled out the same speech my mom gave me. "You're not there to make friends. You'll use what you learn in school every day of your life. You have to pay attention in school. You don't play during school except during recess." (I of course immediately called my mom after this and apologized for rolling my eyes at her all through school when she said this to me) Monkey told me she understood, but she always says she understands, then goes right back to school and gets in trouble.
Thing is... She was on "green" today. They're on a stop light system: red light-office, yellow light-warning, green light-good. But she had a substitute teacher today, and she said the teacher just forgot to change her color clip. M actually ratted herself out by telling me that. When I picked her up from daycare, she told me she was on green, I wasn't going to check her binder. I rarely do when she's on "green" since there's usually nothing in there for me to check. But then she went on to tell me that the teacher forgot to change her clip. Oops. Now she's cooped up in her room, not allowed to watch TV (from yesterday), not allowed to play with her Barbies (from today), and waiting for her spanking.
I can't wait for the 27th. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm thinking that I need to up my dosage again, because this shit ain't fucking working.
Monday, September 19, 2011
0046. It's just one of them days (don't take it personal)
It's just one of them days when I wanna be alone. It's just one of them days when I gotta be all alone. (Don't take it personal)
Today sucked. Last week sucked. The week before sucked. The week before that sucked. It seems like it's been one long month of nothing but suck lately and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. it's not that I have a defeatist attitude. Things have just been beyond my control lately to the point that I feel like I'm drowning in shit right now. I'm tired and I feel so run down that I don't know if I can pull myself out of this hole...
And this isn't a good thing, considering how I'm only 3 weeks into my semester and it's only going to get worse - not to mention the fact that my other jobs (mommy/wife/and everything that comes along with those positions) never end. Ever. And what a massive amount of stress that adds!
There wasn't any one thing that was so awful that made me want to tear my hair out today, but I guess it was just everything accumulating over time and people being shitty to me (in subtle ways) and my being overly sensitive because I'm both Bipolar and a stupid Girl that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. A lot. But that would give me a headache and then I'd get pissed off because of the headache, which would make me cry more... It's a cycle and it sucks.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
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