0004. it ended just like a movie scene & i had to play a part

iTunes: Josh Gracin - Telluride
Mood: irritated

I served in the United States Navy for 6 years. In that time, I hurt both my ankles, both my knees, my back, my rotator cuff on my right shoulder, my neck, lost hearing in both ears, have a high-pitched ringing in both ears that will not ever go away, developed severe migraines, and battled severe depression (which was later diagnosed as mild bipolar disorder). I am 70% disabled, but still able to work. Even if I were 100% disabled (through the military), I'd probably still have to work.

What you don't know is that even on 100% disability, it is not enough to survive. At 70% disability with a dependent, I get $1398 a month. I have a house, a car, electricity, cable/internet, daycare, food, gas, car insurance, etc... Now, I can cut off the cable/internet and just read, but that is literally my only source of entertainment these days. We don't go to the movies, we don't go out of town, we very rarely go out to dinner, etc.

I go to school full time on the GI Bill. I opted for the Post 9/11 version because it gives me housing allowance - which allows me to go to school full time (when combined with my disability) and not have to work while I go to school. This won't last forever. In fact, I only have 24 months left on my GI Bill. There are 24 months in the nursing program, but I won't get to apply for it until September. I'm going to school this Fall. That means my GI Bill will run out 6 months before I finish the nursing program -- if I get accepted the first time around and if I pass all my classes.

I've had a few people tell me they think it's "bullshit" that I get free money for the rest of my life because I got "a little hurt" in the military - because obviously if I'm still able to work, it must "not be that bad". I've had a few people tell me that it's "bullshit" that I get to go to school and not have to work because I get a housing allowance.

Allow me to tell those people to FUCK THE ENTIRE HELL OFF.

I paid for my disability check with my body. I ache every. single. day. I have a handicapped parking placard because it physically hurts me to walk some days. When I'm having a good day, I park in the back and walk. Why? Because I can. On the days when my knees aren't killing me, I enjoy the ability to walk through a parking lot. The fact that I'm still able to work (even up to 100% disability - through the VA) is a good thing. Why? Because they don't fucking pay me enough to make a living.

I paid for my GI Bill out of my own pocket. In order to receive it, you have to pay a certain amount each month while you're in the military. The rest is from taxes. Taxes I still had to pay while enlisted and I still have to pay today.

The idea that any of this is "free money" is fucking bullshit.

I paid for it with my body, my soul, and my freedom. I gave 6 years of my life to the military. I gave up time with my daughter. I gave up time with my sick mother. I gave up living in my hometown to go to a place I fucking hated.

I won't be getting the GI Bill check forever. I might not even get disability forever (if my conditions get better). I will, however, have pain in my knees for the rest of my life. I will have migraines. I will have issues with my shoulder (which will likely have to be rebuilt at some point in the future). So, no. It isn't "free money".