No really. As much as I love Nerf, Gigi, & MamaChelle, my mommy is my best friend. Maybe that's why I've never really acted out against her. I've never told her I hated her. Don't even remember ever telling her I didn't like her. Even when I've been pissed off at her and thinking that she was "out to get me" (don't all 16 year olds think that at some point when they don't get their way?) she was always my best friend.
My mom has been sick for over a decade now. It started out with a cyst growing on her pancreas. It developed into chronic pancreatitis, which brought with it chronic pain from the multiple surgeries she's had to have and the nerve damage that resulted from those surgeries. Now, she lives with chronic pain and full-blown Type I Diabetes because her pancreas finally gave up the ghost. She's always in pain.
She had her pain pump removed a little while ago, which sounds like a dumb move because of the pain that she's always in, but she had bad reactions to the medications they filled the pump with as well as the pump itself and it was so bad that she couldn't continue living with the pump. Now, she's managing her pain with medication her doctor prescribes, but it's a controlled substance, and the doctor is only legally allowed to prescribe a certain amount per month. She's getting ready to run out, and her appointment isn't until the 15th. She's had several rough days this month, and it seems to only be getting rougher. Normally, she'd just say "Whatever" and deal with it, but she can't now. She can't take the normal amount that she needs because she'll run out faster. She can't stretch it out too much because it might start the process of withdrawal... which would kill her.
My mom is not strong enough to go through that. And I'm not strong enough to go through losing my mom. I've cried myself to sleep countless times at the mere thought of losing my mother, and her talking like she talked to me today terrifies me. I literally walked into the office and collapsed on my friend.
If I can't even deal with the thought of losing my mom, how am I going to deal with actually losing her?
